Labels and defining your worth
I like to use the terms 'writer' and 'artist' to define me, but I feel distant from them now. I used to feel supported in my creative endevours and this helped boost my sense of self and my worth: my friends did art and writing with me, we talked about our art and writing and shared characters and designed universes, my friends would read my stories, I did art and writing in school to the encouragement of teachers, I won art awards in school, I posted to DeviantArt and I was feeling confident and motivated. Since DeviantArt has gone downhill I have stopped posting there, my friends no longer read my stories, my friends no longer care about writing and art or our characters or universes, I am no longer in school, no one gives a *** about what I create or if I create anything at all. I write and draw for no one. I've lost interest in the things I used to be so passionate about because if no one gives a *** about them and no one gives a *** about me, then why bother? Without 'writer' and 'artist' I feel like I have no worth. I feel like a ghost I feel lost I feel abandoned and betrayed. I've tried going to meetups for local artists for months but I can't connect. I feel no passion or meaning in my work. This world feels cruel and miserable and meaningless and I don't know how to build myself back up again when the future for me just seems horribly bleak.
@determinedSea4370
It reminds me some "photographer's dilemma" me and many other people are facing on and on. The question is: Why do I do it? Do I take the photos for myself or for someone else? If I do it for myself, I can just see everything with my own eyes, so I guess it is all about sharing. But does receiving any "wows", upvotes or downvotes and critics are all it is about?
My answer was: If I am trying to create anything, it is not to satisfy people (though it is very pleasant to know someone used my photo as a birthday card for a friend!), but to fulfil the need of my soul. To be in this very special state of mind when I am creating, like connected to something higher. Or maybe even being pushed to do something by something from above?
A year ago I started going to a photography group meetings in the neighborhood. There are people there who know one another for years and are not very interested in contact with any "fresh blood", someone from outside. So it seems I gave up, and next time it is only me and my camera again.
But who said artist's life should be easy? 😊
The biggest gift we receive is the gift of seeing. If we are able to share what we see with someone, or find anybody interested in it at all, that's a different question.
@jacek73 So I'm not the only one who struggles to connect to groups like that! I love the idea of a 'gift of seeing' for us artists. I'm just so stuck in how abandoned I feel that I'm having trouble finding the motivation/wonder in anything. I keep getting hurt by the feeling that if no one cares about my art, it has no value and thus me as an artist has no value and thus this 'me' that I have built up through all these years has no value. It makes me want to not be alive. I think that in order for me to make art again, I need to build a better support network. I feel faceless if I'm starved of genuine creative company.
@determinedSea4370
Hi,
I hope you are doing well. From what I read I think that you found your identity in being an artist or a writer. It was something that made you you and something that you found your identity in. Dealing with identity can be quite hard I can tell you that but it is important to always remember that you are so much more than just an artist or a writer. You left a part od you in acting and writing and that is why you can find yourself in it. Your friends reading or not reading your work doesnt determine if you are a writer or not. You have a long life ahead of you and you will have a lot of oppertunities in life for you ti express yourself and for other people to see that in you. But in the end of the day the important part is how you feel about it and if YOU can find yourself in it. Now of course I am not implying that you will die poor and be recognized after you die but what I am trying to say is Mozzart and Leonardo da Vinci died poor and were recognized only after their deaths so does that make them any less of a composer and a painter?No it does not. Keep doing what you love and dont let anyone stop you from it because the truth is that parts of yourself thst you keft in acting and writing you will only find in acting and writing so dont let anyone stop you from doing that.
I hope you will find your path and good luck to you❤️
@gentleCoconut8022 Thank you. I'm only barely getting back on my creative feet and I still feel unsteady, but I recently managed to write almost 3 days in a row and complete a drawing for the first time since this summer. I'd been searching for fulfillment in productivity and to-do lists when all I really needed was a little time each day to write and feel like me again.
