Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)

Oh man so funny - cast a spell - lmao! I should flag and have it deleted but - can we just take a moment and have alittle bit of a snicker at this? Not sure how I missed it earlier - seems closed minded of me I guess which is wrong. Idk -

So - anyway - got alittle emotional a few times today. Had some issues with body memories today. Thoughts have been stolen a few times. Took the doggo's for a walk and a romp. Stopped into the green house - even stopped into the shop. Worked on cleaning up a log - Hoping it would help find - something. Lost art - talent. I'm alittle frustrated and alittle angry but the smell of cedar is soothing. Still wondering if some of it is not being able to wear my boots - broke my toe maybe 2 months ago - something like that. Haven't been able to wear boots since. I'm probably grasping at straws with the boot theory but hey -

Even had alittle something to eat - because a friend asked me to. It was forgotten yesterday with the meltdown that happened. So I'm feeling fairly - ok. Still alittle shaky from last night - trying to be cautious with triggers. Anxiety is alittle higher than it's been but I've been trying to ground myself and taking alot of deep breaths. They're alittle shaky but still deep.

Drip - drip - drip. I think I drain it faster than it fills. Dumb cup - maybe it has a hole in it or a crack. Maybe I just give too much away - IDk - doesn't feel like I give enough sometimes.

Sleep sucked - I can get to bed at a reasonable hour now - seems kind of pointless though. Fall asleep and up 2 hours later. It's not really sleep - more like - Idk let's just take a nap.

Anxiety is kind of high - on alert - almost like when the dogs catch something on the wind they might need to worry about. It's too far away to be of real concern but it is out there - so be prepared. Depression is still lurking in the back ground and doesn't take much for it to rears it's big beautiful head.

Doc Z today - undecided about that - there's been some rumblings and grumblings. Feeling alittle nauseous.

Ok so funny thought - let's get ready to rumble - in this corner - we have depression and over in this corner we have anxiety. Let's have a nice clean fight folks - no biting - scratching - no eye poking or pulling hair. Ding ding ding!

Had some little fits of time loss - I think its just dissociation - that disconnect. Lights are on but no one's home - I think that happens alot. Are you with me J?

Mirror mirror, tell me who you see
Am I you or me?
I can never remember
(But you can't hide forever)

Just don't - please - no sitting - no hand holding - no touching.

Anger was an issue this morning - has been building all day. Work up into well - yeah. I want this - ok? I'm paying for someone else's crimes - I want to feel this.

I have a confession - I really really screwed up this time. Trip to the er - mess to clean up. Upset dogs. Embarrassed and ashamed - and angry for being to amazingly stupid. A failure - that's me - she's got that right. Gonna catch h*ll from Doc Z - made no attempts to stop it - no calls - no reaching out. Just did it. Go big or go home.

Really low on words - well - maybe - maybe there's just too many of them and they don't make sense.

I'm sorry - for everything. For being a bad influence - for being a screw up and a failure. For all the times I don't have to words. Or at least not the right ones. I'm sorry for being me and sorry when I'm not me. Let's get all emotional now - yeah?

I don't feel like I deserve any understanding or compassion. From myself or anyone else. I deserve the suffering - the punishment.

Been having a problem with isolation. Anxiety says keep your mouth shut pita. Depression says it doesn't matter.

I hurt - all the time somedays - on different levels. I need a distraction from myself. Such an idiot - J. Idk - I often think maybe I shouldn't share things here - not sure why. Guess maybe I'm developing pre-post and panic now. Yay me!

God - just ignore this sh*t

Just a rant or a vent - some thoughts - and rhetorical questions *big word of the day*

I'm tired - headache

I wrote a bunch of stuff last night - but deleted everything. Also had a few times where I started and lost everything - thought wise - freaking thought thieves.

I heard a branch or tree crack last night - it has a very distinct sound. I caught myself wondering - is that how it sounded - that cracking shattering - splintering sound. Is that how it sounds when your mind shatters? Or was it just a slow bleeding fracture - like a fault line. Or maybe more like a crack in a pane of glass - how it slowly makes it's way to the edges of the window - going on and on until there's nothing more that can crack. Just steady and silent.

