Self discovery path - it starts again...
I am almost 30, and I always found myself in the dilemma about religion - what am I? I was born and raised in a Roman Catholic family, however there were things that I never agreed since I was a kiddo. For example, the worship to Virgin Mary and the Saints. That means I was never meant to be a Catholic, I guess...
I used to be an atheist while I was a teenager. Rebel times, maybe, but I did believe in reincarnation and such, so I was suggested to try Jainism.
Years passed by, and I felt some sort of "connection" with what people call a "guardian angel", and for some reason I felt it related to Spiritism, understanding there is something greater than us, but its identity is unknown to us. I even had "signals" that this spiritual guide was named Emmanuel, through sudden thoughts, as if you suddenly remember where you left your car keys.
After a disappointment in my life and keeping this matter away from me, years passed. And I started dating a guy, who's Evangelical, and he is eager to have debates about religion from time to time. The mere presence of Jesus came back to me, understanding he is an important man, and of course, the extension of God. However, I don't want to get into the Protestant branch, I don't feel fully convinced, although his parents invited me several times to go to their church.
I don't want to go by invitation. Why? I know myself. I am autistic. I recognized I can be innocent and naive, easily manipulated. I take things too seriously, and I usually get anxious and utterly guilty if I don't follow rules properly. Imagine it with religion, then.
On the other hand, my critical thinking always strikes. It says "this is pointless, stop wasting time", or "remember that church is filled with evil people". My brain tells me this is all useless, that there is no such God or soul. But why? Why can't I let myself believe? Is it the fear of being judged?
You can tell my problem is: 1. unable to find myself since nothing convinces me - 2. critical thinking taking away my motivation - 3. the fear that this is all a delusion since I am autistic
One thing that's for sure - I believe in Jesus and I recognize his presence. Does that mean I gotta strictly search into the Abrahamic religions? I am also finding myself interested in the Old Testament.
I am quite lost, let me be honest...
@FutureTeacher301 I hear your dilemma - many people feel it is their mission in life to convert people to their religion. I think everyone can gravitate to what religion they feel suits their needs. I do not like to debate although if someone is open minded I am open to discussing as long as they are not trying to convince me that their religion is the "right one."
You said "I believe in Jesus and I recognize his presence. Does that mean I gotta strictly search into the Abrahamic religions? " Jesus's life was very inspirational and he seemed to advocate compassion. I think he set an example for how we can live our lives using some of the principals he advocated. I think there were many inspiring spiritually motivated people that can be good examples to inspire me to live an ethical life.
When I feel I am in confusion I seek out a quiet space and tune into my inner mind and see what wisdom I can find. I have studied many religions and they have helped me at various times of my life. I hope that you keep searching until you find what seems right for you.
@soulsings Of course, what's best for me at the moment is to sit down and read the sacred texts. I am somewhat addicted to screens and such, so I guess this will help me a lot to detox, while I try to understand myself. It's all a journey of self discovering, in the end...
@FutureTeacher301 your innate beliefs are very Muslim 🥺 you should read the Quran and see for yourself
@ItWi11GetBetter You think so? I confess I have watched some videos of Sheikh Assim Al-Hakeem lately, and I agreed with him in several points. But I must read the sacred texts, of course, I can't say bros I am a Muslim by watching a few reels haha
But thank you so much for the idea. I am going to check that YT Channel and get a Quran.
@FutureTeacher301 check (muslim lantern) on YT ... it can clear many of your questions
Hi,
You seem lost. The words of all the holy books in the world mean nothing if they can't assuage your pain. My advice is you need to start asking good questions. Be your own light, and be an impavid seeker. You want to understand existence. It's not gonna be easy. There would be nights you'd cry in pain. Times where your head will ache from critical thinking and paradoxes. But at the end it will be worth it.
