Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)

@mytwistedsoul,

Im so glad you had the courage to share your story. From what I can see you are very brave. Let me talk more about courage...

Courage is not the act of being fearless, for its the act of doing something terrfying, and you know its terrifying, but you do it anyway. Courage to me is when you do something, even though you know so much about every possible outcome, every danger, and every negative thing about what youre about to act on. Courage is when you go and fight because you know you can fight that battle, regardless of how much it will hurt, because it will all be worth it in the end. No matter how difficult or long it will take to win the battle, you still push through because you have courage.

mytwistedsoul, my dear, you can be courage itself. And dont you ever forget that.

I haven't harmed - god knows I wanted to. But I was afraid - Afraid I would take it too far or harm too hard. I was afraid - lol Sounds so - Idk There was a few - kinder - gentler voices that helped to over-ride the Queens voice. Thank you to those voices - Mere - Jess. I'm sorry I can't seem to find the words to properly thank you

I have tbh - I'm an emotional wreck today - I'm exhausted - Every muscle aches - and half the time I can't see what I'm typing through the tears - I really hate crying. It stops - it starts - gets worse - then alittle better. I'm not even sure why I'm crying. I guess it's better to let it out - then keep holding it in all the time

I know I need to stop putting everything into those boxes - I need to acknowledge and if not accept things - maybe make peace with them - make peace with myself - Peace with the fact that the past is the past and while it has molded me into who and what I am - it doesn't have to be what defines me. Idk - I hope that makes sense

As you can see - the thoughts are gentler today and I truely hope they'll stay for awhile. I hope that the compassion I feel towards myself today will - maybe be a stepping stone towards more compassionate days. A step towards hope for the future - of course - I do know myself well enough to know that I'll fall off this path and I'll probably find myself feeling the same way again - but it's a start - yeah? A start towards a better - Idk - tomorrow? Idk - theres alittle hope - ya know? That flicker of light - whether it's the flicker of hope or the flicker of candles of those who are trying to show me the way - I'll take it - I'll try to keep my eyes on that flicker and not let them look so far into the darkness

Good grief - I really should buy stock in Kleenex

@mytwistedsoul

Sometimes you have that ah ha moment. When you realize that the rules aren't the same for everyone. Sometimes the strength of it is staggering. You falter for a moment and you're practically struck dumb by the intensity of it. Anger rises. White hot. You shove it down and clench your teeth. Ignore it deny it. You hold your tongue because its what you do. Like a fucking moron too stupid to do anything accept apologize for being . What a fucking idiot you are.

I believe it happened by degrees. This silence. I think it may have started as a misunderstanding and escalated from there. Each problem cut a cord. I'm sure it's just the tip of it. Silence was learned first at home. Those first lessons are the hardest ones to let go. I'm aware of others reasons as well but those aren't to be discussed at the moment.

I'm doubt that I've been much help. I fear I may have lost all faith in humanity. J says he never had any faith to begin with. I think he has More Then he'll admit to. Sometimes we simply feel that we dont belong, anywhere. If you don't fit in with the rest of the misfits, what is left? I often wonder if the grandparents did a great disservice to us by keeping us sheltered and isolated. Yes, we were safe but at what cost? There is so much that isn't understood.

This pandemic hasn't helped either. It's not hard to self isolate when you've been doing it for years. The problem is stepping away from it and into the world again. Because the world is a scary place to begin with. Now it feels twice as scary. It's disappointing because we can't see Doctor Z and I worry that all the steps forward are becoming leaps backwards and this semi controlled chaos we have will once again be out of control. Granted, we can email him when ever or how ever many times we want or need. But we balk at that as well.

I think sometimes if the influence comes from multiple sources. I know the Queen is always an issue but I often wonder about Paul. So secretive. So angry. Yet... So sad and lost. Perhaps with time and patience.

Oh my, speaking of patience, I seem to have lost mine. I try to remember to be a gentle teacher but I must admit it is incredibly hard at times. I've realized I spend a lot of time feeling very irritable. I've snapped and yelled at the younger ones, often with no real reason. I regret it almost immediately after it leaves my mouth but the damage is already done by that point. I need to work on that.

I think the depression meds may need to be either upped or possibly changed all together. I don't feel that it's working as well as it was. Something to discuss with the doctor.

Logan

@mytwistedsoul

The silence swallows us. Senses we can not trust. Hunted by unseen horrors

Should I say thank you - for the poison you infected me with? We're well versed in silence but it comes with a cost it seems - because if it can't come out - it sits and it festers

I can't even make sense of these thoughts

We allready knew the world was a shit place - thank you for reminding us that there are no safe places Richard

@mytwistedsoul

🌌💙

She makes me feel ashamed