Depression and anxiety seem to be - Idk - it's a constant fight between the two. Kind of like a relay race I guess. One sprints ahead for a while - the other catches it's breath and then shoots forward - out distancing the other one. They're both a constant so there's that. Just one rears it's head alittle higher than the other at times.

Having problems with feeling unsure - Idk - it's frustrating not being real self confident. I don't understand I guess - how other people can be so sure of what they're saying - so at ease with themselves. I've never felt like that. I post and reply here and either immediately regret it or 30 minutes later freak out because I shouldn't have done it. I know I'm not the only one who does it.

Motivation or lack of it - I feel - lazy I guess. It's just not how I normally am. Always - move - move - move. If you keep moving - they can't get you. I miss not being able to work with my hands - idle hands - ya know? They get me into trouble. There's things I'm sort of interested in trying - but tbh - they're kind of dangerous since it involves high voltage and if my heads not there - well - I don't want to fry myself. Fried J ust doesn't sound good.

The Red Queen has been fairly quiet the past few days - at least since my lastest screw up. Although she did start alittle yesterday and was pretty vocal last night. I need to find her off button.

Back to this uncertainty - how about bravery? Because man - some people's bravery here just totally wow's me. Especially here - I wonder if they still experience the panic and post I feel when I put things on here. I mean wow - it took over an hour just to write this - type delete - distracted - side tracked - pet a dog - stand and rock - pace. It shouldn't be so freaking hard to find words - should it?

Now - lol - let's post and panic - for no reason.

@admaiorasemper Hey I hope you don't mind - I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for what happened with your thread. I hope I'm not re-opening things. I know it was a misunderstanding and I know it happens but man - they just came back swinging. I hope - well Idk - that's your space - I hope it doesn't change things for you or make you hesitant to use it for what you intended. I'm sorry V - this isn't coming out at all the way I want it to.

So Tigger says - are you ready for some bouncing? Because we may bounce around abit. Head has decided to be busy. So seat belts on - hands inside the vehicle at all times - please don't feed the animals - be prepared for sudden stops and starts. Oh and GPS is faulty and doesn't work here.

Uh - first - wow where to start first? How about walking gently in the lives of others. None of us really know's what we're going through. In some way or another - we're all in pain and suffering. While we shouldn't suffer in silence - we should also try not to take our suffering out on others. It's easy to lash out but once it's out there whether in a post or in our real lives - once those words leave our mouths - we can't take them back. Sure you can apologize but it's still out there - it's still remembered.

Anger - and quotes - and quotes about anger. If your emotion is anger - gently avoid the person you're angry with. Um - how do you avoid yourself? Because I think alot of times that who I'm angriest with.

Did you know you can put a 6 foot runner rug in a washer? You probably shouldn't - but you can.

Conversation about winter yesterday -

Z - boy this is a crappy winter day

It's not winter yet bud.

Z - it's not?

Nope - we're still in fall

Z - really?

Yep - really . Winter isn't until Dec 21st.

Z - really? When is it over?

Um - not sure tbh - sometime in March I think

Z - really?

* This went on for about 30 minutes and I ended up with a real thumper of a headache.

Having issues with the closet - might write about that later. Sort of bring the closet out of the closet - since the skeletons have started to emerge.

I know I joke around here alot sometimes - I make jokes to lighten it up because I have to. Call it a defense mechanism. Holding a light in the darkness - what ever. I have to do this - it's for me mostly. I understand the severity of what I'm going through - what I'm dealing with. What everyone else is dealing with. I'm not trying to down play anyones problems. But hey - if my joking about my stuff gives you a laugh or makes you smile - to me - that is awesome. Idk - maybe that doesn't sound right.

Alittle anxious now because I know this is getting long. I know alot of people don't like long posts. But this is me just clearing the headspace alittle - re-arranging things to make more room. For my convience - not yours. Dang - sounds harsh. Just if it's too long - don't read it. But don't tell me it's too long because I'm allready well aware it is.

