I'm not sure if it's self-hate.

I only feel proud of myself whenever i succeed. But it's very short pride. I feel smart and cool for a little while. I love spotlight. But when i get SLIGHTEST criticism or even a mild joke about how i should feel ashamed i immedatly think that i won't success in anything at all and how much of a failure i am. It leads me to cutting myself. I have my hips covered in scars. I feel anxious about smallest mistakes and i cannot forget my mistakes that were already solved long time ago. I don't feel satisfction anymore. If i won't achieve wgat i want or get a grade i want i WILL punish myself. If i can't cut i slap or scold myself. I even added bathsalt on my wound to feel extra sated. Because light physical pain is way less troubling than lashing out or crying in public. Or worse venting in real life. Atleast i won't feel guilt or shame, because i hate arguing with my friends or family. I usually apologize first. I am very aware that people will judge me or jump into wrong conclusions, so i prefer hurting my skin and feel atleast a tiny bit less stressed.