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AutumnRain21
1,746 M Hopeful Heart
PathStep 22 Compassion hearts47 Forum posts27 Forum upvotes37 Current upvotes37 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2023 Member sinceJanuary 26, 2018
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Morning depression. Suicide trigger warning
Depression Support / by AutumnRain21
Last post
 April 11th, 2023
...See more I am struggling with mornings. Before I am even conscious the thoughts of suicide enter my brain. They are fast. This is the only time I think about it and it is passive. I have no intentions of actually following through. I hate failing like this.
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Morning depression. Suicide trigger warning
Depression Support / by AutumnRain21
Last post
 April 11th, 2023
...See more Suicide trigger warning For the past couple months I have been struggling with waking up. Every morning before I am fully awake, I have thoughts of shooting myself. It is so hard actually getting out of bed after this. I am a single mom of 2 and the only income so I have to get up. I guess I am wondering if this happens to anyone else. Is there a name for it.
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Forgiveness Letter to Myself
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by AutumnRain21
Last post
 September 10th, 2018
...See more I am working through a program and part of it is forgiving those that have hurt me in the past. My first letter is to myself because I think that I have probably done the most damage. Here it is... I am so fed up with myself, my actions. I am angry with myself that I keep failing and I really hate myself for it. I just keep doing the same harmful things and I am ruining my life. I can't lose weight because I keep drinking and I am stuck in a never ending cycle of guilt and shame. I have had enough and I do not want to deal with this person anymore. I suck as this person. I am angry that I let my brother and cousin abuse me for so many years. I am angry that I let so many men after that take advantage of me because I felt like that was all I had to offer them. I have caused myself so much unnecessary pain over the past years. The constant disappointment with repeated failed attempts at sobriety just make me more and more angry with myself. I have hurt my kids too by not being 100% there. I am losing out on memories and time with them and that is the saddest thing ever. I am missing out on good men by pushing them away. I have created so much self-doubt within myself because of all the shame. Shame is a constant negative feeling, a feeling of emptiness that I am addicted to and afraid that I cannot get rid of. I am scared that if I do not start loving myself now that I will never stop drinking and I will never be happy. I am afraid that I am teaching my children that they are not worthy of love because that is what they see in me. I am afraid that I will never have a relationship and no man will ever be able to love me. I am apologizing to myself for not taking care of me. I am truly sorry. I have to own all the decisions that I made. While my childhood trauma played a large part, it was me that made the decisions. I make the decision everytime to drink. I make the decision to let men use me. I make the decision to buy alcohol at the store. I tell myself I am not worthy, no one else does that. All I really wanted was someone, my parents, an older sibling, a teacher, anyone, to see that I needed help. I tried to let them know that I needed help, I screamed for it but no one cared. I was only 6 when it started and when I was 12 I turned to drugs. Then I would not come home for days at a time. Maybe if I would have been caught by the police for using, they could have helped. All I wanted was someone, anyone to notice me but I was left to try to take care of myself. Now as an adult, all I want is to learn to love myself and take care of myself. I have not been doing a good job at that though. I have wanted to quit drinking for a long time but I have not been able to. I understand why it has been so hard for me to overcome the shame. "Shame can affect literally every aspect of a former victims life, from your self-confidence, self-esteem, and body image to your ability to relate to others, navigate intimate relationships, and be a good parent to your work performance, ability to be learn new things, and ability to care for yourself. Shame is responsible for myriad personal problems, including: self-criticism and self-blame; self-neglect; self-destructive behaviors (such as abusing your body with food, alcohol, drugs, or cigarettes, self-mutilation, or being accident-prone); perfectionism (based on fear of being caught in a mistake); believing you dont deserve good things". The shame has caused me to turn to alcohol. I forgive myself for not quitting drinking yet. I forgive myself for the self-sabotage because I understand why I did it. All I can do now is continue working through this and growing. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-compassion-chronicles/201501/healing-the-shame-childhood-abuse-through-self-compassion
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99% committed
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by AutumnRain21
Last post
 September 4th, 2018
...See more I feel like I need to be 100% comitted to my goals otherwise there is room to fail. If I am only 99% committed then I still have that wiggle room of 1 %. It does not sound like much but it is just enough to talk myself into a drink. My goal is for 30 days. Today is day 2 and it was rough making it through the night without going to the store. I am having trouble getting to 100%.
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When will it end
Addiction Support / by AutumnRain21
Last post
 July 30th, 2018
...See more I have been drinking for 12 years. My blood pressure, cholesterol, triglycerides, and blodd sugar are all elevated. I have a lot of fat around my belly and my face is super bloated. I have ried every medication and program available to me but I just can't stop drinking. I have been hungover all weekend from Friday night drinking. I just do not know why I keep drinking or why I can't stop. I am tired.
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Too much pressure on dating and sex...I need to just work on myself
Trauma Support / by AutumnRain21
Last post
 February 27th, 2018
...See more I need to focus on me. I met a man and ever since then I have been stressed. I have been drinking too much, anxious, depressed, self conscious... All I could think about was "will he like me", "I like him so much", "he is perfect for me", "when will he call me again", "he is not calling because I did/said this", "I am an idiot", "I am ugly, there is no way he is going to like me". I went on a third date and had sex with him. I told him beforehand that if I have sex to early that I end up feeling a lot of shame and guilt (efffects of childhood sexual abuse). I have now deleted his number and he is no longer talking to me. He is an ass. I am an idiot. I need to work on myself but I don't think that I will ever be stable enough to be in a relationship. I am 36 years old and really the one thing that I want in life is to feel loved by a man.
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Shame after sex
Trauma Support / by AutumnRain21
Last post
 February 25th, 2018
...See more I was molested from ages 6-11.... As an adult, everytime I meet a man I rush into bed. After sex, I feel a lot of shame and expect him to leave. I tend to get very anxious and annoyed when he does not call or text right away. I seriously drive myself crazy. This is a recent thing and I had a dream last night that I was singing hopelessly devoted. WTF. I seriouslu just met the guy. It is so annoying. Why do I feel shame? Why can't I just have sex? Why do I want to have sex so soon but then I do not really even like it. It is not even enjoyable. I actually have to be pretty tipsy to be able to go through with it.
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Life goal of feeling loved
Depression Support / by AutumnRain21
Last post
 January 27th, 2018
...See more I have never felt loved. My mom has 12 children. I was number 8 and was just left to figure things out on my own. I had no supervision or rules, no safety or security. My father was just an ass. Because of this I have always chosen men that made me feel like my dad did because that's what I knew. The one thing that I have always wanted in life was to really feel loved. I have been a single mom for 16 years. I have never lived with a man or felt safe/secure/loved by any man or woman. I know that someone could love me if I find that person and I actually let them in but how do I get to that place?
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