Trying to feel comfy

I recently started college and I was afraid of being judged for context I have zero friends at this point but then I met a small group and they and they make me ceel comfy and seen

One of the boys in the group was staring at me while we were talking and I got kinda self conscious cause he was really watching me he was listening to me talk would turn fully toward me to listen abd speak ges also multiple times brushed my hair out of the way even has walked me to class a few times

Well Wednesday during math he waited fit me after class and we walked back together he asked why I was always covering my smile and I stopped i didnt say anything but oh I dont know but he said I have a very contagious smile and laugh I shouldn't be shy but he said hes nkticed so far I get really shy ..

I didnt try and defend it because its true when people compliment me I get shy I shut down I freeze im not used to being called attractive or pretty or cute I was also kinda in the background like a song where its someone who's just hidden but should be a little aloud

He talked about how in painting painting we were cutting collages for our painting inspo he saw me and our friend dancing to music and looking at art pieces putting things together he said I should be a little more comfy this is college no one here cares I found that hard to believe because im not one to be seen or show up but him and his grouo have been helping me step out a little bit and it scares me because the eya they see me i will never see myslef

I wanted to cry when our freind Luna said I was look pretty in lavender. Purple shades have always been my favorite color my ex boyfriend never liked how it looked on me i stopped wearing it alot my nails, my skirts, my leggings my purple Taylor swift speak now cardigan my purple converse i stopped wearing my favorite things because it made me self conscious

That was the first time since my breakup I wore anything purple it felt like someone poured cold water on me. My ex never complimented me ever or called me pretty or anything he mainly mroe commented on my body things only guys say when their only into for it i never once felt pretty I always felt ugly no matter what but thst made me wanna cry no one ever calls me nice things but this new group does its hard realizing ive never been called beautiful or pretty or anything like that its always been things I didnt like hearing I feel gross I feel uncomfortable thinking someone can see me as beautiful when I never feel it