Self-Harm Recovery Daily Check In: Friday, January 11th, 2019
Happy FriYAY every amazing one! 
How are you feeling today? :)
Do you have any plans for the weekend? Maybe just relaxing a bit and recharging? :)
Share something you are proud of about yourself and/or something you have achieved lately! :)
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@redmark
1. How are you feeling today? :)
I'm feeling kind of meh, not so happy compared to the first few days of the New Year, but it's okay. Still better compared to the bad days I had last year.
2. Do you have any plans for the weekend? Maybe just relaxing a bit and recharging? :)
My family and I are having my birthday celebration tomorrow. <3
3. Share something you are proud of about yourself and/or something you have achieved lately! :)
I'm proud of bouncing back from a sad day the other day and I am so proud of being patient with myself with regards to fluctuating depressive emotions. Yay me!
@BunnieLuv just wanted to say hey
@mytwistedsoul hi, lovelie 💖
Hey there @BunnieLuv *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
It is always so nice to hear from you around here!
Oh...meh is...well, it is meh. I am sorry to hear that you do not feel as happy as you were feeling earlier but I think some of this down time is part of life as well. I am glad to hear that it is not too bad this time tho. I hope you will feel happy again soon either way! ^-^
Birthday? Sounds exciting! Who will you be celebrating? I mean, either way happy birthday to whoever it may be! :)
I think it is such an important thing to be able to see the amazing work you have done for that "bounce back" and I am proud of you for it as well. I mean, I do believe in that our failures and downfalls do not determine us but the way we have react to them and you are doing an absolutely amazing job at it for sure. :)
Stay awesome!
@redmark Hi red, thank you for all your kind words--it's my birthday we're going to celebrate! 💖
@BunnieLuv Oh, Happy Birthday to you, I hope you will have an amazing day!
@redmark
How are you feeling today? :)
well, could be better but could be worse. I was very sick the past 3 days and couldnt leave my bed, missed an french exam and am still not feeling good.
Do you have any plans for the weekend? Maybe just relaxing a bit and recharging? :)
my plans are unfortunately...studying,studying,studying as i couldnt it the past 3 days. i have a physics exam and chemistry exam next week where i need to archive a good grade.
Share something you are proud of about yourself and/or something you have achieved lately! :)
i d say taking care of my health & body when needed. instead of stressing myself about not being able to go to school, i relaxed and let my body get some energy.
and that picture is so cute and uplifting!!
Hey there @dynamicHemlock1736 *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
We are really glad to have you here with us!
Also, I am really happy that you have liked the picture, I love to share these kinds of things with people and it is so awesome to see it has helped someone, so, thank you! yay! :)
Aww, I am sorry to hear that you have been sick like that, it sounds really hard and frustrating but hopefully now you will be back to 100% soon and you will be able to catch up with everything soon as well. :)
That's a lot of exams! 
I mean, I know it can feel really overwhelming but please make sure that you take the time to take care of yourself and I do know you are and you will be trying your very best so do not be too hard on yourself.
I think that is a really important thing that you are able to prioritize self-care like that. I mean, it is often overlooked but, as I have found, in the long run it can really be helpful to have a good shedule of self-care and work/sutdying so you do not just burn out. I mean, I am really happy to hear that you do have that balance and I am really proud of you for putting all this hard work into it. :)
Stay awesome!
@redmark Hello! How are you today?
I'm drained. Had an anger issue yesterday and I have a tendency to feed on it.
They are calling for snow this weekend, so I'm kind of looking forward to that. Snow means no one can get to me.
Today is day 8 no sh, even though I blew a fuse yesterday I didn't take it out on myself.. I chopped wood instead. I'm not going to get cocky though because how's that saying...pride goeth before a fall. something like that.
Hey there @mytwistedsoul *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
It is so nice to see you around here!
