Letting down expectations (or disappointing on purpose)

I’m not sure exactly what I’m writing for.

So… alright. Uhhm, I had a pretty rough school year. I’ve felt constantly tired, trying to make plans that could fit both myself and school (often giving priority to school in the end). I think I got burned out, still dislike not knowing for sure because everything feels confused and foggy.

I’ve also seen how my friendships now are all pretty superficial and that it isn’t enough anymore and that some even drained me or just got me feeling conflicted a lot.

As for my family, I’ve never felt truly listened to. They are always stressed because of the lives they lead and not really emotionally present I guess.

And my interests easily turn into mere, empty distractions just like in this period, again.

Where am I going with this? Well, I’ve always been one of the top students. Not particularly brilliant, but keeping high scores at the expense of my health or needs.

I’ve reached a point though where I don’t want to keep going like this.

Next year is my last year in this school with long hours, lots of subjects, teachers bad at teaching or downright awful and overall indifference that plagues the institute.

I’m supposed to be on vacation, but I don’t really feel like I got a vacation from my own head that’s plaguing me with others’ expectations, my own ones, fears, doubts or existential worries. It’s like I keep absorbing it all and that it can’t stop.

The only thing that’s been making me sometimes feel a spark again or alive is when (only on specific days where I don’t do it out of a ‘I should’ feeling) I go on a walk or sit in nature alone for a while and then have the thought: “what if I disappoint on purpose next year?”

I got this thought where I feel that to stay true to myself I need to only study for specific hours (and not even every day if I feel exhausted that day) and be okay with lower scores (actually looking at how to do less and still ‘okay’) and with insufficient ones even, at times. I don’t even need high ones for the school I’ve chosen next.

Why have I written all of this here?

I’m still not sure.

Maybe I’d like to hear about other students or people who understand this and hear out their thoughts. ‘Cause I’ve been feeling pretty alone in what feels like a ‘ridiculous inner revolution’ of mine.

Maybe I just want to know that I’m not over-dramatic and that maybe my idea isn’t stupid or set in the wrong direction. I’m aware you can’t actually know my full case, but I’m interested in your case anyway. I only ask of honesty, thanks.

I can’t shrug off the idea that how I feel or perceive all of this isn’t enough to justify what I want to do.

That if others can do it and can do more without complaining, then I must too.