Second Choice

Hi, I am very new to the group and trying this as a new method of coping and support.

I am a 38 year old mum to 3 amazing girls, separated for over a year and recently dating someone new. I have noticed that I am exhibiting some feelings I used to have many many years ago that I thought had disappeared; that being that I think I always get chosen second.

For a little background context this thought process started at about 19 years old when I had my first 'proper' boyfriend that I'll refer to as J. I found out after a few months that as we were starting our relationship he reached out to another woman whom he liked to see if anything could happen between them. J had known her from school and had been friends a long time. She said no and so he continued to pursue a relationship with me. We were together when I found this out and we continued dating for about 2 years.

After breaking up I went on a few dates with C. He seemed nice and we got on well but on our last date he started telling me about his ex girlfriend who he wanted to get back together with. We hadn't shared anything intimate and I was not offended by his openess but it did feed into my anxiety.

I then met L. He was everything I wanted and we hit it off fast. I went into this relationship knowing his friends teased him about someone he wanted to be with that he never had a chance with. He vehemently denied this but because we enjoyed each other's company I tried not to let it bother me. We got married and had 3 children together. We seperated due to drifting apart and trying and failing to reconcile.

During this separation I met E, we dated for a while until he told me "if my ex wanted me, Id be with her". I didnt want to be second choice again so I ended it before it got more serious.

I am now dating someone I have known for a few years, called T. When he told me how he felt about me, he was dating someone else called G. I told him I had the same feelings and we kissed. We met up a few days later where he told me that he wasnt going to break up with his girlfriend because he didnt know if me and him could be a couple and he didn't want to lose G of he couldnt have me. I left this alone and did not pursue anything with him. He then told me G had ended their relationship and he was happy and wanted to know if I would go on a date with him. I said yes because I do feel like we get on very well and we are clearly attracted to each other. We had a great date and we've been dating for about 2 months. 

I can however feel myself sinking into a hole of feeling like his second choice. I can recognise my behaviour from previous relationships. I have told him how I feel and he has been reassuring. However there has been a further incident of him going to the pub with her for a drink. I told him that while I did not mind him doing this, I did not want to hear about it or her and I found it disrespectful. He said he wouldn't block her from his life just to make me happy, this is something I never suggested. 

I felt like her feelings were more important than mine and he only cared about her and what removing her from his life would do to her. He never considered mine.

Am I just stupid? Do I need to shake myself and get on with it? I feel like everyone I have ever dated has had me as a back up but I dont know if this is normal? Does everyone like other people and settle for someone that isn't their first choice? Sometimes I think i just need to shut up and get on with life...other times I want to be chosen first too.