STRUGGLING TO FIT IN/ BULLYING/ DEPRESSION

I'm an only child and struggled fitting in every since i was kid. I'm left alone by my parents most of the time since they both have to work, and i was often left with a nanny or our neighbors. No one wants to play with me specifically, maybe because i was fat? ugly? disgusting? so i kept forcing them to play with me. Even my parents mentioned that back then when they invited a playmate come over to our house and was about to leave, i locked the door so she can't go out the house and cried with her begging her not leave. This continued on through middle school, i was bullied for being to shy to make friends, and not being able to relate to trendy things during that time. I was labled as a 'theif' even though all i do is kept their things that they left and gave it back to them, it feels targeted if it was one of them im sure they'll laugh it off but when it comes to me im 'disgusting'. I was a carefree smart kid back then but ever since they did those things, my grades, my self esteem, and *** even myself i lost it all. I fell into a deep depression for 2years, even tried to off myself. Now, im a senior in highschool things have changed alot i got back on my feet, got friends, and got back on that academic drive of mine. Still, I can't shake off the feeling that it's all a lie that its fake, i still feel like a disgusting loser disguised as a normal person. I'm still living in fear that if i do something wrong or embarrassing, things will go back the way it was before. I fear that my depression will come back as soon as i stopped occupying myself with my studies etc. I'm afraid to think, walk, and act upon my ideas and wants. I fear people, i fear their judgemental eyes seeping into my skin. Im anxious of what they think of me. I need help to get over this fear of mine, and i want answers on why this is happening it feels confusing. I genuinely want to become a better person, someone i could be proud of.