I...uhm...well...I kind of messed up my sleep schedule this week so I am just really tired but otherwise not to bad I think. Thank you for asking! :)
Ow, anger can be hard to control. I think I can really get carried away with it sometimes too but I think it is important that you recognize it and probably looking back at it now from a distant perspective maybe helpful to see how you coult probably manage or recognize it earlier in the future. I mean, it certainly takes time but I believe it is possible to manage anger in a much more healthy way. :)
We have quite a lot of snow here as well. Well, relatively I guess, compared to what we usually have but I can imagine that there will be a lot more for you but I do like to idea to use that time to just relax and recharge a bit :)
I mean, we all have our mistakes so I think a little bit of worrying and doubt can be healthy but that doesn't mean we cannot be a little bit proud of ourselves as well. I mena, I am certainly proud of you for being free from SH for 8 days not and being so strong yesterday and resist the urges and find an other outlet to that anger. You are doing a really good job! :)
Also, if it will ever come, relapse is just part of recovery, so do not worry about that either and no matter what, I want you to know that you are welcome here. I mean, you know, what the comic says, that's why it is there, because I do stand 110% behind it! :P
Stay awesome!
@redmark Thanks! I um don't like to be touched, I always feel bad about that. So I am sorry and I apologize if I'm being a pain. How do you deal with a rage that comes out of now where? A heart pounding, head thumping, rip someone head off rage. I felt great like an hour before, I finished something I had been working on and it was beautiful. An hour later I wanted to smash it. It just came out of now where. Sorry for being a pest and this maybe wasn't the place to post that. So, um, I'll be quiet now
@redmark Not very good. I have had 4 mental breakdowns within a month after telling my parents I was bi and being a femboy. They say they love me but wont support me. I have to rely on the people to keep myself in check. I've had to hide my pain behind a faux face. I feel empty, unenthusiastic about life, about the things I used to do normally never bring me joy. I try to make myself happy but I always feel down and bored. I feel like I'm losing myself. I usually joke myself 3-4 times a week before going to bed or just during the day in my room to ease the pain. The pain of existing.. I am trying to push foward towards finding a counselor or a therapist to help me. At least that would be better than death right? But anyways, I'm not feeling too good about myself, and I feel like I'm slowly deteriorating my relationship with my family, I feel like my mom doesnt see me the same son she once had. I need help, I'm looking for help. I hope I can find the help I need.
Hey therte @Jane27 *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
It is always really nice to have you here with us!
Aww, I am sorry to hear that your family is not supporting of who you really are. I mean, it can be really hard, I know, and I never understood it really as it is not like you have just changed your mind right then and there it just who you always were and who they loved, labels do not chnage the person you are.
Either way tho, I am really glad to have you here right now. It sure sounds like you are going through a tough time and maybe depression is getting a grasp on you but I want you to know that I am really proud of you for still fighting and reaching out for help and trying to find a therapist. Although I am not a professional by any means but I want you to know that you are always welcome here, just the way you are, and I would be always glad to listen to whatever is on your mind or just have you around here with us. :)
I mean, you are not alone in this and we do care about you no matter what, you and your feelings are always valid and important.
I mean, is there anything on your mind you would like to share or maybe talk about here? :) - I mean, I cannot PM you as I do not have a listener accoung but I would be more than happy to get to know you better and listen to whatever may be on your mind. Also, I have an endless supply of virtual hugs as well if you ever feel like you need one! ^-^
Stay strong and awesome!
Giggles, I love that: Happy FriYAY!
