Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
@mytwistedsoul
I just wanted to say, Im so incredibly proud of you for making it however many seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years without self-harming. Without reaching for your tools. Without hurting yourself.
Youre so very important to many of us. To me. Theres so many of us who care about others, who care about you. ❤️ I love seeing you check-in with us, responding to your posts. What makes you think youll be forgotten? :(
The urges can get trickier and trickier to handle, especially when its in the front of your mind everyday, thinking about it everyday. It sounds like you really dont want to self-Harm, as youre trying to put it off as much as you can. So, what can you do instead? How else could you cope with your feelings of numbness, needing a release, punishment etc.?
@rebecca947 Thank you! How are you today?
I have a hard time understanding that people who don't know me can care, when the people who do know me don't. There are day's when I feel I am not worth space I take up. Not every day but most. ok.... no it is everyday
The urge is especially strong today, I'm agitated and angry because of it. trying not to be impulsive. I need to go out today, don't want to. Pantry's getting low and they're calling for snow, dog's would be bummed without cookies.
Thank you for being proud of me. And for taking time out of your day for me.
@mytwistedsoul
I understand. It can be confusing to feel like strangers care but people who know you dont. But there are just so many people out there in the world, not everyone will make you feel the way you feel with the people around you. You sound like an amazing person, and i hope one day you'll realise it for yourself and believe it. xx
It sounds like you really care for your dogs ❤ Why don't you want to go out?
@rebecca947 while I thank you, I can assure you there is nothing amazing about me.
They're good dogs. They help me at times, I guess they sense my moods and do things to try to distract me. Bring me their toys. They are the amazing ones.
People just make me nervous, I even get nervous coming on here at times. Idk I just usually keep to myself. Take care!
@mytwistedsoul
We can feel that way about ourselves sometimes. After all, we are our own worst critics. And yes, dogs are so loyal, caring and amazing! What are your dogs names and breeds? :)
*hugs* I hope you manage to figure out what about people make you nervous. In the meantime, hopefully, 7 Cups is a supportive and kind place for you! Take care of yourself xx
@rebecca947 Kodie is a shepard mix and Taz is just a mix. I think she has lab in her and maybe pit.
I know some of my nervousness comes from a rough childhood. I know I need to work on that. Yeah 7cups does have a lot of nice people and I've enjoyed talking with everyone and you. Thank you for taking time to talk with me, I appreciate it. I hope you have a good day. Take care.
@mytwistedsoul
Ooh, what shepherd breed? German shepherd? Australian shepherd? :o idk what other types there are lol and cute, lab and pit bull mix!!! 😍
Ahh, that
Hi Soul, wood-worker, this is Tree, extending a branch of good will your way. I love the beautiful things you make with your hands - makes me feel like I will live forever in the house of someone who cares for me.
@determinedTree113 Hey tree. How are you?
Thank you for the branch. I try to bring out your best features. The warmth and beauty of the grain. Tree's offer some beautiful material to work with. Keeps my hands busy, some days they want to destroy more then create. Thank you again!
Take care!
@mytwistedsoul you may think that there isnt anything amazing about you but you can make something amazing about your self. Have you thought of learning an instrument of any kind pianos are good to learn there are multiple sources you can learn from videos or just apps.
my input may not matter much but just stay safe.
@sincereSummer5948 Hey How are you?
I think I have a lag or something with posts. I apologize that I haven't gotten back to you sooner. I didn't see you here until today.
I actually can play all ready. Piano, guitar and saxophone. Saxophone more then the others, mainly because the sax was the only one I wanted to learn myself. The other's were what Red Queen's wanted. So I don't mess with them anymore.
I hope you're well, take care, be gentle with yourself.
@mytwistedsoul
Shiva, the Destroyer, is also Lord of the Dance and controls the movement of the universe. (I am not Hindu, however aspects of that faith fascinate me.) As an artist who as a child used to stick pins into my fingertips, I encourage you to embrace your destructive side and channel it into something creative. Creators are destroyers. You know this already.
As a Tree, I feel your pain. Wind and I will sing you a sad song to inspire you.
:)
@determinedTree113 Hey Tree, How are you?
I try to create more then I destroy but some days my hands have a mind of their own. I don't have a lot to say for religion. I think it's an interesting concept, I like the Norse lore of it. Valhalla and all that. Odin and his wolves Geri and Freki. Beyond that, I don't know. And the Hindi do have some rather interesting gods and deities.
You're an artist? Cool! May I ask what you do?
You and wind have really been singing the past few days. Thank you for the inspiration.
Take care, be gentle with yourself.
@mytwistedsoul
I have experimented with a lot of different forms of creative expression. When I get a mental block in one thing, I switch to another thing, then switch back. (I have not tried woodworking, but that is an art form I truly appreciate!)
Have you tried clay? You can get a lot more safely brutal with it than wood. You get a 10-lb. lump and first knead it like bread and throw it violently down to knock the air holes out a few times, then you fashion it into a form with your hands and cut into it with clay tools. That might be a good way to release your inner Shiva. And in that way, you become friends with Earth, who is my support and nourishment.
