I Fail
My name is Farrel and I am a college student.
Last night, I wasn’t sleep enough to prepare my presentation. This morning, I presented my powerpoint in class. It went pretty well, even I think We could deliver better if we were not deadliners.
I tried so hard, to carry the team. I made all the slides, and bring the concepts. Yet, I think I still can’t delivered it well. I started realizing this when the other presenters deliver better. At that moment, I see myself unworthy. Like— Suddenly all my efforts become so worthless compared to them. I did all my best, sleep for 3 hours, revised 10x times, etc. Yet I know I couldn’t handle all of it by myself.
No one chooses me while the lecturer told us to form a group. I feel unseen, unworthy, bcoz I only have value in academic. I am nothing if I fail on it. Every year since my 18th bday, I only have one wish, and I hope that it is my last birthday.
(for context, I grow in an asian parent mindset that if I dont get A grades, they will punish me. I have BPD diagnosed on age 17)
@Farrelio
I remember having to do group projects while I was in college. You mentioned that you could've delivered better if you were not deadliners. I'm guessing that two thirds of college students are deadliners. Therefore, you are far from being alone. At least you realize how such procrastination affects your performance. I think college is a perfect place for learning about such things.
You also indicate that you tried to carry the team. I remember being in that position. I would do practically all the work, but the "team" got the credit. I believe that in reality, you should have gotten all the credit and then some, just for successfully finishing the project and doing as well as you did. Even if your presentation wasn't perfect, it could well have been much better than anything that any individual member of the other groups could have done on their own.
You did not fail. You came through for your group when no one else did. That's the opposite of failure. The lecturer failed (which is very common) to observe who in the group was doing the most work, and most willing to take initiative. I believe it's totally unfair to put an academically strong student into a group where the rest of the students are mediocre.
Ask yourself, if you were in a group of other academically strong students, how much better would the presentation have been?
How does being the only one who came through for your group make you unworthy?
Why compare yourself with an entire group of individuals who were more cooperative with each other?
In a setting where academic value is the primary objective, why feel worthless while demonstrating the ability to fulfill that objective?
School is not fair enough to support the concept that all A’s are required. For example, in one test, I got 100% of the answers correct, but the professor only gave me a score of 92%. When I asked why I got that score, the only explanation I received was "there's always room for improvement." On another test, I received a C, even though I knew the material completely. The instructor didn't offer a reason for the low grade. In another class, I received the highest score in the entire state for a test that compared classes statewide on the subject, but received a D on the final. I'm pretty sure I knew what happened in that case. The answer sheet was one of those where you place a black mark corresponding to the right answer. I must have missed a question, which resulted in my marking all the subsequent answers on the sheet wrong. The instructor left town immediately after administering the test, so I had no opportunity to retake it.
Still, I graduated with honors.
In order to get all A's, not only do you have to be perfect, but so do all the instructors in the school. I have no personal experience of seeing that happen.
I wish that schools would offer a class in self focused empathy, compassion, understanding and forgiveness. I think receiving and A in that class would be of great value.