Self-Harm Recovery Daily Check In: Friday, January 11th, 2019
Happy FriYAY every amazing one! 
How are you feeling today? :)
Do you have any plans for the weekend? Maybe just relaxing a bit and recharging? :)
Share something you are proud of about yourself and/or something you have achieved lately! :)
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@redmark
1. How are you feeling today? :)
I'm feeling kind of meh, not so happy compared to the first few days of the New Year, but it's okay. Still better compared to the bad days I had last year.
2. Do you have any plans for the weekend? Maybe just relaxing a bit and recharging? :)
My family and I are having my birthday celebration tomorrow. <3
3. Share something you are proud of about yourself and/or something you have achieved lately! :)
I'm proud of bouncing back from a sad day the other day and I am so proud of being patient with myself with regards to fluctuating depressive emotions. Yay me!
@BunnieLuv just wanted to say hey
@mytwistedsoul hi, lovelie 💖
Hey there @BunnieLuv *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
It is always so nice to hear from you around here!
Oh...meh is...well, it is meh. I am sorry to hear that you do not feel as happy as you were feeling earlier but I think some of this down time is part of life as well. I am glad to hear that it is not too bad this time tho. I hope you will feel happy again soon either way! ^-^
Birthday? Sounds exciting! Who will you be celebrating? I mean, either way happy birthday to whoever it may be! :)
I think it is such an important thing to be able to see the amazing work you have done for that "bounce back" and I am proud of you for it as well. I mean, I do believe in that our failures and downfalls do not determine us but the way we have react to them and you are doing an absolutely amazing job at it for sure. :)
Stay awesome!
@redmark Hi red, thank you for all your kind words--it's my birthday we're going to celebrate! 💖
@BunnieLuv Oh, Happy Birthday to you, I hope you will have an amazing day!
@redmark
How are you feeling today? :)
well, could be better but could be worse. I was very sick the past 3 days and couldnt leave my bed, missed an french exam and am still not feeling good.
Do you have any plans for the weekend? Maybe just relaxing a bit and recharging? :)
my plans are unfortunately...studying,studying,studying as i couldnt it the past 3 days. i have a physics exam and chemistry exam next week where i need to archive a good grade.
Share something you are proud of about yourself and/or something you have achieved lately! :)
i d say taking care of my health & body when needed. instead of stressing myself about not being able to go to school, i relaxed and let my body get some energy.
and that picture is so cute and uplifting!!
Hey there @dynamicHemlock1736 *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
We are really glad to have you here with us!
Also, I am really happy that you have liked the picture, I love to share these kinds of things with people and it is so awesome to see it has helped someone, so, thank you! yay! :)
Aww, I am sorry to hear that you have been sick like that, it sounds really hard and frustrating but hopefully now you will be back to 100% soon and you will be able to catch up with everything soon as well. :)
That's a lot of exams! 
I mean, I know it can feel really overwhelming but please make sure that you take the time to take care of yourself and I do know you are and you will be trying your very best so do not be too hard on yourself.
I think that is a really important thing that you are able to prioritize self-care like that. I mean, it is often overlooked but, as I have found, in the long run it can really be helpful to have a good shedule of self-care and work/sutdying so you do not just burn out. I mean, I am really happy to hear that you do have that balance and I am really proud of you for putting all this hard work into it. :)
Stay awesome!
@redmark Hello! How are you today?
I'm drained. Had an anger issue yesterday and I have a tendency to feed on it.
They are calling for snow this weekend, so I'm kind of looking forward to that. Snow means no one can get to me.
Today is day 8 no sh, even though I blew a fuse yesterday I didn't take it out on myself.. I chopped wood instead. I'm not going to get cocky though because how's that saying...pride goeth before a fall. something like that.
Hey there @mytwistedsoul *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
It is so nice to see you around here!
I...uhm...well...I kind of messed up my sleep schedule this week so I am just really tired but otherwise not to bad I think. Thank you for asking! :)
Ow, anger can be hard to control. I think I can really get carried away with it sometimes too but I think it is important that you recognize it and probably looking back at it now from a distant perspective maybe helpful to see how you coult probably manage or recognize it earlier in the future. I mean, it certainly takes time but I believe it is possible to manage anger in a much more healthy way. :)
We have quite a lot of snow here as well. Well, relatively I guess, compared to what we usually have but I can imagine that there will be a lot more for you but I do like to idea to use that time to just relax and recharge a bit :)
I mean, we all have our mistakes so I think a little bit of worrying and doubt can be healthy but that doesn't mean we cannot be a little bit proud of ourselves as well. I mena, I am certainly proud of you for being free from SH for 8 days not and being so strong yesterday and resist the urges and find an other outlet to that anger. You are doing a really good job! :)
Also, if it will ever come, relapse is just part of recovery, so do not worry about that either and no matter what, I want you to know that you are welcome here. I mean, you know, what the comic says, that's why it is there, because I do stand 110% behind it! :P
Stay awesome!
