I think I should be better

Not only on the part I feel bad about myself, but in the part I actually WANT to be better. All my life I've been living in melancholy, I put myself as the worst, but I don't do nothing about it and I feel like I am victimizing myself, which I think is true. I've done bad things, I sometimes don't even get why people say they love me when I, in my interior feel I don't deserve anything. It's embarrassing to remember the past, it's embarrassing to acknowledge what I did wrong, but I have to face it, and I want to take responsibility and once and for all be better, be happy. I have certain problem where I think everything is going to end up in a catastrophe, but in the end, sometimes it doesn't even happen. I am a people pleaser, and I hate that, I want to at least live as myself. Sometimes I feel hypocritical, sometimes I feel egotistical, sometimes I feel like I'm hurting others, but I want to improve from it. I want to talk to someone about this, because I'm tired of the guilt I'm constructing; 3 years and I still can't forgive it. I feel out of place like I'm a stranger in this world, sometimes it's hard for me to really put the other people's shoes on because I think I'm too focused on myself. Sincerely, I want to improve, I really do and I will try to reach for help.