Thanks for the smile today :)
How are you feeling today? :)
Eh, I feel like I am on a surf board riding out waves of being numb and being abandoned and angry. My therapist/reiki healer always says, oh, you are free to yell in here, express anger, ect...and the one time I do , safley and not causeing harm to anything or person or myself, can't handle it and took it personally. I feel numb - maybe because im trying to be numb because that is just easier. I am feeling abandoned because she asked ( and put it on me) if I wanted to start coming once a month or just when needed or every two weeks or something - OUT OF THE BLUE! You dont go from every week to suggusting that! So I ask her - and she says some half a$$ lie. So, I freaking text her later that day, saying I have a strong feeling that it is becuase of something else and if she does not feel comfy working with me anymore, please let me know - she blames it on saying she thought I needed space from her because I was still mad at her ( the reason I expressed anger in the first place was because she was belitteling me and non stop agressivly telling me everything i was doing wrong - seriously. Anyways - anger now is kinda coming out - as in I am feeling it. Because the way she handeled this was not okay for a therapist nor a reiki healer ...i am a reiki healer and would NEVER do that, as a person, I would never do that. I am perfectly capable tof talking it out with her...I guess in some areas, I am more healthy than she is. But it is sad bc I really want to keep her ...but maybe not if we cant get back to open communication.
Do you have any plans for the weekend? Maybe just relaxing a bit and recharging? :)
Yes I do! I am going to see a production of Cinderella downtown tonight. Not really looking forward to it that much though but I think it is important for me to get out of the house and out of my comfy zone and out of my head.
Share something you are proud of about yourself and/or something you have achieved lately! :)
I , when I was feeling really abandoned by her...had this moment of thinking how " great" it would feel to release the feelings..and it poped into my head that SH would do the trick. I sat there, for a while, debating - where would I get the tools for it - I threw mine out a long time ago, what would it really accomplish, what would it feel like, how would I hide it, how would I feel after releapsing....and I am Very Proud to say: I DID NOT SH! So, that, that is what I am proud of achieving .
Hey there @blissedNblessed *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
It is always really nice to hear from you around here!
I am really glad to hear that you have liked the post and it had made you smile. yay! ^-^
Oww....the surf-board of - mostly negative - emotions doesn't sound like the best place to be on for sure, I am sorry to hear that you have to ride those waves out right now.
I think it is important as well to express your feelings, even the ones like your anger, and therapy sure sounds like the right place to do that, of course with the consent of the therapist. I am sorry to hear that she has had such an innapropriate reaction to it tho. I mean, I still kind of hold on to that notion that in any sort of relationship it requires two - or however many people are in it - people to make it work. Of course, it is a bit different dynamic in such a relationship where you pay for it but still, at the end of the day you and the professional are still people.
I mean, to be exactly honest here, therapy never worked with me. I have never been able to emotionally "functionate" in a formal environment like that so I may not be the best judge of it but I am just wondering if there is maybe a way to write/tell this to her as well. I mean, I found that writing things down helps me to keep things more composed and do not really let myself to get driven by anger or what-not.
Well, consideing you would like to still work with your therapist and reiki healer in the future of course. An other mistake I have made with therapy was that I have not been able to walk away when I have felt like it is not helping me at all but rather causing extra anxiety taking basically almost a year away from my life ending up feeling worse even compared to when I started - I mean, money was never an issue for me, but I guess I have spent quite an amount of that as well there.
Uhm, I mean, I guess it just boils down to what you want right now out of this? You have every right to be mad at her for her behavior and if you feel like she has crossed the line for you and it is over you have every right to tell it to her and walk away and look for an other therapist. If you believe that this relationship is and can be helpful for you in the future and you would like to continue it would probably worth to try to address this issue as soon as you feel ready for it.
Of course, there is no pressure on you, just take your time now and remember, your feelings are always valid and you do have the right to feel the way you do. Also, you are not alone in this and together we can get through this. I do believe in it and I do believe in you anyways! :)
Oh...actually Cinderella sounds pretty exciting. I do totally get you of not wanting to leave your house tho but I thi as well that it is important to get out of the house and just not isolate yourself from the world like that. :)
Yay! I am definitely really, really proud of you as well. I know that the feeling of being abandoned like that can be a very strong one and a very hard one to process and I think it is just soo awesome of you that in spite of debating it you have been able to say not to the urges. I mean, I think it definitely shows how much you have grown and how amazingly strong you are and I do definitely admire you for that, you are doing such an amazing job. ^-^
Stay strong and awesome!
