Maybe I want to stay stuck (help)
I need advice. I relapsed again last night. Just like I can't seem to go 48 hours without drinking, I can't seem to get through a week without SH. I've got a therapist, meds, coping techniques and yet nothing changes. At this point I've got to ask myself: Do I want to stay stuck? Do I get pleasure from being 'hopelessly broken'? Maybe I've integrated self-destruction so throughly into my life that now I can't seperate it from my identity. The anorexia never went away either. Maybe I like being broken because I think it makes me 'special' and #deep. Maybe I think I need to be insane and in pain to be an artist. Maybe I think this makes me more 'real' than other people. Maybe I desperately want people to pay attention and help me and love me. I keep myself in the same cycle of self-abuse to confirm my depressive thoughts: that I've failed my younger self, that I'm corrupted beyond repair, that I can never be happy again. If my rules for the world remain correct and unbroken, that's at least one thing I have control over.
So:
1. How do I stop self-destructing when I've integrated it into my identity?
2. How do I change my obsession with grief and pain?
3. How do I stop fantasizing that self-destruction is attractive or will help me get the love and attention I crave?
@determinedSea4370
It can be good news you recognize this possibility. Your post shows you are ready to change. you see your life is not progressing in this pattern.
I find most who really struggle to overcome whatever their issues are getting something from that place they feel stuck in. Attention sympathy etc. Real change is hard and when we are on the verge of taking a step towards the unknown we often look to keep being somewhere that we find comfortable. You know the outcome of this behavior.
why keep doing the same and expecting a different result ?
@toughTiger6481
Thank you for the fast reply. I definitely am getting a sense of distorted hope, control, and validation from all my self-destruction. What I really need is to improve and expand my currently almost non-existent support system, distance myself from triggering people and environments, and work on expressing myself through healthier means. It's just funny that I know what I need, but that doesn't make it any easier lol.