@determinedTree113
I never gave clay a thought, that is something I will have to look into. I like of like the idea of being able to throw it around. Thank you!
I have a deep appreciation of Mother Earth. She provides for everyone and everything and seems to have quite a sense of humor at times. She is truely amazing.
Hope you're well, take care. Thanks again!
@mytwistedsoul
@KittyCat15 Hey How are you?
Just needed to vent a little. All ready wrote it out, still don't feel much better. This whole anxiety thing is utter BS! I am so tired of feeling like this. I spend half my time trying these grounding things, I feel a little bit better and then it comes back twice as bad. Just complete BS! Sorry just wanted to share that. Just so freaking frustrating!
@mytwistedsoul
I know how you feel. A friend came and took all my knives. but i can always find a way to hurt myself. no one can do it for me, i have to learn to control it.
i hope you're okay
@CourtneysJeep Hey How are you?
I'm glad you have such a good friend trying to keep you from harming. Yeah there are always ways. I'm trying really hard not to. A month tomorrow. I'm back to rubber bands and red markers and pens. It's hard to resist. It's an addiction all to it's self.
Do whatever you can to keep from harming yourself. Draw, even if it's just big ugly words that describe what you feel, write poems, they can be as mean or dark as you want. I'm finding that some things work, other's don't. Sometimes it's something weird. Like coating your hands with Elmer's glue, let it dry and peel it off. Keeps you distracted. Stay strong, be gentle to yourself. Take care
@mytwistedsoul Hi:)
Hope you're having a good day today.
a month! that month must have felt like years. you're incredible! stay strong ❤️❤️
Hugs. This is the song my husband dedicated to me when I feel like you do. It has helped me tremendously bc here you are not alone. And you are not a fleeting thought.
https://youtu.be/-rKwPblSdQA
@LPyMP
Your husband must be amazing. That song...wow.. so sad but so beautiful. Thank you for sharing that with me.
Thank you, take care and be gentle with yourself.
@mytwistedsoul
He kinda is lol. He's helped me tremendously. When we found each other I was in a very very dark place full of self loathing. I didn't see why and sometimes I still don't see why he is with me.
I want to dedicate that song to you bc you are not alone. We may not be physically there with you but we will help you find strength every step of the way. 11 days without hurting yourself is a milestone and it an easy one, I know. You are worthy of so many beautiful happy things and we will help you get there.
@LPyMP
He sounds like it. To see your light through all the darkness. Gives me hope. Um...thank you for the song dedication,at the risk of sounding truely pathetic, that's a first for me. Thank you
I'm actually up to 32 days now. Which feels pretty good but I'm a little nervous about it because lately I have had self destructive side that likes to rear it's head when I get angry and I get stupid and impulsive and do things I shouldn't.
I'm still working on the self worth thing, but I am learning to ask for help...slowly and I appreciate the help that comes my way. So thank you!
@mytwistedsoul
that's fantastic I'm so happy for you I know it's not gonna be easy believe me I've been where you have been but you'll get there I know you will you're not alone and we're all here to help you
@LPyMP
It means alot to me to know that I'm not as alone as I feel. It catches me off guard at times (like now) that there are people some where out there that care what I do to myself. I'm not used to that. Just..wow, thank you. Now I need to blow my nose, lol!
I feel...done. Just done. I know I shouldn't say that, that's just how I feel. Honesty, right? I'm tired. I can't seem to shut off this war in my head. Too many pieces and parts to fit together, too many that don't fit at all.
@mytwistedsoul
Hey! Its okay to feel that way but just remember that you are not alone, we are all here for you, we understand what youre going through, so dont hesitate on talking if you need to... youve come so far, dont let one thought ruin it all, youre strong. YOU can do it!
@mytwistedsoul I am proud of you. You are doing better that I am :)
@Ylisse Hey how are you?
How are things with home?
@mytwistedsoul well, now they
@Ylisse I'm glad things have gotten better, even if it is just a little. I hope things keep getting better. Stay safe, be gentle with yourself.
Sorry for earlier. Sometimes things feel like it's just too much, ya know? I stepped up and asked for help. I went to group and worked out a safety net with a few people. For when things get too hard to handle. Thank you
This weekend has been so impossibly hard. My head is so F*cking screwed up. We had a visit from the Red Queen, that threw everything to hell. Nothing has been right since. Still can't sleep and just compared my life to a broken lightbulb. I'm just broke, no repairs, no patches, no updates. I don't think anything can fix this. Been losing a daily self harm battle. I'm either anxious and emotional or depressed and emotional. Or hell I don't know. Just angry..some thing/ some one is so angry. These freaking headaches that go with everything really suck. Checked out an online prayer group, yeah well, desperate times call for desperate measure. In trying to explain some of the things that go on in my head... I had someone suggest that maybe I was possessed. So that really made me feel better. Lol! Yeah I'm possessed by the ghosts of christmas past. No I just have a devil whispering in my ear. He really needs to shut up, all the rats go down with the ship
. Eh..just bitching.