Broken
I am doing better. I did not think I would ever let go of concepts of never. I never thought I would be happy and was proven wrong. Now my heart sings a song.
Tonight, my mind thinks of the other. That in the ether there could be another. Someone to share my soul, to see me for me. How could that be? I am not worthy.
Life is good, for I smile, and I cry. I try and I try, I search for meaning. It's seeming hollow though, as there is no-one to warm with my new-found glow. I am a fire in a forest, lost and hopeless, unseen and unwanted. Untethered, becoming bothered.
I will not stop looking, within and without. There is doubt, but I am not down and out. I'm just lonely, and while I need somebody, I don't want someone who makes me feel like nobody. I want genuine connection, someone to love who craves my attention.
What I seek may be rare, but I cannot bear the idea of never trying to go there. So, I ask: how do I cope? How, in the meantime, do I not choke? What is the secret of solitude? How do I remain resolute? How do I improve myself, make myself appealing, without distorting or reaching?
I am somewhat broken, I know this. Life with me would not be bliss. I think I could make the right person content, maybe nothing more than that, and so I lament.
Any and all advice is welcome, I need it. Please help me feel not so defeated!
@cyanessence I feel that I can level with you cyan. For that, read "I'm not pulling my punches on this one". So here goes:
You've said there were things you thought you'd never let go of, or become - and you were proven wrong. Are you open to the possibility of being proven wrong again on many fronts? Good. I thought so.
First up, telling yourself "I am not worthy". What a powerful spell that is.
Philosophical digression: and I'm not kidding - the words 'grammar' and 'glamour' share a common etymology: to 'cast glamour' was to weave a spell, the word derived into grammar, which meant occult learning. Words have power.
Moreover as David Burns says, in discussing negative thought patterns, you're literally hypnotising yourself with that one.
The secret to successfully being on your own is paradoxically the same as that to being in a successful relationship - be the sort of person whose acquaintance you would wish to make. The qualities we look for are those we need to embody. If you do, then you'll never be in bad company when alone.
You mentioned self-improvement, but expressed concerns about overreaching. There's no such thing, and Abraham Maslow would cry if he heard that one. There's a great YT channel 'Mr Clark's Classroom' which I think would resonate with you - he talks more about self-actualisation, together with lots of other sources of solace for the soul-weary.
Right-io. I could go on, but I'll leave it there. Stay strong cyan, you haven't come this far to only come this far, as the saying goes. And I like my axioms as much as you like your philosophy.
@DemiMondaine
You are right. And yes, I like being proven wrong! It's a great way to learn.
By saying "I am not worthy" I am dooming myself. I do believe I have work to do, but if I wait for perfection I will be waiting forever, I think! And by not reaching, I am not being the kind of person I am seeking. I want to reach out! Someone has to, right?
"I haven't come this far to only come this far." This aligns perfectly with my belief in progressive adaptation. I am proud of myself, but this is not the end! I will be reasonable of course, but I will add to my own story.
Thank you for your kind words. You made me think! I feel a lot better now.
@cyanessence being wrong is great! it's liberating to be able to say, 'I was completely off the mark', and having humility takes the pressure off, as we become less entrenched in proving that we always have to be right. I like your phrase 'progressive adaptation', Cyan - it reminds me of the Japanese idea of kaizen, or continuous improvement. We can be great, and proud of what we've achieved, and still strive for more. But the idea of perfection is chimeric and counterproductive. Let "I am worthy, I am loved, I am enough" be your new mantra (or affirmation) and start writing yourself a new neural script. We're all here, cheering you on.
@DemiMondaine
Being wrong takes me aback, but thrills me. It makes me realise there is still more to know, and I love the pursuit of knowledge.
I'm not sure how I feel about perfection... I did write a small piece on it once saying that one shouldn't strive for perfection as it's unhealthy stagnation. I do think sometimes we reach perfection though. Say the perfect thing, sing a perfect note. But time demands we move on!
As much as I am in favour of improving, one should also take breaks! Just... we are on a river, and if we don't get back on the boat, we'll be stranded on the shore and miss so many beautiful sights.
I will use that mantra. It sure beats the old one. Thanks, friend.
@cyanessence I love how you phrased that; we can indeed sing the perfect note, but time moves on. Imagine a perfect note, held forever. Earsplitting and nausea-inducing. It's the space that defines the notes - this brings me to your point on taking breaks. Yes, they're absolutely necessary as every system has to have some 'give' or latitude built into it, otherwise it becomes very brittle.
@DemiMondaine
A perfect note held forever... sounds terrible to me!
I love the way you phrase everything. I'm seeing more of your posts around and you are wise.
Thanks for giving me some of your time!
@cyanessence that's a very kind thing to say cyan. Believe me, it's from being wrong on many occasions that I've learned how to phrase things better, lol! It's definitely a skill I've had to hone, not any innate talent.
@cyanessence
You have a depth to you that I just love 💜
Your presence radiates a web of creativity.
Your intelligence opens the doors to conversations that enrich, captivate and entertain.
Your humility is worn like a chain around your neck.
Your heart is big and open and hear me when I shout, You are more than worthy and you are more than enough 🥰💜
@Amanda84
I believe you. You have never steered me wrong. I don't think you would steer anyone wrong.
I'm a little lost for words! My perspective is shifting. The thought that I am worthy, that I am enough, is new to me. It fills me with potential. Of course, I will manage my expectations. I am also trying to be realistic. I'm not going to force anything, but I can't keep closing myself off to possibility.
You are a beautiful soul Amanda84. You mend the broken with words alone.
@cyanessence ah, a heartfelt thank you 💜🥰
@Amanda84 your last sentence lends itself perfectly to an affirmation Amanda, I've just co-opted it into my response - TYSM!
@DemiMondaine ah thank you 💜🥰
