Intrusive Thoughts
Unsure what category to post this in so I figured self esteem would work since it makes me feel like an absolute monster.
Every night as I lay in bed, my mind feels dominated by a version of me that I have zero control over. Terrible thoughts begin to spill into my head and I can't seem stop them.
They're usually back to back, jumping erratically from my kids getting hurt in all kinds of horrendous ways to myself being in dangerous situations. It feels like I am watching from above as this gruesome movie plays and I am forced to watch. My heart will start to miss beats as I cry my eyes out to these thoughts that don't feel like mine. I could never imagine such things all on my own. I am a good person with so much empathy it is a legit problem.
When I am done crying, I get really angry at the intrusiveness of it all. I struggle to understand what is happening. All I can do is use the thoughts I can control to shout at this other version of me, I will tell it to STOP!.. but then I can't predict or anticipate what those intrusive thoughts might say next. I can argue with this thing for hours. It feels like I have another person living inside my head.
It would be anyone's instinct to seek help. I know this. But believe me when I say.. these thoughts are incredibly "Stephen King", I would and could never openly tell people they're thoughts that originated from somewhere deep in my mind.
I am looking to understand what is happening, solutions to regain control, or people's stories (especially if you sought help).
I hope that you find a healthy way to cope with this because it sounds very draining.
I can only talk about my own experiences, I have really realistic nightmares that are often violent and unnerving and it took me a while to figure out the origin.
For me it's stress. I could be stretching myself to thinly, ignoring tasks or problems or just generally confused about the next steps and it piles up.
What I strive to do now, is figure out the cause and make steps on how I will deal with it. I might journal, I might talk to others, I might day by day, take small steps.
But I always have to confront it. I hope you have some support around you :)