Not good enough

I don’t really know what I’m trying to accomplish from posting about this. I don’t even know what kind of response I want from it. But all I’ve had on my mind for months now has been a constant stream of that one phrase, “not good enough.” No matter what I do, no matter what I don’t do, it’s constant.

No matter how well I do during a day of work, “not good enough.” No matter how good of an idea I get for a personal project I’m working on, “not good enough.” No matter how well an interaction went with a friend or loved one, “not good enough.” No matter how much I get done in a day, “not good enough.”

No amount of success or personal achievement even feels good. I just think about how I could’ve been better, and how pathetic it is that I wasn’t already better from the get go. Why didn’t I already know how to do this or that? Why didn’t I practice this more earlier? Why did I have to ask for help? Why didn’t I just do it all on my own like I should be able to?

I’ve even completely given up on some things because of this. I can’t give up on my job because I need the money. But as someone that loves music and writing, it’s just not enjoyable when I feel like the scum of the earth for not doing something perfectly or sounding perfect on the first try. It’s embarrassing to still be in the “I can barely play chords” stage of guitar, even if nobody knows. It’s like it’s still an embarrassment, a shame even to just myself. So I just don’t play anymore. I don’t try to write anymore. I don’t try to create anything. I just work, because at least then I feel useful in some regard. And my hobbies are now just things like watching YouTube and stuff like that. Anything where I don’t have to actually do anything and risk feeling insecure.

I feel incredibly unfulfilled in every part of my life now, but I have no idea what to do to fix that. How to not scream “not good enough” to myself whenever I do anything. It’s like it’s the only form of motivation I’ve known, but it’s not motivating to me anymore.