@redmark
Thanks for writing me back...yeah, I do not even know if I am going back to her - I did one time since I wrote this and it was helpful yet awful. I could see in her body language and tones and what she said - that she is not the same person around me at all....I am just worried because I do not know of anyone else that I can see that will be helpful for that price ( she gave me a HUGE discount). And it is reiki therapy - like, a therapy aided with reiki. This helped so much and therapy never worked for me before. And I do not knwo anyone else that even offers this type of combinded therapy.But, at the same time, i guess it is not really going to work if i can't trust her and he is not giving me her best, ya know. I do not see her this week, i am skipping a week - so i guess i have some time to figure out what to do. I have a deep feeliing that I am going to have to call her on what she is doing and saying - and it is going to end up me not seeing her...and then I am alone again with no help....I cant even HANDLE that thought right now.
I am having a HORRIBLE night/early morning. I am sorry to vent like this, but omg - I am so upset. I have been up since 3 am , so misreable and that deep deep misery will not even let me sleep. I literally sat at the kitchen table for 2 hours listening to really triggering depression music , crying and staring off into space. ( Badflower - Ghost, do you know the song?) ...and I know better than to keep reingaging my emotions and making them worse...I just am having such a hard time snapping out of this.
I have no job, no real friends that live near enough to me to hang out and the ones that do - I just isolate and hide from. My family life is awful. I have nothing to show for my life - my existance. I have made no impact on life at all. And I hate myself . I am in my bedroom at the moment, looking at this collage of posters and art and crap on my walls that are this artistc portrayal of my life...and I want to rip it all up, like RIP it all off the walls and shred it. Because staring at ugly faded bare walls is so much better than staring at opportunity lost or potential that I no longer have.
And ahhhhh, I am so triggered to SH. I was listening to that song ( still am) and pondering the pointlessness of my existance. And I just started to think about SH and how I know it would make me feel better - not solve anything, but make me feel better. And I started to think that it is a great idea because nothing is going to solve the problem that is me and my life - so a temporary reduction of pain would be nice. And I just coudln't do it - but the thoughts won't go away. I picked up the siccors at the table
...oh, TRIGGER WARNING ( but happy ending*
....picked them up and just kinda checked out how sharp they are and how deep they could cut....stupid thoughts like that...Then grazed my skin - not even enough to bleed - just enough to leave a faint pink line behind it - not SH....and I realized, wow, so much better if I just really went for it....and tried to find the artery in my thigh ( this is not suicidal by the way, even though i know it sounds it) and just pressed it right into that part harder and harder until I was like, wtf - STOP. Threw the damn siccors back into the cup and walked upstairs to vent it out instead of doing stupid things like that.
So yay for me I did not SH.
And yay for me I am misreable without any hope in sight.
@blissedNblessed Hey, sorry for my slow response, work days are usually pretty busy for me >.<
I can see that this is a really hard spot for you to be at. I have to admit I do not know much about reiki but if you have found it helpful it is certainly something you should continue to go for or maybe look for some ways and exercises you can do at home. Of course, it will not replace professional therapy but, as long as you are not feeling comfortable around her and she is not feeling comfortable around you it may not be helpful either. I mean, I feel like this is a problem still that you may try to address with her. Maybe writing it could be better to stay more "level headed" and not get carried away as it can happen when you are talking and all the feelings and thoughts hit you right then and there and it is possible that we may say things we do not really mean when we are like that.
As I have said tho, it is still really up to you if you plan to resolve this. It is just an idea and something I have found useful to try to prepare for comfrontation. I mean, having a "script" with you which can also double as a letter worked for me actually sometimes. :)
Well, to the end of this reply I will not the song, I have just started to listen ot it...
Anyway, I am sorry to hear that you are feeling like that. I have found that nights can be the hardest for me as well with a mix of anxiety - always reminding me to the most awkward things and making me feel unsure about everything - with just the darkness of depression really getting a hold on me when I cannot really distract myself in the bed. I do not really know the remedy to it but, well, this is one of the reasons I do have teddy bears. They are amazing listeners - I mean, they have really cute ears as well just in general - and they are perfect to hug and kind of keep me company during those hours when I just really feel like these things are really getting overwhelming.
