Marriage breaking because i finally want to be seen
Hi everyone! I have been struggling, I’ve been having sober stretches here and there since 2017, after drinking every day for the last 15 years. This last time has been about four months, and each time I notice it affecting my 10 yr marriage because I realize how self absorbed he becomes. It worked out fine when both of us were in our own worlds, but when I come out of the fog I realize how much I crave connection and how much I just want to be seen and supported.
Also, everyone around me in my life, including childhood, always pretending like everything was fine, pushing things under the rug and acting normal when things were really not. I feel like I am going crazy when he does this now. I’ll bring up a heavy topic and 10 minutes later it’s like it never happened. I’ll tell him I’m under the weather and it just… vanishes. I feel like a ghost here and I hate how cliche that is.
I have tolerated his stuff for over a decade and his lack of support (I found support in wine all that time.) We’ve had some hard convos recently including me asking if he just doesn’t care. He’s in therapy and getting support for his emotional and childhood stuff. But he also just identified to me that his parents got divorced when his mom wanted to get away from his father and pursued a career late in life (how he processed it.) So it’s like built into him to get insecure when I pursue my dreams. He’s supporting me now but in the past especially when I went back to school, he was a real assh^% about it.
I’m mad at myself for tolerating all of this, and mad at him for all of it now, despite the fact that he’s actively trying now. It feels too late. But we also have two small kids.
I’m evolving and coming into my own so much these last handful of years, sometimes it feels that he’s only creating obstacles to this.
I could use support from anyone who’s been in a similar boat. Thank you for listening. ♥️
I haven't been in your "shoes," but I wanted to say that I hear you. You're saying you want your husband's attention and he's not giving it to you. May I ask if he's also addicted to alcohol? Also, what have you tried to do to work on things - both for your marriage and alone for yourself?
Thank you for this reply. He actually also stopped when I did, but he didn’t have the relationship with alcohol I do, he never really liked it much except for taking the edge off social situations and rarely went beyond one or two max. The main thing we had done is talking, but that was keeping us awake till all hours and sleep deprived, which doesn’t help (we have two tiny people so we’re up early.) This question made me think what we’re doing to take care of ourselves, and I think that’s a major issue—both feeling very depleted. I noticed recently when we laughed together this all felt lighter. We haven’t had time to really be a couple, I’m sure that’s a big issue here. We both do therapy and lots of reflection, but the joy piece needs more focus for sure.
@consideratePomegranate7372
I am in a similar situation, where the partner pretends that things are ok when I try to talk about problems. When I will ask her what she thinks of it, she will say nothing, or simply ''mmhmm'' to cut the conversation short. She will even say ''what problem?'' when i bring it back up only a few minutes later.
I think for her (and maybe the case of your husband) their bad coping mechanism is denial / deflection. They will fake that everything is alright because they are trying to protect themselves, running away forever and making it worst as the issues build up over time.
And that maybe if he becomes aware that he is doing that, he will notice when it's happening and at least try to deal with the issues you bring up instead of vanishing in make belief world hoping it goes away.
I understand this is difficult, but I think the key word in your message is that he is trying, which means there is a possibility it will work out with effort on his part. Or maybe even if he figures out why he does that, he can help you to help him. Maybe there's an other way to approach him that wont make him close off and dismiss you.
*I'm not a therapist or a listener. Just a normal person with similar issues to you.
Thank you so much for this. I think I needed to hear that piece about highlighting that he’s trying. So much messaging is about people never changing and old habits sticking, and that scares me. But you’re right, he is trying. A lot. He went back into therapy recently and just a couple days ago shared part of his reasons for deflecting. So the awareness is there. It’s on me that I now get SO triggered when the patterns happen (bc we can’t unsee them now) but some patience is definitely in order. I also brought up that I want to argue with him, lol. Seems counterintuitive but he actually expressed his reasons why that scares him (past childhood stuff.) So we’re trying to be more expressive in the moment. I’m trying not to swallow my feelings (that I used to later drown in alcohol) and he’s trying to feel ok with the confrontations. How’s all by you now?
@consideratePomegranate7372
I'm happy to hear that he is aware. And that you can share past traumas to understand how to undo habits and defensive barriers. I think if you both work together as a team, it will turn out fine!
On my part, it has been very difficult. She roller coasters between denial and then saying she is a horrible person, making me console her of hurting.. me.
I have decided that the only thing i can do is work on myself. If you see yourself / put yourself as a priority, others will see you in this way also. And so I am trying to break the habit of being myself and work on undoing my bad habits, which include pulling myself out of a suffering state. It is difficult for me because in my head I deserve the suffering, and so i keep myself there. Pulling myself out makes my body and head tell me stuff to put me back ''in my place''.
I think stopping alcohol is a good step in living my feelings, and not using it as a bandaid to any frustration, sadness, or stressful event.
