First time you ever experimented with self-harm?

I started self-harming before I understood what it was. I was about 12 when I started - I had a school badge. I was able to scratch and scar my skin with it whenever I wished - even during classes. Then I started getting creative - hot water, metal poles, rubber bands etc. My self-harm became more and more obscure - it was more than just cutting - it was bruising, burning, scratching etc. I was able to scar myself with a highlighter and a glue stick! I currently have a list of over 40+ different self-harm tools. The longest I ever lasted without relapsing was 9 months. I would consider myself a binge self-harmer - someone who lasts long periods without it, but goes all out when I have the opportunity. I'm running low on excuses and summer won't let me hide my scars, I fear I may find new methods to suit my urges.

I started when I was 14. We did Shakespeare projects and a classmate did here on Ophelia, she did a presentation on self harm and cutting. I went home that night and cut myself with a dull thumbtack. It's been 12 years now. It was much worse in high school and college and even though it's only a few times a year now, I know I need to stop for good.

I was 11 when I started. I started feeling down a lot more than usual and couldn't explain my feelings. I felt really alone and as if no one understood. I had a lot of family members pass away that year and it was hard to cope with. I'd heard about self harm from people at my school that were trying to overcome it. One day, I felt like I couldn't cope anymore and I just wanted to get away from all the pressure I felt. I took a knife and cut my arm nine times. I never will forget the way I felt. It was sort of a relief but also made me panic. I couldn't stop shaking and I felt like I was going to be sick. I've been cutting for nearly three years now and although some of my close friends know, my family have no idea. I'm too scared to tell them because of what they might think. I don't live with my dad but he has two other children and he often excludes me from his family. He tells me I'll never be good enough and it gets me down sometimes. I worry about things too much, I feel as if no one will ever except me and I find that cutting is a solution to this. I don't want to cut because I know it won't fix things long term but if I don't, I get really anxious and worried about everything that happens around me. I really want to stop but I feel like I have no control over it anymore. It's hard.

3 months before I turned sixteen I had two (A-)'s and I had just gotten over an episode of amplified pain syndrome so I thought that carving a tree into my stomach would both equal out the (A-)'s and commemorate my struggle with amplified pain syndrome (instead of getting a tattoo because I was to young). I also have OCD so I sterilized a big needle, and my stomach, and just kind of scratched a tree into my stomach. It bled pretty bad so I put some sterilized gauze over it too. I still have the scar of a tree now but I'm not really embarrassed about it or anything cause it's just kind of there. I've only lightly scratched myself since but I've noticed that the only time I feel like scratching myself is when my perfectionism gets too out of hand.

I started when I was 15, my boyfriend at the time tried to commit suicide and I tried to convince him not to by making sort of a pact with him. He wouldn't stop cutting so I cut too. It then developed into a habit. It's a really stupid reason.

The first time I self harmed was in seventh grade, and my parents were yelling at me. I remember what it was for. I'd been emailing this guy for pretty much half the school year, and it wasn't anything inappropriate or anything, I just liked talking to him and he'd make jokes and things like that. I hid it from my parents, though, and they got so angry, and I felt all the guilt just pile on top of me, and while they were yelling at me I dug my nails into my thigh and just started scratching up and down, up and down, because I kind of knew in the back of my head that pain would make my stop crying, that I deserved the pain, that I deserved it. I didn't even realize what I was doing was that bad until I felt the area get wet and realize the skin was shiny and red. The next day it stung badly and I realized I kind of liked having it sting because it reminded me of what I'd done and how I deserved it. A couple of weeks later, my sister was really, really mad at me. We share a room and when she stopped talking to me, I just started scratching my calf until it bled, because I felt so, so guilty for hurting her, and I knew I deserved it. I didn't do it again for about a year and a half, because I didn't really know what I was doing or if it had a name or anything. I started back up again doing the same thing beginning of this school year (freshman year) because all of these things I've done I feel guilty for and I can't bear the guilt anymore. When I scratch, I know that I'm getting what I deserve and it helps ease the guilt. Then for about a week, whenever it stings, I'm reminded of what I did to get that particular mark and how I deserve the pain.

It's kind of funny because my parents told me once that when I was a baby, I used to bite people. They got tired of me biting them, their friends, and my siblings, so my mom told me that if I wanted to bite anyone, to bite myself. And apparently I did until I was like four. So maybe that counts as my first self harm. I don't know.

I started when I was 7. I would use sewing needles and thumb tack or push pins to peirce where I go to the bathroom. I started because my dad was always telling me how he wished I was a boy and wished I had never been born. It progressively changed and by the time I was 19 I was using hangers and bungee cords, when I went to the doctor she said next time I came in she was going to cut part of my female anatomy off and I started cutting and burning that anatomy, I usually use shavers but have used a razor blade and have also used a utility knife, tried exacto knife but too short and heavy on the handle end

When I was in my early teens I use to pinch and scratch my arms and hand. I also used to (and still do) pick at the skin around my nails on my fingers and rip it off until it starts bleeding. It's only been the last year (I'm in my early twenties) that I started cutting.

In 1980. I didn't know anyone else ever did that. These days I just drink and don't bother with the meds that are supposed to help my cancer away.

In 1980. I didn't know anyone else ever did that. These days I just drink and don't bother with the meds that are supposed to help my cancer away.