I mean, may sound pathetic, but hey, venting for my teddy bear(s) right then and there when all those feelings and thoughts hit me helps me and they allow me to kind of project that otherwise really quite positive voice in my on them and let it be heard as well - as stupid as it may sound.
You know depression can get a better hold of me if you are alone so it is trying to isolate you. Makes you believe that you do not deserve to have friends, that you are not enough, taht they are just tolerating you, but, well, how can you be sure about that? I mean, I have made assumptions like this as well but I have found that I can ask them. Of course, your depresseion will make you feel like that they are just liein to you out of some sort of pity/courtesy when they say otherwise but, trust me, people do care. It was a surprise for me as well but they do. I mean, that is what I am trying to do as well, try to remind people that they are important and they matter and I do care about you. I know you have been through a lot and I want you to know that I am really proud of you for making this far and, it is rally important to know, reaching out for help to friends or family is not a sign of weakness. I mean, if it would be it would be much easier, don't you think? - It is a sign of strength, something that you are showing here and I believe in that you can do it in real life as well! :)
I mean, that song has pretty explicit mentions of SH so I guess it could be something that may not be the best to listen to buuut then again I usuall pick songs as well that are matchin my mood so I can understand why you are listening to it. On the other hand, I feel like that song has a message as well from the will of the "protagonist" of the song that has kept him alive, the strength that has helped them through all that and I know that it is inside you as well and I want you to know that we are all here for you to help you get through this - even if it may take some time to reply on workdays, of which I am still sorry :(
I mean, in the end, I feel like that strength really showed in the way that you have been able to resist those urges right then and there when they were so strong. :)
I mean, I can see it is really hard for you right now tho, so even if you do relapse, I want you to know that it is okay, I would not be any less proud of you for being the amazing person you are but I do believe in you. I do believe in that you can resist those urges and say not o them in the future as well! - Probably getting rid of the tools of SH would be useful as well, at least from your direct environment, like that scissor you have mentioned.
Either way, I am really glad and proud to hear that you have been able to resist those urges :)
I wish I would know the answers tho, a reason to live. I mean, for me it is I guess just for others. To not hurt them by doing anything stupid and also maybe help people if I can in the process. In a way, that is what motivates me to go on and even better myself day by day. I mean, it may be stupid but I feel like the reason to leave is not withing ourselves but within the people around us. Or, well, that is just how I see it.
Either way, I want you to know that I am here, even if it may take some time to answer, feel free to reach out to me or anyone else here anytime, you do not have to do this alone! :)
@redmark
Thank you so much for writing me back. It ( always) means a lot.
I know what you are saying about the teddy bears :) I have gobs of stuffed animals ...and an adorable perfect size for cuddeling stuffed skunk that I talk to and cry to and just holding him makes me feel better.
I have stopped listening to that song on repeate. It is one thing to match my mood with a song - but another to listen to a song so much that it just feeds my pain and makes it worse.
Ahh, that night I wrote about the siccors and urges to SH ( and worse) was one of my lowest moments...followed by another ( 1-2 , i dont even know how many days have passed - i feel like i am in this limbo state of existance)...of even lower moments.
Today I sort of have some pause moment and some introspection...i dont know what is wrong with me and why depression is kicking my butt so hard...but it feels just a tiny bit less ( tiny).
I never did go out and get the tools for SH - and i didnt go back to the siccors. To be honest - i feel like a total failure and fake because i am no one's inspiration and i faultered and fell on my face, SH wise. I did burn my self with a hot lighter a few times - but - managed to get grip and stop mid way through and out it away and chose something else that was not self harm - bc I do not chose SH for my life anymore.
So i hate that I have to say , day 2 SH free. So, hahahha, I am just not going to count. Besides, counting makes me feel like I am sitting around waiting to fail.
