Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
Uh I was just going to say that I wanted to join both of you, I have brought some wine and some pitas as well - the bread I mean. Plus jam, butter, eggs, handmade chocolate sauce, the whole lot lol. You never know how long a night may feel. Can leave it all at your door if you prefer? I would be happy if I could hear you burping in satisfaction, you know a big loud burp resonating in the dark. It may scare my nightmares away. But there is no obligation.
@admaiorasemper @NoneTheWiser You're both always welcome at the fire here. I appreciate both of you - your offer's to sit with me and of course bringing food and drink into the mix is always welcome.
I'm so sorry it always seems to be something - ya know? I feel like I'm trying to hold together a fractured dam. Each hole you plug a new one appears. New cracks - new chunks torn out. It's inevitable - it's going to go. *hands out life jackets*
Like Jeckyll and Hyde - she runs hot and cold. No in between. In public or around people she was one way - the ever caring concerned parent. Privately - she was just cruel and scary. Quick to hit - Quick to lash out. Everything was a plot or plan to make her look bad. Anything you said was used against you. If you got angry with her - she got angier with you because - how dare you. Impossible to please - nothing makes her happy. I think my sole purpose was to make her life easier and if I couldn't she had no use for me. I was a liar - for telling how abusive she was. Just a troubled kid - looking for attention. It was always - do you realize how this makes me look? You learn quickly to keep your mouth shut. Who would believe you anyway? Not the teachers - not the family - you learn you have no one. You become the family secret keeper. Shed no tears - or she'll give you something to cry about. An aunt would ask her to send me to her house to help with something - return home and it was a million and one questions - you never knew how to answer them. Every answer could send her over the edge or make her gloat. Sometimes family would ask questions and take what you said back to her - twisting everything you said. You learn not to trust anyone - you learn to keep your mouth shut - you learn all the wrong things. You learn that the Queen is the most powerful piece
Forgot to mention - there was an incident(?) - not sure what else to call it. Idk - if it was emotions or thoughts or a combination of both but at one point - I'm not sure what I felt but it dropped me to my knees - stole my breath and just left me disoriented for awhile. Idk - guess I didn't need to share that. Not sure why I am now. I still don't know what this was
@mytwistedsoul
You can share anything you want or need to, yeah? Sitting with you
@ThePizza Hey Mere - how are you? I've been meaning to tell you - I finished the first Percy Jackson books and have almost finished The Lost Hero. Awesome books - Thank you again for telling me about them.
@mytwistedsoul
You're welcome-- I'm glad you like them, lol
CAn't think straight - too many thoughts all muddled and swarming together. Stupid brain - WORK!
I didn't know what day it was today - I've had to keep checking because for whatever reason I just can't seem to grasp the day. Even wrote a note
I'm angry - with myself - for being inconsiderate. For - god - for opening my mouth and saying things I probably shouldn't because I feel like maybe it's alienating people. The truth will set you free - but it will push people away too. Even if that's not what you're trying to do. I've always tried to be honest. But IDk maybe there's things I should just keep to myself - I know we're supposed to share but maybe somethings are just too much. IDk - maybe I need a filter - maybe I just need to plug my freaking brain in and think before I open my freaking mouth.
The Queen - The Queen - God save the Queen because I won't. Always in my ear - she tells me the truth as she see's it.
* RQ - J! What the f*ck are you doing?
Nothing - why?
RQ - Exactly - nothing. You should be doing something. DO you think you're here to do nothing? F*cking waste of space. I've always said so. All you do is prove me right boy - you know that right?
Yeah I know - my sole purpose is to prove you right.* (that's all I'm allowed to share apparently)
All day - this has been all I've been listening to.
I'm frustrated - I'm so d*mn tired
Idk I can't seem to quiet my head - but nothing in there wants to make much sense.
Anxiety is stronger than the depression today - Feeling very unsure and insecure. Idk - I'm not good for people. Not good for much except proving the Queen right. I need something to hold me together because I feel like I'm falling apart. Too much - it's all just too much sometimes. Let's have a laugh and cry at the same time.
So alittle time has past - Feeling a little calmer - thank god for my awesome listener (even if I don't believe) They at least know I'm a fruitloop and can deal with it. Alittle more in control - Let's take a deep breath - yeah?
