10 years s/h free.. gone..

When I was in my teens, I self-harmed as a way to find control in my life. I understand now that I was struggling with undiagnosed OCD and my self-harm was likely a compulsion I was engaging in to comfort myself. In the 10 years since then, I had a few minor relapses that were no more than one instance, so I never counted them against myself. 

And then last week, I felt truly suicidal for the first time in years. Mentally, I felt empty, alone, and so incredibly out of control. I didn’t know what to do and so I reverted to the comfort of my youth, and I started self-harming again. It didn’t last for much longer than a week before I spoke to my therapist and I stopped. 

I didn’t want to continue self-harming, but I didn’t… feel any better or in control after I had done it. I just felt more empty and lost. I guess I’m more so disappointed that I lost ten years and it didn’t even provide me with comfort or a release.