@redmark Thanks! I um don't like to be touched, I always feel bad about that. So I am sorry and I apologize if I'm being a pain. How do you deal with a rage that comes out of now where? A heart pounding, head thumping, rip someone head off rage. I felt great like an hour before, I finished something I had been working on and it was beautiful. An hour later I wanted to smash it. It just came out of now where. Sorry for being a pest and this maybe wasn't the place to post that. So, um, I'll be quiet now
@mytwistedsoul You know back like one and a half a year ago, when I was still in the chatrooms I was not asking for consent for the hugs but just throwing them at everyone but then I have had someone explaining to me why they were not okay with it and how it can be really anxiety and stress inducing for some and how just ambivalent for some people and, after bringing it some thought, I can totally understand it. I mean, long story short, this is why I put that little "if you are okay with it" part at the end, because it is really up to you if you accept it or not and there is definitely nothing wrong rejecting it. In fact, I will try to keep in mind and not offer hugs to you from now. :) - of course you are still always free to ask for a hug if you ever change your mind but you have every right to not liking them and you are definitely not a pain because of it, in fact, thank you for sharing it with me! ^-^
Are you sure there was nothing in that hour that may have triggered that rage? I mean, triggers for big things like that can sometimes be surprisingly small and subtle. Or, well, for me there are some small things at least that I have learned to try my best to avoid. Of course, it is okay if you do not know but that is why it would be worth to try to follow your steps back from before that episode of rage.
Also, if you are not able to make progress and work out the reasons and triggers it would be probably worth to try and contact some professional about it. I mean, I know it is scary tho, so no pressure with that but if you ever feel up to it you definitely deserve the best help you can get. :)
Also also: you are not a pest. I am not one to talk, because I do a lot of negative self-talk as well, but you know you have a lot of power. What I am trying to do is that in the morning I make a conscious effort to compliment myself in the mirror. Even if it is a lie, I try to start my day with something positive about myself and it is surprisingly working. Somehow those small compliments start to slowly get into my otherwise rather dark headspace. I mean, I know it sounds stupid and it will not totally change your life but it may be helpful for you as well. That is kind of the point of this third "question" as well of today, of trying to make you challenge yourself and find something positive about yourself - because there are positives about you. :)
Lastly, I would like to thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts with us and with me, I know it has to be hard and scary for you and I want you to know that you are doing a good job and I am really proud of you and always glad to hear from you. No pressure of course, but I hope to get to know you a bit better later on still
@redmark I really want to thank you for taking the time to talk with me. I know you probably have better things to do with your time. Idk know but I always feel a little as I'm intruding on people's day. And things don't always come out the way it sounds in my head. I try to watch what I say and I do really feel bad that I said anything about the hug. I honestly wasn't sure what to. I shouldn't have said anything.
The looking for help is actually what lead me here. I know I need to do something, because I know that this isn't going to go away. it's actually gotten worse. I don't leave my property if I don't have to. So much so, I had a discuss with myself today about the benefits of owning a cow, lol! I have people issues. They make comments and ask questions.
I was shying away alittle about thinking what triggered it, but I think I know why it happened. I do woodwork,carvings,furniture, just stupid stuff. 8 day ago I had just started a cedar chest. My mother, I call her The Red Queen, she invaded. We do not have a good relationship. She saw what I was doing and made the usual comments about wasting my time on this stupid stuff and she expected better. When I finished the chest and looked at it, I felt good, a moment of pride. Then I heard her in my head, how it was such a waste of time and I guess I snapped. Anyway I apologize for writting you a book. Thank you for listening to this.