@mytwistedsoul
Can I take a deep breath with you?
@admaiorasemper yes of course but we may need more than 1
@mytwistedsoul that's ok, i could try to get a couple of oxygen bottles as well
I'm feeling like I'm in alittle better headspace today. There's a clarity to my thoughts and some gentle mindedness. Maybe today we're actually just practicing some self compassion. Yesterday was pretty rough - head was all messed up too many thoughts - too many emotions. It gets overwhelming trying to make heads or tails of things. Trying to figure out what belongs where.
I seem to spending alot of time going through cycles of anxiety and depression. I still don't think that should be allowed. It goes from moment to moment or minute to minute.
There seems to be some thought thieving and I have a few idea's about a few other things I want to run past Doc Z.
Tbh - I haven't in the shop for more then a few minutes for the past week. First because I lacked the motivation to do anything out there. No creative juices flowing - no will or drive to do anything except basically sit around and feel sorry for myself. But lately there's been more - my hands and brain seem to be disconnected from one another. Doing things out there - building things - creating - was kind of like breathing for me. To look at a piece of wood and see what it could be - what is tucked under the surface was kind of special. Lately I haven't been able to do any of that. I look at it and just see a log - that's it. I see some of the things I carved - the duck - the turtles - the dolphin and it's almost like I feel a sense of wonder - did I do that? I know I've kind of had blocks before when I get depressed but Idk - this is a little worrysome because it feels like more. I just don't know what to do with the tools when I have them in my hands. Like forgetting how to use a spoon or fork. Idk - like I said it's bothering me - this loss.
@mytwistedsoul
I felt such a warmness whilst reading you are practising self-compassion. And I wonder: what if this lack of creativity you are currently exeriencing was related to it? As if, your mind was using all energy on a higher and perhaps unusual task at the moment?
@admaiorasemper Hey V - How are you today?
It's a good point you brought up - it's quite possible. Self compassion is kind of a foreign and unusual thing here. I often feel that we're all our own worst enemies. No one can cause as much damage to us as we do ourselves.
In my opinion, it's a really brave thing you did that you kept yourself from self harming for 11 days. I know how depression feels like, even getting out of bed seems like a struggle sometimes and having no energy to do something and just laying idle on the bed and listening to songs on repeat makes very much sense. I just wanna let you know that you're important no matter how you are . You are unique, no matter how much hard you're dealing with depression and social anxiety. :) @mytwistedsoul
@IcyWinter Hey How are you?
Thank you - my longest stretch was 65 days. Right now my count is 5 days. I can honestly say it's been hard. The urges are always there somedays
It's really nice to see you here! I've seen you around here and there. I'm glad you stopped in . I know you've been dealing with some things too. So I want to say - if you ever need to talk or whatever - this has been declared a judgment free zone. So - ya know? Just tag me - I'm always willing to listen. It helps to know you aren't alone with these struggles
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
*Trigger Warning*
It's bad enough when the thoughts are lost. But to be able to steal skills and knowledge, it's almost unbearable. There's an added level of heartbreak to what it is we're dealing with. There was some thought that it could be just a lack of motivation that sometimes comes with the depression. This isn't the case, I'm sure it's a contributing factor but it's not the only thing causing it.
There is a considerable amount of stress we're under. The stress makes everything worse. The feeling of no control, the intrusive thoughts and actions. The constant power struggle. The constant questioning of what emotion belongs to which person, which personality. The constant arguing. The switching, the Queen. The headaches. We struggle, a lot. We do not like to ask for help. We never had people would could ask for help. Here it's different. Yes everyone must still be careful, not everyone is as nice as they seem. There are people with attachment issues, there are people who seem to think that you can fix all their problems. There are angry people, bitter people...Hurting people. Of course, isn't that why we're all here?
I'm going to share something here right now, something that has only been mentioned in passing. I'm not sure why I feel I must do this because I'm sure it's going to freak some people out and possibly alienate others. I'm not sure, maybe this is a test and I need to do it to prove a point to someone.
