Fantasies of my Death
Not sure if this thread belongs here -- someone correct me if it doesn't, and I'll delete it.
Almost all of my life, I've had fantasies about my death. It doesn't matter my mood, location, or physical state. I think about getting stabbed, or shot, in the location or outfit I'm in. What would happen -- what people would say. Who would do it and why. It's more recently turned into me flat-out thinking of many different ways to end my life. The problem is that these thoughts often distract and frighten me, now. My mental state is better than ever, but almost every moment, I'm thinking about what my corpse would look like.
Is this a writer thing? A "someone with chronic pain" thing? Is it right to be concerned about this?
@ReniRay
I'm not sure I have the answers to your questions, but one thing does strike me. Death is often seen as a taboo, but it's one of those common links we all have. It will happen to us all, whether we think of it or not, speak of it or not, it's unavoidable.
So why not think of it or wonder about it? I guess before we experienced it ourselves we thought about falling in love, having sex, getting drunk, smoking, a million and one experiences. So if it's okay to think about them and to wonder what they're like, surely it's reasonable to think about death. And the thing with death of course, is it's not something we can do more than once. All those other things, fill your boots! But death, it's a one off and final event. Maybe that makes it more intriguing for some. Perhaps as you can't experience it numerous times, you fantasise about it instead.
I guess the trick is, not to spend so much time thinking about something that's hopefully way off in the future, to the extent that it gets in the way of the present. You say you're a writer? Perhaps writing these thoughts out may shift them from in your head, and allow room for a more mindful focus? What do you think?
@ReniRay I have no idea how to help, I just had to reply because I have suicidal fixation (that's what I call it, not sure if it's the same as what you're dealing with) and have never spoken out about it because I thought I would be judged and basically didn't know if there were people out there like me. I have had suicadal thoughts since I was a teenager and still fantasize about my death some 20 yrs later. I think that's always been there as it's own thing. I presently suffer from chronic pain, depression, and anxiety and have suicidal thoughts of ending my pain, but that death fixation has been there long before my physical pain that I so depserately want to end.
