Building my own self esteem
Hi, I hope I'm not intruding.
So, for starter, I'm a French speaker but I do hope you'll understand my English.
So, I'm a 33 (almost 34) mother of a 5-year-old child (son). Last year, in June, I asked for a divorce because of domestic abuse. A relationship of 14 years where consent was just a concept and my needs only issues for him.
I wanted to go over it quickly... but he was found guilty of physical abuse on our son. I had the full custody of the little one for 4 months and, even found guilty, I need to reintroduce him to my qon's life in cas the family judge, for the divirce, ask for a shred custody.
While dealing with that divorce, the back and forth between the counselor, finding an appartement and learning how to live alone, I met two persons.
The first one is a work colleague, so not really a meeting. It lasted 6 months, and we decided to stop due to my strong emotional dependance to him.
The second guy I met him on *** and, after 2 weeks, he told me the same : too "needy" of reassurance and that he liked me but wanted to keep it simple.
So here I am, feeling unworthy of everything, feeling that my son should be with his father and that he'll be happier without his socially and mentally ill mother, completely alone and facing a truth I didn't want to face : I don't know how to live alone (even if I'm not with the little one), I'm still an emotional dependant, and I reply to much on how the other treat and value me to feel good.
I tried breathing exercises, it seems I'm not able to find gratitudes, I hate myself (2 things I liked, my eyes and voices) and I'm feeling unworthy of everything...
@hardworkingComputer4652
No one is ever unworthy of everything. Find yourself...... learn to love and depend on yourself ...and you can include others after that process. Is it lonely sometimes but self dependance is something that will serve you well your whole life.
I do not think low self-esteem or being needy is a flaw or illness it is just something you work on. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You asked for divorce you have decided to work on shared custody that takes patience and working as a team even with someone you might not want to deal with. Some do not have that strength.
enjoy your child and be strong... you are a role model for him.
But unfortunately I have the impression that I don't have the resources to live alone.
Everytime I want to change, it doesn't last and I'm getting back to my old routines.
I'm not strong, I should have seen everything before the accusations and also ask for the divorce earlier. Everything is my fault...
@hardworkingComputer4652
A relationship is 2 and blame is shared.
Many people when making changes run back to their old established habits and think of more why they cannot thoughts instead of why they CAN do it. I was in shoes like yours I stayed and wish I did not. I slowly see my own strength. looking back, I regret all I did not do.
Most people feel weak and scared of all the things when facing big life changes, we fear all that could go wrong. you are not alone in that....
I really want to change, to improve my life and be proud of it someday.
I understand a lot, about my relationships, my patterns, my traumas.. but it seems impossible for me to do the first step in order to change.
The blame is normally to share, but I keep it full as my burden, and I always have this feeling of not being enough, of failure and I'm afraid to put in place some changes...
@hardworkingComputer4652
I understand.
I too have been in situations like that thankfully I had others around me who really would not let me procrastinate in making changes in my life. My only regret now is all the time I wasted telling myself i could not change or did not know where to start or waiting for some right moment etc.
Keeping blame or feeling like we are not enough is what keeps us from change. we build our own obstacles and hurdles to overcome.
How did you do to stop blaming yourself, and accept that you can make mistakes ?
Hi, your story is very emotional, however first I want you to recognise that you are not mentally ill, nor worthless, you are just going through a phase which will soon pass
Secondly you don't need a relationship right now, you need to heal emotionally, mentally and physically. You need time to love yourself, be happy with yourself. Discover a hobby that makes you happy
Thirdly you have to choose to be happy, to believe in yourself and learn how to love yourself for you sake.
I don't know how to do all that.
That's the saddest part. I'm alone with my son. I don't eat, I don't sleep, I don't have time, I'm not financially supported by the father by he gives himself a permission to criticise my way of raising our son. He threatens me, harass me. Now the official date for the divorce is settled... and that will be a living he'll until I can see the end of it...
