Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)

I think I deleted 90% of everything I wrote today. But it's like every word feels uncomfortable and foreign and I shy away from it. I'm really conflicted about something I did a few weeks ago. And then I recently did something else to contradict what I did before. Make sense. Nope - me either.

Hi J., just wanted to say a quick hello and leave some chocolate and wiskey. I hope you and your dog are ok. You are in my thoughts even if I am not writing lately

Depression - anxiety - depression - anxiety - restless - space cadet - cards. Oh wait 2 whole minutes where everything felt ok

Nvm

Idk man - maybe I'm allready dead amd this is hell

Thought it would be warmer

S-D-F! What if?

Fractures

Levels/degrees

Remember this! If I write it down she'll just throw it away.

Do you understand?

I thought I would give everyone an update on Taz. The vet ran a test, urine cortisol:creatinine test, to check the levels of cortisol and creatinine to compare the 2. The test has come back negative. According to this test she does not have Cushing's. There is another test that they can do that involves her staying at the vet's for over 8 hours. An ACTH: adrenocorticotropic hormone stimulation test. During this time they would draw blood and then inject her with a synthetic ATCH and then blood would be drawn again to compare the levels. This testing is very expensive and causes a great deal of stress to the dogs. We have opted not to have this done. She is showing no other signs of illness other then her liver enzymes are elevated. After discussing all this with the vet, we've decided to wait until September when they have to go in for their lyme booster. We'll have more blood drawn to see if there have been any changes and whether her counts have gone any higher. Hopefully they won't.

Thank you for sharing this with us <3

Not feeling too good today. Emotional - feeling sick to my stomach - physically hurt. Again -

Tired - whats new with that - right?

I'm tired of anxiety allways telling me to be quiet. Tired of second guessing everything I say and do. Tired of feeling broken
Ya know - sometimes I feel as though none of this is real. That I'm just fooling myself and everyone else. Wasting their time. Time they could spend helping - Idk - more deserving people. Damn self pitying - whining - complaining

Just shut up J

She named him Tyler. For months she seemed to really love him. He gave him to her. Then she started making noise about how he's so big she needs a lap dog. So he got her " the boys" and Tyler became like me - an inconvience. She hit him with her car - in the driveway. Blamed him for it too. Stupid dog. He was in the way. He should have moved. Sound should be outlawed right now

Too early for tears to start again - I'm sorry A

We pay for these crimes committed against us our whole lives. They've turned us into anxiety and depression soaked individuals. Constantly looking over our shoulders. Jumping at shadows. Outliers and out casts. Forever trying to assimilate and become one of the masses. Forever afraid that we have become the very things we hate most. Unfortunately no matter how hard we try it's inevitable. You can not grow up in a toxic environment without inhaling some of the fumes. Does that mean that we will become them? No. As with any illness there can be mutations. Like a recessive gene. The potential is there but if we don't really exercise it. It never has any foot hold. But why? What causes it it go no farther? Do we see something inside ourselves? Does something inside us recognize the potential threat? What keeps us from repeating the cycle? What is it that makes us say no more? Is the fact that we're breaking the cycle the reason the price we pay is so outrageously high? Part of that price includes the fare for our children. The price they would have paid had the cycle not been broken. We have paid a lifetime of dues.

Hey. I realised, I'm so shameful and dissapointed with myself. Please dont blame yourself for this.

I did not realise my selfish-ness thoughts that i'm the only person who is suffering and the rest of the world is like having no problems. - although in a way i know that everyone is dealing with some problem, but not to the extent that everyone has their dark/darkest moments (Not trying to compare, nor sympathising kind of feeling - i apologise again. trying to straighten my mind as much as possible)

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I am very sad to hear about your pains. I know I am having limited energy strength or capabilities to support, aid, give any kind of help. I see you have had sufferings, pain and had to endure through that hardships. I am deeply apologatic to hear that. All I can say for now, All I can do for now, is hope that after the time that had passed, you have better manage it and is/at a better place now than the past. At least in a safer mentality to have a safer life.

There is something that I like to share, but it is severely triggering. Hence I wont be sharing. Please seriously do proritise in taking good care of yourself, twistedsoul.