I hope you get to catch up on some sleep. It's hard fighting the good fight when you're tired! Take care of yourself, have a wonderful weekend. Thank you again
@mytwistedsoul I get that feeling often as well that I am just a burden and bothering people. I guess it is depression or anxiety or one of those things trying to believe you so. I mean, isolating you is good for them but I think you are doing a really good job reaching out here. Also, I am sorry if my post was a bit confusing above, all I wanted to say is that I understand and it is totally okay if you are not okay with hugs, there is absolutely nothing to be sorry about there :)
I think it is a really good first step to come here. I mean, at least I found it I am okay-ish with communicating with people in writing like this but I am really a disaster when it comes to talking. I do hope you will find this place helpful for yourself. If there is anything we may be able to help you we are always here for you :)
Also....is it worth to own a cow? :P
It can be certainly hard when someone is invalidating all your effort like that and it can really take the joy out of it for sure. I am sorry to hear that your mother is like that. I mean, there is a saying, which I like, "the time you have enjoyed wasting is not wasted" and I can tell you that you have enjoyed working on that chest. Also, chests are useful stuff! :)
Also, I always hated these kinds of people for some reason. Even if you make mistakes that is the way to learn new things and better yourself. This is just like discouraging you from improving yourself and your skills which, I guess, tells more about your mother than you, if you ask me anyways. I am proud of you for trying something new and being persistent with is and I am sure that chest has looked awesome :)
Also...don't worry about long posts, you cannot outramble me anyways, no matter how hard you will try :P
Yep, I have been able to sleep some. I mean, I still feel like I could sleep for like a day or two still but I have some stuff to take care off so it will have to suffice :P
Thank you for caring about me! ^-^
I hope you will have a wonderful weekend as well!
@redmark Not very good. I have had 4 mental breakdowns within a month after telling my parents I was bi and being a femboy. They say they love me but wont support me. I have to rely on the people to keep myself in check. I've had to hide my pain behind a faux face. I feel empty, unenthusiastic about life, about the things I used to do normally never bring me joy. I try to make myself happy but I always feel down and bored. I feel like I'm losing myself. I usually joke myself 3-4 times a week before going to bed or just during the day in my room to ease the pain. The pain of existing.. I am trying to push foward towards finding a counselor or a therapist to help me. At least that would be better than death right? But anyways, I'm not feeling too good about myself, and I feel like I'm slowly deteriorating my relationship with my family, I feel like my mom doesnt see me the same son she once had. I need help, I'm looking for help. I hope I can find the help I need.
Hey therte @Jane27 *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
It is always really nice to have you here with us!
Aww, I am sorry to hear that your family is not supporting of who you really are. I mean, it can be really hard, I know, and I never understood it really as it is not like you have just changed your mind right then and there it just who you always were and who they loved, labels do not chnage the person you are.
Either way tho, I am really glad to have you here right now. It sure sounds like you are going through a tough time and maybe depression is getting a grasp on you but I want you to know that I am really proud of you for still fighting and reaching out for help and trying to find a therapist. Although I am not a professional by any means but I want you to know that you are always welcome here, just the way you are, and I would be always glad to listen to whatever is on your mind or just have you around here with us. :)
I mean, you are not alone in this and we do care about you no matter what, you and your feelings are always valid and important.
I mean, is there anything on your mind you would like to share or maybe talk about here? :) - I mean, I cannot PM you as I do not have a listener accoung but I would be more than happy to get to know you better and listen to whatever may be on your mind. Also, I have an endless supply of virtual hugs as well if you ever feel like you need one! ^-^
Stay strong and awesome!
Giggles, I love that: Happy FriYAY!
Thanks for the smile today :)
How are you feeling today? :)
Eh, I feel like I am on a surf board riding out waves of being numb and being abandoned and angry. My therapist/reiki healer always says, oh, you are free to yell in here, express anger, ect...and the one time I do , safley and not causeing harm to anything or person or myself, can't handle it and took it personally. I feel numb - maybe because im trying to be numb because that is just easier. I am feeling abandoned because she asked ( and put it on me) if I wanted to start coming once a month or just when needed or every two weeks or something - OUT OF THE BLUE! You dont go from every week to suggusting that! So I ask her - and she says some half a$$ lie. So, I freaking text her later that day, saying I have a strong feeling that it is becuase of something else and if she does not feel comfy working with me anymore, please let me know - she blames it on saying she thought I needed space from her because I was still mad at her ( the reason I expressed anger in the first place was because she was belitteling me and non stop agressivly telling me everything i was doing wrong - seriously. Anyways - anger now is kinda coming out - as in I am feeling it. Because the way she handeled this was not okay for a therapist nor a reiki healer ...i am a reiki healer and would NEVER do that, as a person, I would never do that. I am perfectly capable tof talking it out with her...I guess in some areas, I am more healthy than she is. But it is sad bc I really want to keep her ...but maybe not if we cant get back to open communication.
Do you have any plans for the weekend? Maybe just relaxing a bit and recharging? :)
Yes I do! I am going to see a production of Cinderella downtown tonight. Not really looking forward to it that much though but I think it is important for me to get out of the house and out of my comfy zone and out of my head.
