Always too big
I've always been too big. I surpasses my older sister in both height and weight, years ago. My sister is the picture of perfection, small, skinny and down right stunning. At the age of 10,I was as tall as my parents and for some reason, it made them beleive that because I had the body of an adult, I wasn't a child anymore. In. Their eyes, I had grown up and that meant enduring the small but persistent comments on my size.
Once when I was nine, we had a family dinner. I stood up from the table to the wash my hands and my dad told me that I gained weight. My family started laughing and I had to join in, trying so hard not to burst into tears. How are you supposed to cry when you're almost your dads size?
Since then, I've been on and off of diets to try and lose weight. It's hard to diet behind my family's back but they'd never accept me on a diet. They would go in a rant on how I don't need to lose weight and then mock me cause they'd think I'm trying to impress someone.
A few months ago, I had a dress tailored for me. In morroco, that's how you get the traditional outfit. We bought the fabric and did the design before taking it to a tailor. The whole process took 2 years cause even if the sewing only took a few months, we spent ages looking for the perfect fabric. When it was done, I loved it. We took it home and my sister tried hers. Of course she looked stunning in it. It was my turn to try mine but as I try to pull it on, it blocks. I coudn't get in it! I was mortified, everyone started giggling a bit and I laughed with them. Then I ran to my room and cried my sorry heart out. This dress was made to fit me, it was made to my size, nothing could have went wrong yet I still managed to mess it up. I jusr wanted one outfit to feel beautiful in and no! It doesn't fit.
Clothes shopping has become the most stressful time of the week. It ends with my self esteem at an all time low and comments on my size at an all time high. In changing rooms, the world seems to close in, I can't breathe, i can't see, everything becomes too tight and I have to dig my nails into my palms bring myslef back
Finally, I am madly in love with horses. I started riding 2 years ago and even if I missed alot of lessons cause my parents couldn't take me, I feel like I'm getting somewhere. Here's the thing,my parents never seem to accept that only I ride. They constantly try to drag my sister into the ordeal. I know it's ridiculous and jealous of me but she's always beat me at everything and I feel like if she starts riding well she'll naturally be amazing and I'll be forgotten. My dad always says very passive agressivley that riders should be short and skinny. The total opposite of me. Little comments like you need to have the body of an athlete to be good. It makes me feel like I'll never be "enough".
I really don't know why I posted this, maybe to get it off my chest, or perhaps to see if anyone else can relate.
@LittleDaisy1800
I can feel how much weight you’ve been carrying not just physically, but emotionally, for years. What you’ve gone through is deeply unfair, and none of it makes you “less” or unworthy. You were a child who was treated like an adult far too soon, and those little comments that people toss around so casually? They’re not small. They sink in, and they hurt in ways that most people never see. Your worth has never been tied to your size, your height, or how you look in a dress. That dress not fitting wasn’t a sign that you “messed it up” it was just a piece of fabric that didn’t match your body in that moment. That’s all. But your mind has been trained to see it as a verdict, when in reality, it’s not a judgment on your beauty, your strength, or who you are. I hear the way you talk about riding horses, and I see your spark there. That’s yours. It’s something you’ve built for yourself despite all the noise around you. And it’s okay to want to protect that from comparisons. You’re allowed to have something that is just for you, where you get to shine on your own terms. The truth is your body doesn’t have to fit anyone’s outdated image of an “athlete” to be strong, capable, and worthy. You’re already showing so much strength by even getting back up after the comments, after the changing rooms, after the moments you’ve wanted to shrink away. You are not “too big.” You are enough, exactly as you are right now. And you deserve to exist without having to laugh off the hurt, without having to pretend it doesn’t matter. It does matter and you matter more than any number on a scale, more than any dress size, more than any comparison to your sister. One day, you’re going to look back and see that the most powerful thing about you wasn’t the way you looked in anyone’s eyes it was the way you kept going, kept loving the things you love, and slowly reclaimed yourself.
You’re not alone in this and you’re not broken. You’re just someone who’s been told the wrong story about themselves for too long. It’s okay to start rewriting it now.
@LittleDaisy1800
We are all different.
Doesn't make you less beautiful.
No one should have laughed or jeered at you.
You didn't deserve that .
Enjoy the horse riding.
Don't let the joy or fun be taken out of it.
Never let anyone else do Tate how you feel about yourself 💜💕
I don't know why others enforce their perceptions on us. Why should we be the same? Why should we be perfect.
It's nonsense. I'm sorry you were treated that way. Slowly I learned to embrace my flaws and list them freely. (I'm clumsy).
I learned to twist things around in my mind, instead of I hate my arms, I questioned, Hey Brain, what do I like?
I hope it helps to share :)
I really understand your struggle. It's always this sibling comparison that the parents do. I hate it. I am vifted with a smart brain. I achieve good in my academics. But my sister is gifted with beauty. Now they compare her to me in pictures. They laugh at how I look old and can't dress well even when I took my time and effort to look my best, but because I am not that pretty, they ignore me. Also my oldest sister is the biggest reason why I am struggling with self esteem. We went on a vacation together, and we were taking pictures, one time she was taking pictures of my little sister and I was in the frame, she signaled me to move away like i am a peasant to her eyes. And when she took the image, I tought I was next for her to take picturesm but no, it was only for my little sister. I hate them allll
I really understand your struggle. It's always this sibling comparison that the parents do. I hate it. I am vifted with a smart brain. I achieve good in my academics. But my sister is gifted with beauty. Now they compare her to me in pictures. They laugh at how I look old and can't dress well even when I took my time and effort to look my best, but because I am not that pretty, they ignore me. Also my oldest sister is the biggest reason why I am struggling with self esteem. We went on a vacation together, and we were taking pictures, one time she was taking pictures of my little sister and I was in the frame, she signaled me to move away like i am a peasant to her eyes. And when she took the image, I tought I was next for her to take picturesm but no, it was only for my little sister. I hate them allll
I really connect to what you said about the clothes. Hardly any dresses ever fit me at all, and people often make comments and because it's not their problem they make the comments so insensitively - being cheerful or blunt, joking and saying it so rudely.
I felt like you when I first finished puberty, that I was dealt such an unfair hand and people and culture only made it worse, and nobody understood.
It's not easy. But you will find your own way to manage and there are so many things in life to enjoy, for me it took many years but a certain style of dress normally fits me, so I never have to try the other styles on any more and feel so upset in the changing rooms.
I wish you all the best and hope you learn your own way, and that it's just as important and good as other people's.
