Faith the Size of a Mustard Seed

I see miracles and miracles a thousand little miracles, 1234 I can't even count them all

God turn it around, God turn it around

These are the songs that I can't seem to get out of my head

This season has been the hardest for me by far and I've seen miracles happen for other

As I look around I can't seem to find my own

Oh to think about the disparate prayers I've prayed, the tears I've shed on my knees at the church

To think of the hard conversations I've had with God, the hands I raised to praise in the middle of the haze

I see miracles happening all around me and I'm truly happy for others

It gives me hope and reassurance that my time will come

I'm expectant, I look under every rock like "Is my miracle here?"

I make every turn like "I'll find my miracle here."

I wake up every morning like "Today is the day for my miracle"

After almost a year I'll tell you this - still no miracle

I still expect but now I'm asking God to speak to me and give me comfort 

Even then I think "I'm going to go to this service and hear God loud and clear"

or the classic "I'm going to open my bible and God will speak directly to my situation" 

At one point every conversation, build board, song, etc. I was thinking "I'll hear or see God here"

To be fair I hear God in the messages at service and see the proof of him everywhere but I haven't heard him say much about my situation

I'll be honest, after so many miracles that others have received, after so many times I have asked God to speak without hearing a word, I started to ask God "Where is my miracle"

I want to be patient and if I could I would but my back is on the furthest wall it can possibly be at so I NEED God to show up, I know he will - he always has and always will, I'm expectant.

It's getting tiring and disappointing though

Expecting to see a miracle and seeing nothing

Expecting to see or hear God and nothing 

How can the God of all gods be disappointing? He can't.

I keep telling myself that once I'm on the other side of this I will see God's footprints everywhere

I keep telling myself that once I'm on the other side of this I will see his favor

I even keep telling myself that once I'm on the other side of this, I will realize that this was the miracle I've been asking for

I tell myself I will eventually understand

As much as those things are nice and I cant wait to be on the other side, this is now and it still hurts

I'm in the most difficult season of my life, I've never experienced anything like this before and in everything I do I keep expecting God and keep leaving empty 

At one point I started to look at God and think if I said/did something or worship a song that somehow asked for this

As silly as it sounds I stopped singing some worship songs or I will change the lyrics

I refuse to ask God to test me in the fire, I refuse to sing songs (worship or not) that ask for things I do not desire

I believe God is close and the miracle I've so desperately wanted and needed is near but I'll be honest and admit that I also expect to be disappointed. Not in the miracle but in the lack of a miracle in the fact that I'm not certain that he will show up 

At some point, I asked if this was my season to be a blessing to others and I'm able to confidently say that if it weren't for my current hard season I wouldn't be able to do things for others in the way I have

I know I've shown up for others in ways they needed and was able to be there for them in their own hard season

The truth is I need my own blessing and as much as I love pouring into others, I have nothing left to give - literally nothing. As the days pass by I think to myself at what point will God show up? Will God tear me down and then show up? Is he waiting for a specific moment? Do I have to lose it all first? What does that even mean and what does it look like? How bad does it have to be? Will it have to affect others?

I've asked what is God trying to teach me? The cliche saying that ' the teacher is always quiet during a test', is God trying to test me? Is he testing my faith or is he teaching it to me? Is he trying to find out how far I'll go for him or how far my faith will take me? Is he trying to see how much I can endure? Spoiler alert, it's not much more. Are all these questions my way of trying to control what seems to be uncontrollable? Are all these questions, questioning God? 

I'll be fully honest and say I've also thought, will God even show up?

I had a conversation with a believer friend of mine, we were in a church group and we all had said our prayer requests I was talking to her and she made a passing comment that she knows that God will show up in other people's lives but it's hard for her to believe he'll show up in hers. She told me she prays over our prayer requests and prays for us daily by name every day. At the time I thought, thats silly God shows up for everyone.

Now I can't help but think maybe I'm in the same boat, perhaps I'm just one of those people God doesn't show up for, he's good regardless but where does that leave me?

Perhaps I'm not in the same boat and God chooses when he'll show up and when he won't

Throughout this season, I've trusted in God. Even in the darkest times, I've trusted God

Even in the waiting, I've trusted God

Even in the hurt, I've trusted God

Even in the confusion, I'm trusting God

Satisitcly God has shown up in every situation, so he will do it again 

This is the God of heaven and earth, the God of creation, the God that dragons bow to

This is the God that moves mountains, the God that heals the sick and redeems the sinner

That God is the God that goes before and after me 

He is the God of miracles 

So I will continue to look and expect, even as my faith is the size of a mustard seed