I feel broken in my self esteem (though I want to be confident)

I didn't know what community to put this at, so here I am!

*Little Trigger warninggg as you know. Abuse, neglect, all that stuff *

    It's really rough for me these days, because problems pile up at the same time, and I'm emotionnally exhausted. And I have a father and a sister who judge me for basically breathing. And I'm scared of walking, talking and even smiling. I have a social anxiety which I fear nobody can top, though I look fine on the external. My friends just don't know how much efforts it takes me to look "normal" and even convince myself I can talk normal. When daily trauma affects your day to day life, when you're in a class where everything feels different and when you can't have a father who accepts letting you go to your mother's house to take old display books to use for the next classes because you waited a week telling professors next day you'll have the notebooks and you are late in re-writting lessons of nearly all classes let alone homework and you can't sleep because you feel threatened and unsafe but it's valid AND you have no one to seriously and honestly talk to about your real issues (not just I didn't sleep), which is probably the worst thing on the list, then you're gonna do a simple thing which is burn out, and also procrastinate and disconnect and a less socially acceptable thing which is not being able to not collapse and even concentrate in what the professors are saying.

   Add in having ADHD? Well, that's me. I don't want pity. I just want to be seriously helped. And all adults who I should turned out untrustworthy. Also I realized this terrible fact that I was so much bullied everywhere that it began to be weird to be liked or treated well. IMAGINE. When somebody respects me, I wonder if they don't secretly judge me, and when somebody shows pleasure in speaking to me, I wonder how long it's gonna last. I feel like I'm walking in the shadows of who I was, and there's no obvious answer out there. I also learnt that the men ( the weirdoos) in one of my two neighbourhoods look at me weirdly ( creeeps), and I'm gonna go silent in what father told me was the reason for that. Spoiler alert, I basically can't go out now. Without being judged, potentially harassed tho I never lived that, and of course without feeling comfortable in my clothes or skin.

   How do I keep it together? Or persuade myself I'm not broken? My best idea was writting a book, but all of my novel type ideas ended up... Crashing. And naturally, I have another "the best idea" just after, and so on... Tell me my brain is not depressing.