How do I overcome the obsessive thoughts about it?

It happened only a few times so far. In the beginning, I was so ashamed and covering my arms and I shared it back then only to my therapist and a friend figured it out. I was so “dissociated” from my behavior that I didn’t realize back then the depth of my pain.

Later on, I felt the urge to share it with my partner and this is when the pain hit. I realize how much I was suffering back then and I tried really hard to commit to my recovery. I explored the reasons behind it and for some period of time, I started to feel less embarrassed about my scars.

Now due to prolonged life stressors, it started as an obsessive thought and it happened again. I didn’t feel shame or guilt this time, but I felt very alone in this because I decided that it is too heavy to share it with someone. Even with my closest friends.

So I decided to reach out to my therapist in our summer break because I really need to discuss the depth of my pain with someone. I felt terrible to reach out to my therapist in the middle her vacation with a “crisis”. But I don’t share it with anyone else because I feel a burden and that my behavior is too much.

Every night I feel somehow obsessed to repeat my behavior but I really try to keep it together. But it’s so hard. I want to discuss it but I am afraid of people feeling responsible for “making me stop”. I know that they will try to be more supportive but I can’t deal with the stereotype that this is an attention seeking behavior.

I want to talk again with my therapist but I feel but to reach out again, although she is very open to it. I feel very alone with it… I know that people around me can get it, but I don’t wanna hurt them.

In the past, I was in severe crisis with other issues and I felt that this put a lot of weight on my relationships. I don’t want to repeat it. And it’s painful…