Share something you are proud of about yourself and/or something you have achieved lately! :)
I , when I was feeling really abandoned by her...had this moment of thinking how " great" it would feel to release the feelings..and it poped into my head that SH would do the trick. I sat there, for a while, debating - where would I get the tools for it - I threw mine out a long time ago, what would it really accomplish, what would it feel like, how would I hide it, how would I feel after releapsing....and I am Very Proud to say: I DID NOT SH! So, that, that is what I am proud of achieving .
Hey there @blissedNblessed *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
It is always really nice to hear from you around here!
I am really glad to hear that you have liked the post and it had made you smile. yay! ^-^
Oww....the surf-board of - mostly negative - emotions doesn't sound like the best place to be on for sure, I am sorry to hear that you have to ride those waves out right now.
I think it is important as well to express your feelings, even the ones like your anger, and therapy sure sounds like the right place to do that, of course with the consent of the therapist. I am sorry to hear that she has had such an innapropriate reaction to it tho. I mean, I still kind of hold on to that notion that in any sort of relationship it requires two - or however many people are in it - people to make it work. Of course, it is a bit different dynamic in such a relationship where you pay for it but still, at the end of the day you and the professional are still people.
I mean, to be exactly honest here, therapy never worked with me. I have never been able to emotionally "functionate" in a formal environment like that so I may not be the best judge of it but I am just wondering if there is maybe a way to write/tell this to her as well. I mean, I found that writing things down helps me to keep things more composed and do not really let myself to get driven by anger or what-not.
Well, consideing you would like to still work with your therapist and reiki healer in the future of course. An other mistake I have made with therapy was that I have not been able to walk away when I have felt like it is not helping me at all but rather causing extra anxiety taking basically almost a year away from my life ending up feeling worse even compared to when I started - I mean, money was never an issue for me, but I guess I have spent quite an amount of that as well there.
Uhm, I mean, I guess it just boils down to what you want right now out of this? You have every right to be mad at her for her behavior and if you feel like she has crossed the line for you and it is over you have every right to tell it to her and walk away and look for an other therapist. If you believe that this relationship is and can be helpful for you in the future and you would like to continue it would probably worth to try to address this issue as soon as you feel ready for it.
Of course, there is no pressure on you, just take your time now and remember, your feelings are always valid and you do have the right to feel the way you do. Also, you are not alone in this and together we can get through this. I do believe in it and I do believe in you anyways! :)
Oh...actually Cinderella sounds pretty exciting. I do totally get you of not wanting to leave your house tho but I thi as well that it is important to get out of the house and just not isolate yourself from the world like that. :)
Yay! I am definitely really, really proud of you as well. I know that the feeling of being abandoned like that can be a very strong one and a very hard one to process and I think it is just soo awesome of you that in spite of debating it you have been able to say not to the urges. I mean, I think it definitely shows how much you have grown and how amazingly strong you are and I do definitely admire you for that, you are doing such an amazing job. ^-^
Stay strong and awesome!
@redmark
Thanks for writing me back...yeah, I do not even know if I am going back to her - I did one time since I wrote this and it was helpful yet awful. I could see in her body language and tones and what she said - that she is not the same person around me at all....I am just worried because I do not know of anyone else that I can see that will be helpful for that price ( she gave me a HUGE discount). And it is reiki therapy - like, a therapy aided with reiki. This helped so much and therapy never worked for me before. And I do not knwo anyone else that even offers this type of combinded therapy.But, at the same time, i guess it is not really going to work if i can't trust her and he is not giving me her best, ya know. I do not see her this week, i am skipping a week - so i guess i have some time to figure out what to do. I have a deep feeliing that I am going to have to call her on what she is doing and saying - and it is going to end up me not seeing her...and then I am alone again with no help....I cant even HANDLE that thought right now.
I am having a HORRIBLE night/early morning. I am sorry to vent like this, but omg - I am so upset. I have been up since 3 am , so misreable and that deep deep misery will not even let me sleep. I literally sat at the kitchen table for 2 hours listening to really triggering depression music , crying and staring off into space. ( Badflower - Ghost, do you know the song?) ...and I know better than to keep reingaging my emotions and making them worse...I just am having such a hard time snapping out of this.
I have no job, no real friends that live near enough to me to hang out and the ones that do - I just isolate and hide from. My family life is awful. I have nothing to show for my life - my existance. I have made no impact on life at all. And I hate myself . I am in my bedroom at the moment, looking at this collage of posters and art and crap on my walls that are this artistc portrayal of my life...and I want to rip it all up, like RIP it all off the walls and shred it. Because staring at ugly faded bare walls is so much better than staring at opportunity lost or potential that I no longer have.
