Struggling

I'm 23 and a first time mom. 4 months ago I gave birth and soon after fell real deep into postpartum depression. I still am struggling with it and there's times when things are looking up and then all of the sudden everything comes crashing down again. I knew being a mother would be hard but nothing ever prepared me for this. And I've fallen back into a really old habit that I had hoped would have stayed in my past. I used to self harm years ago in my teens and I was going through depression then. Back then I was alone and it hurt, so I decided I would feel a different pain that I could at least control. Thankfully a friend who is now the love of my life, came into the picture. He saved me in so many ways that mattered and eventually I was able to stop harming myself.

Fast-forward to now and I've slipped back into it. There's days where I feel so much pain and rage and the only thing that I can do to make me feel better is to cut. Because I'd rather feel that pain than the pain I feel emotionally. It takes my mind off of the fact that I feel like I'm drowning within myself. I've tried to stop because I want to be better for my child and everytime I do it, afterwards I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. Yet I end up doing it again and again. I keep telling myself this will all come to pass. But as each day passes I feel like I just end up getting kicked back down. Anyway I just wanted to vent. I have not been able to tell anyone I know about this because I don't want to be looked down on or be shamed. So for now I keep this to myself and to this community. Thanks for anyone who may read this.