We have DID. We are a system of 12. 9 of which we are aware. Some of us have our own problems and illnesses. Some have depression and anxiety, other's have OCD, 1 is allergic to bee's and has ADHD. 1 is autistic and doesn't speak to anyone except through pictures. We have little's who are happy, who are sad and some who are scared. We are all parts of J. My name, is Logan. I must admit, I have been around on here before. Maybe not this thread but I do come in here. There is one other person on here who knows for certain a few of the others.
As I said I'm not sure why I am doing this here in a public forum. I should probably have done it on the feed where it can be deleted easier. At the same time I feel it needs to be where it can be seen by other's on here to prove to J that this is ok. That it doesn't change who he is. That we can still be accepted and belong. Proof that the people he's friends with here won't think any less of him. I hope that there's no one here that will prove me wrong. With this in mind - please be kind, be gentle, with any comments you feel you must make.
I fully understand now, what J means when he talks about the nervousness and apprehension when you go to post on here. There has to be a certain level of faith in the anonymosity, in the kindness of others. I'm placing some faith in everyone here right now. I'm trusting you, please don't let me down.
@mytwistedsoul
Hey Logan. Your consideration of J is admirable. And correct, this does not change anything. :)
@mytwistedsoul
i love it when alters start feeling comfortable and coming out of hiding with people finally thats always something to only be seen as good when that can happen reminds me of a system i really miss talking to :(
@mytwistedsoul
Hi Logan, it is really nice to read you. I feel honoured to meet you. You are right, nothing has changed. I for certain do not think any less of J.
@admaiorasemper Hey Hi,
To greater things, always. I like your log in name. Thank you, it's an honor to meet you as well.
What do I need? What do I want? Most of the time I don't know.
I've found my emotions again. Unfortunately they're all over the place right now. Tbh - I'm not sure how I should feel. I guess it's ok to not be ok. So ok - I don't know if I'm ok.
Thoughts want to bounce all over. I know everyone says nothing has changed but in my mind it has. The reality of my situation seems real-er. This is something that has tried to be kept hidden for a long time. Excuses made. Secrets should be kept secret.
I'm nervous - I'm angry. I think I've forgotten what it's like to feel happy - Idk - maybe I never really knew. I'm trying to keep myself in check. It's hard to be gentle with myself and my thoughts when - Idk - I just really feel alot of hatred towards myself. I'm the weakest link.
Overwhelming - the thoughts - the feelings. Don't know what to do about them all. Can I suck it out - like poison - put it in a freezer bag and store it for later? Pretend it doesn't exist? Pretend I don't? Maybe I don't - maybe I'm just a figment of someone's f*cked up imagination. Let's maybe push that thought away - Red Queen will take that one and run with it.
@mytwistedsoul
It is also ok not to know if you are ok.
You have drawn a very powerful picture there: to suck your feelings and thoughts out, put them in a freezer bag and store it for later. I don't know if you are familiar with visualizing techniques, or if it is something that may appeal to you. But perhaps it may be worth to give it a try. To really imagine doing exactly what you wrote. To feel the power of it. To even talk to the freezer bag. Whatever comes to your mind.
@admaiorasemper Thank you - I am familiar with those techiques. I've used them in the past to deal with pain but I've never tried to do it with anything other than that. I might have to try it - just to see what happens. Although it'll have to dealt with eventually. It always does - if not it just come back worse or at the most in-opportune times.
@mytwistedsoul you are right, you will certainly have to deal with your feelings and thoughts at a certain point. And it is actually very important to do it. But you can (try to) choose when to do it. You can (try to) choose not to be overwhelmed by them. You are their master after all, and not viceversa. For instance, you could take just one feeling or thought out of the bag at the time and process it. Just the fact that you visualise it as something external from you could help you to detach yourself and calm down. You are not those feelings and thoughts.You could also promise the bag that you will come back later and keep working with it. These are just random ideas of course. You will find what suits you. But I have to say... I think I may use this imagine of yours when I feel overwhelmed :)
@mytwistedsoul
I don
@ThePizza Hey Mere - how are you? How's the counselor check going?
Thank you - for sitting here.
@mytwistedsoul
You're welcome. Im always happy to sit here, even when I cant find or choose words.
