Poem: Just A Kid...

TW: explicit mentions of sh, su!c!de, @buse. Not like many people are going to read this anyway. What's the point anymore.

9:00 pm

I logged into the zoom meeting

Counseling session number 4

Talking about relationships

Not a hard topic.

Laughed and joked

About how things are going

Still had time left

Move on to next topic

9:22 pm

"Let's go into family"

My face dropped

But I knew it was coming

It's just a big topic

"Your earliest triggering memory"

I thought for a bit

Most were blurry

But I started to speak

Played the details of the event

Of what I remember

My voice started to crack

As tears rushed down

I told her of the abuse

Of the hitting, of running away

Of the bruises people saw

But didn't say a word about

I told her of that night

When after the beating

I grabbed a pencil

And scraped it across my skin

How since then, I only stopped

For a single year

Before starting again

And how it's still hard

She listened with tears in her eyes

No longer writing her notes

Guilt and regret flooded my head

And I sat hunched in front of that screen

She asked a single question

"Are you scared you're going to do it tonight?"

I stayed quiet for a moment

Before slowly nodding my head

"I'm coming over," she said

her voice cracking as she grabbed her bags

"look at me," she whispered

I could barely look into her eyes

"wait for me," she barely spoke

her voice shaking through the screen

"just wait for me, okay?"

I gave a slow nod

9:55 pm

I sat on that bed

Hands wrapped around me

Shaking with my phone in front of me

Barely able to breath

I had texted my mom

"she's coming over. please don't ask"

she didn't ask

and I didn't leave my room

I waited 20 minutes

I tried so hard

Sitting alone in my room

With a pencil in my hand

I couldn't control my hands

As I squeezed my eyes shut

Pain shooting through my body

As I broke my promise

10:19 pm

She came into my room

I had my arm tucked under my shirt

She prayed over me

And asked me some questions

She sat kneeling beside my bed

Brushing my hair from my face

Her eyes flickered slightly

And she looked at me

"...I used to do it, too"

she whispered just to me

And my eyes widened a bit

I wasn't alone

We talked a bit more

Tears on both our faces

She glanced at my arm

And slowly grabbed it

I didn't stop her

As she pulled my arm out

The marks still red

As I lowered my head

I felt ashamed, embarrassed

I tried to wait for her

I wanted to keep my promise

I'm so sorry

10:31 pm

Her parents had come to talk

They were her mentors

She's just in training

I regret saying anything

Apparently, my obsession

My current hyperfixation

Carries demons in the dark

And I need to get rid of it

How could anime posters

And figures on a shelf

Cause so much harm?

I don't get it

But I was given instructions

I have to follow them

But I've created an attachment

It's going to be so hard

11:05 pm

They all left, one after another

My parents didn't ask question

They were probably told

To stay quiet and leave me be

I spent the next hour

Taking down everything

Dozens of posters and figures

Books and drawings

Hoodies and shoes

Bags and water bottles

Stickers and jewelry

So many things

It's like having a best friend

For over a year

Then being told

"they're hurting you"

It's just an anime, right?

Just a stupid show

But it holds my comfort characters

That talked me through hard times

What about the fantasies living in my head?

What about the memories of my favorite characters?

What about the comfort they gave when no one was there?

What about the happiness it gave when i was down?

Everything's sitting in a trash bag

At the entrance of my room

Hundreds of dollars, dozens of gifts

Stacked carefully in the bag

I have to let go

But I can't let go

I don't want to let go

What will I do now?

It's the one thing that's keeping me sane

Keeping my broken pieces together

But now I'm being told to get rid of it

Before it breaks me more

I don't get it

But I have to obey

Too tired to question

Just throw it all away

12:15 am

I can't bring myself to throw it out yet

Like a piece of myself is being ripped out

...maybe I should give away everything else

Every valuable thing I own

Might as well empty my room

So it's not too much hassle

When the room becomes empty

With my presence gone for good

But I keep remembering the words

She said when we talked

Replaying in my head

As my head pounds from the pressure

"I used to do it too"

"Wait for me, okay?"

"You didn't deserve that"

"You're still just a kid"

"You're still just a kid"

You're still just a kid

...I'm still just a kid