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lilth0
279 M Embraced 2
PathStep 7 Compassion hearts52 Forum posts8 Forum upvotes12 Current upvotes12 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2023 Member sinceDecember 27, 2022
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bf and infidelity issues
Relationship Stress / by lilth0
Last post
 December 17th, 2023
...See more i dont even know where to start on this one. i (21) have been dating my bf/maybe ex (21) for 3 yrs, and it’s been a constant battle of him cheating on me, and watching pornography. the entire relationship, that’s been a problem. just last night, i found out that he had been lying since september about watching porn, and he went to extremes yet again. he was on groups in telegram, as well as downloading *** for their livestreams. not only that, but late nov he downloaded another dating app and made an account. he claims to having not talked to other women from all of the apps, but im finding it really hard to believe him. on top of all that, oct he downloaded a different dating app, and i told him that in order for me to stay, he has to find some sort of way to fix his lying and cheating problems. he promised that that was going to be the last time he did that, only for me to find out last night that he did the complete opposite; didnt follow through with fixing his problems, and instead continued his behavior. he and i are on a break now, and i told him the only way we will ever get back together was if he figured out a way to fix his issues, and actually follow through with it this time. meaning ill be checking in on what he’s doing, ill be doubling down on how i monitor what he’s doing, etc. and if he messes up this last deal, we will be breaking up forever. im just so scared that he’s lying to me again about actually putting in the work to fix himself, i dont know how ill be able to trust that he is. anyway, can anyone give in their inputs on this, maybe find out some things he could do, something i should do, etc
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hes destroyed me and i love him
Relationship Stress / by lilth0
Last post
 February 11th, 2023
...See more this is def gonna be a long post. tldr: my bf and i have been together for 2 yrs, most of it has been torture, but we’re better now and i cant help but feel resentful for it so, yea, 2 yr long relationship (had our anniversary only a couple days ago.) it started off great, i truly loved him, thought he was the one. he felt so amazing to be around, the corny, he’s my other half ***. but then, june of 2021, *** changed, forever. i tripped on acid, and had the most horrific experience of my life (this is coming from someone who’s been raped twice lmao.) it destroyed me. the aftermath tho, it’s what still truly haunts me. everything was fine at first, he was trying to help w my anxiety and psychosis that was caused by it, supportive and all that. but then *** started to change w him. he started getting angry more often, critical of me, patronizing. and at first i tried to ignore it, going into our bathroom to hide and cry, then come out and pretend like everything was fine. but i started being unable to, i was getting increasingly upset w him, speaking up ab how his “jokes” ab me hurt, how i had to walk on eggshells around him so i wouldn’t make him upset. but he never listened. i tried to open up and my depression, the constant state of terror i was in due to the trip and psychosis, but he started to resent me for it. said it himself that being around me like that made him depressed. so i would try my hardest to suppress myself, hide in the metaphorical corner until i eventually blew up and we had our massive and intense arguments. id beg him to listen, question my own sanity on wether or not he was mistreating me. this carried on, for almost an entire yr. what i didnt know (well i did, i just didnt have proof) was that he was cheating on me. on dating apps, texting other women, getting *** from them. and god, the way my stomach dropped when i saw the photos of the women, and realized i wasnt wrong ab what he was doing. and i lost it. i screamed at him, i hated him. eventually i moved back in w my mom after the constant lying from him and went to cosmetology school, and he moved in w his family. and ever since we moved away from each other, we’ve slowly been getting better. our communication has gotten better, we’re more healthy. after a whole yr im finally out of the constant terror and psychosis. but i cant get over it. his cheating, more than anything. i feel disgusting, ugly. my self esteem and worth is ruined; i will never be able to look at myself and see true beauty ever again. i developed and eating disorder due to all the weight gain that was caused by my medication. i constantly question myself, “am i pretty, is this position hot, do i need to lose/gain more weight, is my *** big enough?” and ive told him all this too, it’s not like he doesn’t know. i just dont think ill be able to forgive him for it. just, overall, i resent the fact that we mightve always been able to be like this if i had never made the mistake of tripping on acid. if i had never sent myself into psychosis, maybe it wouldn’t have caused all this. why couldn’t he have supported and loved me like he does now? when i most needed him, he cheated and abused me instead of helping. and now that im better, he loves me, more than he has ever loved me before. sorry for the rant lmao
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[TW] why tf am i still on this
Self-Harm Recovery / by lilth0
Last post
 February 10th, 2023
...See more TW - SH, graphic language well, 51 days down the drain. ive been cutting since i was 13, and the longest i have ever gone without doing it is 6 months. 6 *** months. i am 20 *** yrs old. 7 yrs. i have been doing this for SEVEN *** YEARS AND I CANT STOP. and what’s worse, nowadays it doesnt even help. like i dont feel better after like how i used to, i just feel shame and disgust w myself. but i also dont feel, idk, satisfied. like it wasn’t enough, i needed to do more, do worse harm to myself bc it didnt reflect the emotional ***. and it’s not even to suppress sadness anymore is it. although i dont think it ever really was. it’s this physical, unmanifested urge, the urge to destroy myself, the urge to be destructive. god sorry that got graphic (edited Feb 9, 2023)
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im attempting recovery but im scared
Eating Disorder Support / by lilth0
Last post
 December 28th, 2022
...See more i know i need to, in fact i hate how skinny ive gotten, but im terrified bc ik that if im not careful ill start binging. i just dont know what to do or how to go ab it
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i never experienced psychosis until a yr ago, and i dont know how to recover
Bipolar, Schizophrenia & Psychosis Support / by lilth0
Last post
 January 9th, 2023
...See more so a yr ago, i entered a drug induced psychosis from lsd (have familial history of bipolar and schizophrenia so definitely wasn’t a good idea.) the trip was horrible, and it caused me to start thinking my life before the trip was completely fabricated and i was placed into this simulation type world during the trip. so all my memories, family, childhood, in my mind was fake. and everyone in this world was fake and completely fabricated, so like uncanny valley type stuff. and for a whole yr i thought this until i got onto medication. having never experienced something like this before, it has caused some serious damage on myself and mental health. that entire yr i was in absolute constant terror, fully trapped in my own mind in like an almost spiritual sense, incredibly aware of the physical separation of other people from me, so knowing ultimately no one can understand because we are separate from each other. and idk, im just trying to pick myself up from that, but it is so absolutely terrifying and has done so much damage to me, that i dont know if ill ever be the same again. i dont know if ill ever recover. was kinda just a rant lol
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