Yesterday I looked at three people my parents thought would be good and chose one to start with— my parents are working on scheduling an appointment. Feeling a little nervous about it tbh— this might be weird but I think… I think I would feel a lot less nervous about the counselor if my parents werent the one scheduling it. Idk— I guess Im uncomfortable with flashing my soul to them. If I always had a choice of who to show my soul to— they wouldnt be on the list. Is it bad for me to feel this way? Idk
@ThePizza Hey Mere - I hope this come out the way I want it to - but no - I don't think it's wrong for you to feel that way. They have expectations and a set way they want you to grow up. But sometimes - Idk - our wants are different from their wants. This may sound bad on my part - but sometimes they use the knowledge they have of us - against us. They use it to get what they want. Not saying that what they want is terrible - just different. Know what I mean? I am really glad they finally set something up though - I know you've been waiting a long time for them to get the ball rolling.
Once again in alittle better headspace.
Anxiety's kind of high today but that's because of a dentist appointment I have. The whole touching thing - just Idk - I have a big problem with being touched. It's not as bad as it was - at least now I can do virtual hugs easier. Even that used to freak me out - imagining it. Idk - yeah - I'm weird.
So depression is lurking in the back ground waiting to strike - probably after the dentist appointment. Once the anxiety dies down. 45 minute ride there will give anxiety a chance to build way up.
Not to condone drinking but - man have I got a hang over. Plus side - I got 4 hours of sleep - interrupted of course but hey it was still technically 4 hours. Down side - I feel like something the cat dragged in.
I need to remember to keep some of the energy I have - not give so much away when I have the extra. LOL! Yeah - good plan J.
Time to get ready - dog's to take out - quick shower - brush of teeth and away we go. An alien abduction would work for me right now. Do aliens have teeth? Probably have some space-aged dental care stuff going on.
Had a really rough night - flashbacks - stuck in the past - stuck in that god awful basment. It was punishment for - Idk being alive I guess.
*deep breath* so instead of sharing that sad story - um I want to try to Idk - a funny story to share instead - yeah? I need to laugh - I haven't been doing much of that lately. But this is a pretty funny story. So let's do this -
So- I know alot of people have heard me refer to myself as a PITA. Not many people know or knew what it stood for - so
Imagine walking into your therapist's office - have a seat and they ask How have things been lately - *following conversation goes -
Doc Z - Hey J! How are things with everyone?
Me - Good - um - having alot of anxiety at times - I'm afraid I'm a PITA
*so silence - like just complete silence - crickets should have been chirping or something*
After a minute I glanced over and he's just looking at me - with that look - You know that look that starts to make you think you said something wrong. So I'm sitting there - getting more anxious - more nervous and alittle angry. Thinking about just getting up and walking out - because I felt uncomfortable.
Me - So aren't you going to say anything?
Doc Z - Well - *his pen fell to the floor - he was trying to to give too much of what he was thinking away - stalling - stalling*
Me - Well what - you don't have anything to say? I tell you the anxiety makes me feel like a pain in the a** and you've got nothing?
*glance over * He looks really confused
Doc Z - You said you feel like a PITA - can you explain this please?
Me - *sigh* Yeah I feel like a PITA - a pain in the a** - P I T A
* he starts to kind of slide down in his chair - a sort of slumping slouch and lets out a deep breath - rubs his hands across his face *
Doc Z - Oh thank god!
Me - What? *noticed he looked really relieved *
Doc Z - J - when you said about feeling like a pita - well holy cow I thought you actually meant pita - like pita bread. I was worried - because I wasn't sure how I was going to handle this. I was at a loss J.
*In all honesty - I just stared at him and then I couldn't help but laugh - you could see he was relieved. Before you knew it we were both laughing pretty hard about this. Tears rolling down the cheeks laughter - can't catch your breath laughter
I mean - not to down play the whole therapy thing and it is a professional relationship but - Idk - it's serious and the therapy in it's self is often traumatic but Idk - sometimes - there are ok times. He helps me look at things differently. Yes this is very serous - what I'm dealing with but there has to be some lighter times too. There has to be some laughter to help heal - to help find some peace.
@mytwistedsoul Thank you so much for sharing this J., I also had a very good laugh and I really needed it! Doc Z rocks :) and I can so understand his puzzlement at the word PITA :D
@NoneTheWiser @admaiorasemper Glad you both got a laugh out of it. Been pretty serious around here lately - thought we could all use a laugh