Forgiveness Letter to Myself

I am working through a program and part of it is forgiving those that have hurt me in the past. My first letter is to myself because I think that I have probably done the most damage. Here it is...

I am so fed up with myself, my actions. I am angry with myself that I keep failing and I really hate myself for it. I just keep doing the same harmful things and I am ruining my life. I can't lose weight because I keep drinking and I am stuck in a never ending cycle of guilt and shame. I have had enough and I do not want to deal with this person anymore. I suck as this person. I am angry that I let my brother and cousin abuse me for so many years. I am angry that I let so many men after that take advantage of me because I felt like that was all I had to offer them.

I have caused myself so much unnecessary pain over the past years. The constant disappointment with repeated failed attempts at sobriety just make me more and more angry with myself. I have hurt my kids too by not being 100% there. I am losing out on memories and time with them and that is the saddest thing ever. I am missing out on good men by pushing them away.

I have created so much self-doubt within myself because of all the shame. Shame is a constant negative feeling, a feeling of emptiness that I am addicted to and afraid that I cannot get rid of. I am scared that if I do not start loving myself now that I will never stop drinking and I will never be happy. I am afraid that I am teaching my children that they are not worthy of love because that is what they see in me. I am afraid that I will never have a relationship and no man will ever be able to love me.

I am apologizing to myself for not taking care of me. I am truly sorry. I have to own all the decisions that I made. While my childhood trauma played a large part, it was me that made the decisions. I make the decision everytime to drink. I make the decision to let men use me. I make the decision to buy alcohol at the store. I tell myself I am not worthy, no one else does that.

All I really wanted was someone, my parents, an older sibling, a teacher, anyone, to see that I needed help. I tried to let them know that I needed help, I screamed for it but no one cared. I was only 6 when it started and when I was 12 I turned to drugs. Then I would not come home for days at a time. Maybe if I would have been caught by the police for using, they could have helped. All I wanted was someone, anyone to notice me but I was left to try to take care of myself. Now as an adult, all I want is to learn to love myself and take care of myself. I have not been doing a good job at that though. I have wanted to quit drinking for a long time but I have not been able to.

I understand why it has been so hard for me to overcome the shame. "Shame can affect literally every aspect of a former victims life, from your self-confidence, self-esteem, and body image to your ability to relate to others, navigate intimate relationships, and be a good parent to your work performance, ability to be learn new things, and ability to care for yourself. Shame is responsible for myriad personal problems, including: self-criticism and self-blame; self-neglect; self-destructive behaviors (such as abusing your body with food, alcohol, drugs, or cigarettes, self-mutilation, or being accident-prone); perfectionism (based on fear of being caught in a mistake); believing you dont deserve good things". The shame has caused me to turn to alcohol. I forgive myself for not quitting drinking yet. I forgive myself for the self-sabotage because I understand why I did it. All I can do now is continue working through this and growing.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/201501/healing-the-shame-childhood-abuse-through-self-compassion