And ahhhhh, I am so triggered to SH. I was listening to that song ( still am) and pondering the pointlessness of my existance. And I just started to think about SH and how I know it would make me feel better - not solve anything, but make me feel better. And I started to think that it is a great idea because nothing is going to solve the problem that is me and my life - so a temporary reduction of pain would be nice. And I just coudln't do it - but the thoughts won't go away. I picked up the siccors at the table
...oh, TRIGGER WARNING ( but happy ending*
....picked them up and just kinda checked out how sharp they are and how deep they could cut....stupid thoughts like that...Then grazed my skin - not even enough to bleed - just enough to leave a faint pink line behind it - not SH....and I realized, wow, so much better if I just really went for it....and tried to find the artery in my thigh ( this is not suicidal by the way, even though i know it sounds it) and just pressed it right into that part harder and harder until I was like, wtf - STOP. Threw the damn siccors back into the cup and walked upstairs to vent it out instead of doing stupid things like that.
So yay for me I did not SH.
And yay for me I am misreable without any hope in sight.
Hey, I'm new here so I hope it's okay for me to be posting here? I just need to vent.
I've been pretty bad today, and lately. I was clean from SH for a year, and a few days ago, I relapsed and it's been downhill since. I just feel like I'm a horrible person and failure and it's weighing on my mind so much. I have nobody to talk to about any of this and most of my nights end with me sobbing myself to sleep. I just hate it so much and I'm really scared since my relapse, I remember how low I got before my 'clean' phase, and I don't want to end up like that again but I don't know how to stop.
Hey there @anonyCat6926 *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
Welcome here! We are really glad to have you here with us!
Of course it is okay to post here and vent, that is why these threads are here and I am glad to see you around here :)
Relapses are always hard and I am sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time. I do not think you are a terrible person or a failure tho, not at all. First of all, I am really proud of you for being so strong and making one year without SH, that is really awesome and I do really admire your bravery as I know it had to be scary to come here and post this here but you have done it!
Relapses are usually part of the recovery process as well and nothing to be ashamed of. I am curious was there something triggering it or something that happened to push you to SH again? I mean, recognizing triggers can be very helpful to avoid them in the future or be able to recognize and react to them in a different way in the future,
For example, for me I have found that I always just bottle up all the emotions and not processing them and they always just ended up exploding and journaling helped me with that. Also, there are some apps like >this one< that may help you with SH as well as, I do not know if you are familiar with >The Butterfly Project<.
Also, I know it may not feel like it but there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help. In fact, it takes a lot of strength and courage to do so and if anything it just shows how strong you are and, as I have learned, there are people out there who care and you do deserve to be cared for :)
Either way, I want you to know that we are here for you no matter what. Together we can get through this or I do believe in it anyway and I do believe in you!
I hope to get to know you better and here from you in the future but of course there is absolutely no pressure on you :)
Stay strong and awesome!
Im new to here so I dont know what is appropriate to say but everyone keeps giving me alternatives to SH and the truth is I dont want to stop. I enjoy it and the feeling it gives me. Is that weird to feel that way? Do most people want to stop and just cant? I havent SH ed in about 3 months so its not a constant thing. I just wanted to ask someone else who deals with the issue to see if Im really strange or demented. I feel disgusting for feeling this way and my therapist wont talk about the issue except to keep bringing up more alternatives. Am I weird?
Hey there @marjorieann1991 *hugs* (if you are okay with it)
Welcome here! We are really glad to have you here with us!
Well, there are many reasons while one can self-harm and it can be a way to release a lot of built up emotions, to feel in control or to just feel something at all. I mean, check out >this post< by the amazing @rebecca947 about Why one may self-harm.
With that said, it is an alterative and an unhealthy one of those but it doesn't necessarily makes you a bad person for SHing. I mean, I think as long as it is not causing you problems in life and you are in control that is and from what you have said it is like that for you.
Of course, I would still suggest to try to find and practice better and more healthy alternative coping strategies as injuring yourself can always be dangerous and really a slippery slope - or, well, it was for me.
Is there a reason and/or a trigger you and up self-harming when you do? Is there maybe something you can try to avoid it? - of course, there is no pressure on you, but if you ever feel like it we are always here for you to support or to just listen. I do look foreard to get to know you a bit better anyway :)
Stay awesome!
@redmark
I totally forgot I wrote that and wow Im amazed at myself xD
@rebecca947. Good article. I think I fit the category of trying to express my emotions to others. I want people to know how bad I feel and dont know how else to tell them. Its my way of getting attention which sounds really childlike.
@marjorieann1991
Thank you ❤️ No, it