Hey this is me.... (possible trigger warning)
Hey, this is me.. some call me soul or twisted, either or is fine. I am of no importance and in all likelihood, in a few minutes I won't even be a fleeting thought in your mind. I spend all my time alone. Well I share my life with 2 dogs. My rescuers. I'm not used to asking for help, I'm not used to having anyplace to turn to . I have social anxiety, so this feels twice as hard as it should. I found an bottle of Wild Turkey in a cupboard this weekend ,so, I had a few swallows of liquid courage. Hey, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right? Yeah I know it's not helping my state of mind. Especially since I'm depressed. Lay on the floor, stare at the ceiling for hours depression. Same song on repeat. Rest stop by Matchbox 20. Not sure why I settled on that one. I think it's the lyric's.. Are you listening, can you hear me.. Have you forgotten.
Today make's it 11 days since I last self harmed. It's there though, in the front of my mind. I'm trying to fight it. I can see it in my mind. I do not want to do this. I don't. But it there, you know. It's always there..waiting, lurking, stalking. I catch myself staring at my hands, they aren't my hands. I mean they are but they seem to have a mind of their own. They are not my friends today. They want to reach for the sharpest tool I own and just cut. Tip to tip.
In the fleeting moment that I might cross your mind, Maybe just send a happy thought my way.
I guess I figured I'd write here - it's been months since this thread was used but it kind of seems right at this moment - after all this is where it all started I think. Four days ago was an anniversary for me here - three years since we've joined here - So I guess some reflections?
There's alot of mixed feelings still about this place - but there's alot of good - just a few sprinkles of bad but we're finally working through the bad and I think we can soon let it go - hopefully lol. We've met alot of really nice people here and a few not so nice people but we've learned from both
With the help of someone we've found places for the littles to go and interact with other littles safely and everyone seems alittle happier at times. We're very cautious about who we let interact with them. We make more of an effort to do little things here to have fun that aren't video games all the time - painting and coloring - reading. They have tablets now that are set up for them through parent controls and keeps them away from stuff they shouldn't be exposed to
We've been making more of an effort to organize things better - we used to have more organization but I think alot of that was with the grandparents help and now that they're gone - it's up to us - it's not something we're rushing through either. We're taking our time - there are a couple of different piles for things - pitch - keep - donate and I need to think about it - lol. Seems we have a hard time letting things go - not that we're hoarders or anything - but yet in a way we are. A ripped shirt will get hung in the closet for months or even years instead of being thrown away - that has to stop. Along with buying a sh*t load of food all the time. Mostly canned and stuff that keeps for awhile but we won't go hungry - we won't go without food or clothes - not ever again. But we understand why we do it now. We get healthier things at the store - of course there's still goodies bought but we buy alittle more fruit and make sure it's handy and easy to make stuff for the littles. We even organized the shop - it was starting to become a resting spot for all kinds of outdoors stuff lol and was in a bad way - hopefully now maybe there will be more of a desire to be in there - because I do miss building things - making nice things out of wood
We spend time with the neighbors sometimes and enjoy being helpful to them. It's nice but does cause anxiety sometimes - but there's no obligations to visit and no expectations - they're an older couple and I think that helps us feel alittle more at ease with them and they're aware that sometimes things are alittle different here. They were friends of my grandparents - but Idk what all they know and I haven't felt comfortable enough to bring it up or talk with them about anything big like this just yet - maybe some day
For today though - this is where it's at - The Queen hasn't been as bad - she still has her moments though - things she saw as a threat - are no longer a threat and no therapy for another two weeks - I guess there's nothing to bitch about lol
@mytwistedsoul
Its great that there’s no pressure from the neighbors to hang out with them :’) I’m in the process of cleaning out and organizing as well. Some days I can get rid of things easily and other days I can’t get over the emotional attachment haha. I’m confident you’ll be able to work in the shop again one (hopefully soon) day <3
It's been quite a long time since I've written here. In all honesty, this place has become a point of contention for me and I have lost all faith in humanity. From arguments between so called friends that end unresolved, to the constant unannounced changes. I find I have no real desire to come here much anymore. I feel, in all honesty, that this place is slowly dying and the powers that be seem to not notice, or if they do, they do not care. There seems to be quite a few people unhappy about the changes, which I understand you can't please everyone and at the end of the day it's all about the numbers, mostly in the form of dollar signs and technically this is a place of business. However, one would think that as a mental health website, they would take into account that unannounced changes cause some people problems. They would take into account that people might not like the idea of things they wrote being shared on other social media platforms. This is supposed to be an anonymous site. They ask for feedback but nothing comes of it. They tell you to "tag" certain names or to email but nothing comes of it. From what I've seen, people are still waiting to hear back from those tags. Although it is quite possible these were handled privately. Then there's the listeners. It seems that most of the good listeners aren't available for new chats. Many do have other roles they do here so its understandable that they haven't got the time or energy to deal with chats on top of those roles. With other listeners though, they disappear from chats with no warning. I've seen other members say that they were blocked unexpectedly or the listener they had disappeared. This causes people damage. It makes depression worse, it makes anxiety worse. People come here with expectations and yes, I'm aware there shouldn't be expectations but the whole purpose of the site is to be heard and receive support. I'm also aware that most of what happens here is voluntary. Which, one would think that they might be more open minded to the suggestions and wishes of those people. Simply put, this place wouldn't exist without those volunteers and members. In my opinion, there isn't much sense of community here anymore. This is disheartening because many of us wanted that sense of community, that sense of belonging. How do we get that back?
@mytwistedsoul
Please dont go :( Id be sad if you left before I age up
@sunshinegiraffe123 Hello Allie. :) It's okay, I was just airing out some thoughts. We certainly wouldn't miss you aging up. We can have a virtual party if you're up to it!
@mytwistedsoul
Let me see how I feel the day or well I guess days of aging up.. Sometimes new situations make me a little nervous but a party sounds amazing.
@sunshinegiraffe123 No problem! I completely understand, it's a very big time for you too, with many new things coming your way. There's no pressure at all alright?
I'd like to apologize to you too. I should have thought about this before I tagged you in that thread. I hope you didn't feel obligated to reply but I'm grateful that you did. It was very brave of you to share your thoughts there! ❤
@mytwistedsoul
I didn’t mind replying in that thread 💜. It’s about 2 months now till my birthday
@sunshinegiraffe123 It won't be long! ❤️