Abusive and toxic parents
Hi friends..I know in this forum many have had experiences in dealing with toxic families..im 53 and I have lived with my toxic parents half of my life..so now I'm married over 30 years and my parents have grown old..REcently my dad fell sick and I would like to share my experiences..Over the years my father was a very dominant personality.. he never encouraged us girls(me and my sis) he was always abusive and critical with all of us including with my mom..As a kid I tried everything to make my dad happy.but he was a super narcissistic and egoistic man..he never compromised to anyone in his life.He worked hard as a bankef and felt everyone should oblige to him..I had a difficult childhood because of my dad.I don't have any memories of my dad hugging us.I think he never did..so when I finally got married,I was relieved to leave the house but when I left I didn't realise that I took my scars as well.
Now m an adult and have developed so many anxieties with fears and phobias which m trying to overcome..my dad and mom never had a good marriage and his abuse affected my mom too..recently my dad fell sick and my sister came down to take care of him..He has become a puppet..while she was here taking care of him..she used to constantly tell me about dad's attitude.. He has never changed,he still abuses,he still criticses..he never appreciated what we did..but my sister had an ounce of mercy to take care of him in this old age..then when she left,it was my turn..my dad is always depressed.. he's not trying to connect with us despite his illness..he's still moody and critical and couple of times..hesstill abusing me even at this age..I always feel this is the time he should atleast bond with us because how can people keep so much anger even in this stage of life..He still does not want to bond with us but when we go for check ups he tells doctors that there no-one to take care of him despite all the efforts me and my sister are doing.
What would any of you do if u had a parent who will never change despite their illness. MY dad still is not bothered about our happiness..he's only worried about his health and nobody else..he also doesn't want to connect..Your suggestions would be valuable..Thank you
@tia2utoo
It sounds like your dad has had long-term mental health problems. It sounds like that part of his mind that is capable of appreciation or gratitude is missing. As far as any change in behavior, it does not sound likely.
I have a very strong suspicion that his doctor knows that he's not being truthful. Doctors and nurses are pretty good at observing whether or not a patient is being neglected.
I think the question now is, are you prepared to continue caring for him, knowing that he will continue being as he is?
There may be some kind of occurrence or circumstances in his early life that can explain his behavior. I'm not sure if it helps to consider that or not.
I consider it very heroic that you continue to care about and for him, despite his mistreating you for so many years.
@spiritriver
Thank you for your comments and advice..My father has a super ego which he considers a great thing,yes it doesn't k pw to appreciate or praise others.I have always wondered about this from my early childhood days but those days I never questioned it because I was young . Now after marriage I was exposed to the world and zi realised my dad is not right..financially we had lot of money, with it came lot of pride in my dad.He was the sole breadwinner and he nver allowed us to work.EVn then he always critizes us,puts us down.. I had to go fr therapy to dig deeper into my issues.now m slowly recovering but I have developed abnormal fears and phobias
Im taking care of my dad because it's my responsibility..but I was expecting little appreciation from him but was disappointed.He still doesn't want to.connect with me and my sister and keeps a distance..so now my sis said let him be..we can't do much..
Yes he has lot of mental issues but he's going to isolation and depression because of his refusal to connect with other people n his own family.
Should I expect appreciation or do u think I should just accept him as he is(doing that now).my dad's abnormality has affected my mom also but they r old and refuses to see counsellor or make any changes so we gave no option but to accept .
If anyone has come across such personalities, please message me so I know m nt alone
@tia2utoo
I've encountered many such people, having been a nurse and caregiver for many years. My own mom was very much like your dad.
Should you expect appreciation? It's not my place to advise you. That's why I posed the above questions. Ben Franklin said something to the effect: expect the worst, then if anything less awful happens, you can be pleasantly surprised. In this situation, that would mean accepting your dad as he's always been, and if he does change, you can be pleasantly surprised. If he doesn't change, hopefully, you're mentally and emotionally prepared to accept it.
