Building my own self esteem
Hi, I hope I'm not intruding.
So, for starter, I'm a French speaker but I do hope you'll understand my English.
So, I'm a 33 (almost 34) mother of a 5-year-old child (son). Last year, in June, I asked for a divorce because of domestic abuse. A relationship of 14 years where consent was just a concept and my needs only issues for him.
I wanted to go over it quickly... but he was found guilty of physical abuse on our son. I had the full custody of the little one for 4 months and, even found guilty, I need to reintroduce him to my qon's life in cas the family judge, for the divirce, ask for a shred custody.
While dealing with that divorce, the back and forth between the counselor, finding an appartement and learning how to live alone, I met two persons.
The first one is a work colleague, so not really a meeting. It lasted 6 months, and we decided to stop due to my strong emotional dependance to him.
The second guy I met him on *** and, after 2 weeks, he told me the same : too "needy" of reassurance and that he liked me but wanted to keep it simple.
So here I am, feeling unworthy of everything, feeling that my son should be with his father and that he'll be happier without his socially and mentally ill mother, completely alone and facing a truth I didn't want to face : I don't know how to live alone (even if I'm not with the little one), I'm still an emotional dependant, and I reply to much on how the other treat and value me to feel good.
I tried breathing exercises, it seems I'm not able to find gratitudes, I hate myself (2 things I liked, my eyes and voices) and I'm feeling unworthy of everything...
@hardworkingComputer4652
No one is ever unworthy of everything. Find yourself...... learn to love and depend on yourself ...and you can include others after that process. Is it lonely sometimes but self dependance is something that will serve you well your whole life.
I do not think low self-esteem or being needy is a flaw or illness it is just something you work on. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You asked for divorce you have decided to work on shared custody that takes patience and working as a team even with someone you might not want to deal with. Some do not have that strength.
enjoy your child and be strong... you are a role model for him.
But unfortunately I have the impression that I don't have the resources to live alone.
Everytime I want to change, it doesn't last and I'm getting back to my old routines.
I'm not strong, I should have seen everything before the accusations and also ask for the divorce earlier. Everything is my fault...
@hardworkingComputer4652
A relationship is 2 and blame is shared.
Many people when making changes run back to their old established habits and think of more why they cannot thoughts instead of why they CAN do it. I was in shoes like yours I stayed and wish I did not. I slowly see my own strength. looking back, I regret all I did not do.
Most people feel weak and scared of all the things when facing big life changes, we fear all that could go wrong. you are not alone in that....
I really want to change, to improve my life and be proud of it someday.
I understand a lot, about my relationships, my patterns, my traumas.. but it seems impossible for me to do the first step in order to change.
The blame is normally to share, but I keep it full as my burden, and I always have this feeling of not being enough, of failure and I'm afraid to put in place some changes...
@hardworkingComputer4652
I understand.
I too have been in situations like that thankfully I had others around me who really would not let me procrastinate in making changes in my life. My only regret now is all the time I wasted telling myself i could not change or did not know where to start or waiting for some right moment etc.
Keeping blame or feeling like we are not enough is what keeps us from change. we build our own obstacles and hurdles to overcome.
How did you do to stop blaming yourself, and accept that you can make mistakes ?
@hardworkingComputer4652
All I do is look around ... everyone makes mistakes. everyone has flaws. most accept and move on.
So, to me holding myself to an impossible standard of never making mistakes or making errors in my life is illogical. We are human.
And what about if you've always been told that, no matter what, everything is your fault, that your mistakes are huge and that you should take the blame...
I understand that mistakes can be made. When I'm thinking about the others, I do have more sympathy for their mistakes and I'm to severe with mine. I don't allow me to do mistakes, without thinking that it might cause someone's pain...
@hardworkingComputer4652
I understand that feeling and being told for years that it IS your fault does take a toll on us. We hold ourselves to an impossible standard and punish ourselves for much longer than any discomfort our mistakes have caused.
Re-write the script. You can choose to believe something you were convinced of by others, or You can repeat over and over everyone makes mistakes and the blame is often in the middle.
What is the reason the person or people convinced you it was your problem. Maybe, it keeps you to try to be perfect, to always appease them and take blame that most likely was their burden. Some people do this to keep you down or afraid to try things. It is like holding you in an invisible cage.
I'm the 3rd on 4th daughter, the smallest of them all and also the most people pleaser.
I've always been told by my sisters to take the blame, because our parents would forgive me.
Fun fact : they never ! And so, after that, my first relationship as a teenager was with a guy who alternates girlfriends every weeks (I was sweet A, he had a week B just like plannings at school). And everytime I was jalous or made a comment, I was categorised as too much, crazy, and that this situation was all mine to bear.
Because I wasn't enough to be chosen full time, only part.
It comes from that, and even explaining it it feel pathetic and hard at the same time. I'm telling myself that I shouldn't have to comment, that they gave me what I deserved and that I deserve not more. But at the same time I feel pathetic...
@hardworkingComputer4652
I am the 3rd of 4 sisters. I was a big people pleaser most of my life. often took blame that was not mine alone. All that got me was taken advantage of over and over again and missed opportunities. changing it is hard. Especially IF people around you push back because people like a people pleaser who will take blame or try harder to appease others.
Accept you WERE different in past ... you will not be a people pleaser any longer.
start small say no to some request that was asked because you always people please. It is like exercise........ start small and build your belief in yourself like building a muscle thru working out.
You will reach a point when you love yourself and believe in yourself and all of that past will fade away.
Hi, your story is very emotional, however first I want you to recognise that you are not mentally ill, nor worthless, you are just going through a phase which will soon pass
Secondly you don't need a relationship right now, you need to heal emotionally, mentally and physically. You need time to love yourself, be happy with yourself. Discover a hobby that makes you happy
Thirdly you have to choose to be happy, to believe in yourself and learn how to love yourself for you sake.
I don't know how to do all that.
That's the saddest part. I'm alone with my son. I don't eat, I don't sleep, I don't have time, I'm not financially supported by the father by he gives himself a permission to criticise my way of raising our son. He threatens me, harass me. Now the official date for the divorce is settled... and that will be a living he'll until I can see the end of it...