I just dont understand because i was doing so so so good and out of the blue this horrible depression got me so bad and just took me over . I did talk to a few friends about it - which helped a bit...but i live with an aunt who doesnt understand and when i cry she just yells at me to stop crying bc that will not solve anything or tells me to grow up...
But here i still am, fighting the good fight, trying to not give as much creedence to the lies depression roars at me. and hoping that that exstiguisging of light will not be forever.
why cant i just be on this healing journey , be healed and live a great life from there on foreward? ugh.
Hey, I'm new here so I hope it's okay for me to be posting here? I just need to vent.
I've been pretty bad today, and lately. I was clean from SH for a year, and a few days ago, I relapsed and it's been downhill since. I just feel like I'm a horrible person and failure and it's weighing on my mind so much. I have nobody to talk to about any of this and most of my nights end with me sobbing myself to sleep. I just hate it so much and I'm really scared since my relapse, I remember how low I got before my 'clean' phase, and I don't want to end up like that again but I don't know how to stop.
Hey there @anonyCat6926 *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
Welcome here! We are really glad to have you here with us!
Of course it is okay to post here and vent, that is why these threads are here and I am glad to see you around here :)
Relapses are always hard and I am sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time. I do not think you are a terrible person or a failure tho, not at all. First of all, I am really proud of you for being so strong and making one year without SH, that is really awesome and I do really admire your bravery as I know it had to be scary to come here and post this here but you have done it!
Relapses are usually part of the recovery process as well and nothing to be ashamed of. I am curious was there something triggering it or something that happened to push you to SH again? I mean, recognizing triggers can be very helpful to avoid them in the future or be able to recognize and react to them in a different way in the future,
For example, for me I have found that I always just bottle up all the emotions and not processing them and they always just ended up exploding and journaling helped me with that. Also, there are some apps like >this one< that may help you with SH as well as, I do not know if you are familiar with >The Butterfly Project<.
Also, I know it may not feel like it but there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help. In fact, it takes a lot of strength and courage to do so and if anything it just shows how strong you are and, as I have learned, there are people out there who care and you do deserve to be cared for :)
Either way, I want you to know that we are here for you no matter what. Together we can get through this or I do believe in it anyway and I do believe in you!
I hope to get to know you better and here from you in the future but of course there is absolutely no pressure on you :)
Stay strong and awesome!
Im new to here so I dont know what is appropriate to say but everyone keeps giving me alternatives to SH and the truth is I dont want to stop. I enjoy it and the feeling it gives me. Is that weird to feel that way? Do most people want to stop and just cant? I havent SH ed in about 3 months so its not a constant thing. I just wanted to ask someone else who deals with the issue to see if Im really strange or demented. I feel disgusting for feeling this way and my therapist wont talk about the issue except to keep bringing up more alternatives. Am I weird?
Hey there @marjorieann1991 *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
Welcome here! We are really glad to have you here with us!
Well, there are many reasons while one can self-harm and it can be a way to release a lot of built up emotions, to feel in control or to just feel something at all. I mean, check out >this post< by the amazing @rebecca947 about Why one may self-harm.
With that said, it is an alterative and an unhealthy one of those but it doesn't necessarily makes you a bad person for SHing. I mean, I think as long as it is not causing you problems in life and you are in control that is and from what you have said it is like that for you.
Of course, I would still suggest to try to find and practice better and more healthy alternative coping strategies as injuring yourself can always be dangerous and really a slippery slope - or, well, it was for me.
Is there a reason and/or a trigger you and up self-harming when you do? Is there maybe something you can try to avoid it? - of course, there is no pressure on you, but if you ever feel like it we are always here for you to support or to just listen. I do look foreard to get to know you a bit better anyway :)
Stay awesome!
@redmark
I totally forgot I wrote that and wow Im amazed at myself xD
@rebecca947. Good article. I think I fit the category of trying to express my emotions to others. I want people to know how bad I feel and dont know how else to tell them. Its my way of getting attention which sounds really childlike.
@marjorieann1991
Thank you ❤️ No, it