[TW] why tf am i still on this
TW - SH, graphic language
well, 51 days down the drain. ive been cutting since i was 13, and the longest i have ever gone without doing it is 6 months. 6 *** months. i am 20 *** yrs old. 7 yrs. i have been doing this for SEVEN *** YEARS AND I CANT STOP.
and what’s worse, nowadays it doesnt even help. like i dont feel better after like how i used to, i just feel shame and disgust w myself. but i also dont feel, idk, satisfied. like it wasn’t enough, i needed to do more, do worse harm to myself bc it didnt reflect the emotional ***.
and it’s not even to suppress sadness anymore is it. although i dont think it ever really was. it’s this physical, unmanifested urge, the urge to destroy myself, the urge to be destructive.
god sorry that got graphic
(edited Feb 9, 2023)
@lilth0 I can feel your pain, I know how this may seem but I was always told to take things one day at a time. 51 days or 6 months or even ONE day is a great achievement, we just need to pick ourselves up and look to the next day. What worked for you last time? Have you tried journalling, writing instead? Putting those thoughts into words and then you can get the feeling out?
Distraction is also a very strong tactic , but it can be so so hard. Lilth0 do you have a listener or a few listeners so there is always one around that you can message? Or what about group support?
Listening - One Step At A Time!
@lilth0 I'm 25 and I relate to this so much. it's so much harder to feel "satisfied", and I feel like those urges to destroy yourself get harder to deal with as you get older. it's like, why tf am i still dealing with this? and you feel even more ashamed bc society especially makes you feel like you should just be healed by now.