Lol - I need to go. Need more rocket fuel. Now - moving on to the post and panic portion of the day.

Anxiety says - silence you peasant - you've spoken enough today! Seems appropriate I'm listening to Silent Theory

I usually go out in the woods when I feel like this - but the woods aren't safe today. 2 inches of rain yesterday and now high winds - it's just not safe. It doesn't feel safe. You can see the trees really swaying back and forth - hear the creaks and the groans from the strain they're under. Alot of them are huge trees - 80 ft tall at least. The sky has that iron grey rolling waves look to them. An autumn sky. The sun graces us every now and again - hiding up there amongst the clouds. Ominous looking clouds. Wow I'm making myself more anxious - diversionary tactic #2 deployed. Lol - make jokes.

For the record - I'm honoring someone's request to eat today so - I'm having some cheese and crackers while I type nonsense into cyber space.

Type - delete - weird thought from left field. Begone thought. Idk - can you over use your thread - Maybe Do people get tired of you - maybe. Do you get tired of yourself? You Have No Idea

Hmm - train of thought derailed - stupid conductor sleeping on the job again. Slow down on the turns you twit! Last surviving working brain cells gone in - 3 - 2 - 1

Worried - worried - worried. Talk too much - it doesn't make sense. Emotional and mental immaturity. God just shut the f**k up J. Wasting time - space - lives.

Why are you like this? Don't you know how to be normal? Normal people don't think and feel this way. Do you have any idea the trouble you cause me? It's always something with you isn't it? Don't you know how to behave? Act right! You're never going to amount to anything. God what an idiot you are. Must you always act so stupid? Just GROW THE FUCK UP already! Be afraid, you should be very afraid because there's you and then there's me and let me tell you buddy... you ain't shit.

Therapy today - things are alittle quieter. I feel drained. It would be nice to be able to sleep good once.

Anxiety was pretty bad this morning now it's just a constant hum. A low tone. Just faint enough that you know it's there. Oh course depression linger's - lurking in the back ground. I guess if I had to pick a word to describe th mood I'd probably go with subdued. Reflective - thoughtful

There's - How can I put this? There's people here on this site that give off a vibe - well - I mean everyone give off a vibe - but there's some people who just give off a vibe that kind of make you anxious. I guess because they feel volatile. It just doesn't take much to tick them off and make them just go off on people. I'm not sure where I was going with this. Idk - I guess I'm a a glutton for punishment - because even though there were problems before - I catch myself wanting to reach out. So far I keep pulling back because I just don't know. I tried before ya know? With certain people. But some people are kind of like vampires. They feed off your energy - I don't think they know that they're doing it. It just sort of happens. Tbh - there's days when I just don't have that much energy to spare. Sometimes I'll drain the cup - for certain people. Guess that sounds horrible on my part. I just realized this probably sounds pretty judgmental. Idk - I need to over think this.

I'm not a religious person. I haven't had many moments in my life to inspire faith. But it is a thought. Is that what's missing? I've had conversations with people about this before - Idk - I just don't get it. Is this what's missing? would that help bring peace? Like ok yeah here I am - and then what? Awash in a warm fuzzy feeling? A sense of direction? Purpose? Please don't think I'm passing any judgment if you are religious and go to church. If anything I'm alittle jealous that you do have that faith - that belief. I used to go to church when my grandparents were alive. All bright shiney faces - sunday best. Then the youth minister got busted . Kind of killed what faith might have been smoldering in the ashes. I think maybe there's just too much I don't understand - maybe I don't want to. Idk - let's over think this too.

Lol - does anyone else have an internal alarm that goes off and starts to flash when posts get too long?

1+1 = 2 but she'll convince you it's 3. You know you shouldn't believe her but she is an accomplished liar. A snake with 2 tongues. It's all your fault, she sneers. You are the reason, you freak, you monster. No one likes freaks or monsters. You try to lose yourself in the laughter of youth, but you feel an inconsolable sadness. So you weep for what was lost, childhood and innocence marred and stained. You weep, for what it was and for what it wasn't. You weep for how it is and how it isn't. You weep because there's nothing else you can do.