Trying to reconnect with my ex but she is a high functioning alcoholic
I have recently tried to reconnect with my ex wife in hopes that we can work through our past issues and see how things work out. We have been divorced over two years but we live in the same city and I am very close to her son, I think of him as my own. I love her very much but one of the main reasons I decided for a divorce initially was because she treated me very poorly. When we were married she would hide her drinking from me but I always knew the signs. When she drinks she gets absolutely hammered, the thing is though, she works 50-60 hrs a week and is able to function just like she hadnt been drinking at all. She is extremely responsible with finances, her son and work. Anyways, as a result of drinking (when she is drunk) she makes decisions that dont support a fruitful or meaningful relationship.
She mainly comes over to my house when she wants sex, I can typically smell alcohol on her breath when she is here. To boot, she recently told me she has another boyfriend that she had been hiding from her son for 5-6 months now. I only recently found this out after the fact of starting to reconnect. Point is, we do love each other and I was hoping to work through some things with her so we could potentially try and move forward. She tells me I am the love of her life but her behavior suggests otherwise and her drinking is a huge concern. I really just want to cut her off completely because I have already caught her lying to me about this secret boyfriend.
@DTW2001 Hi there DTW, welcome to the community! We are happy to have you here with us. I'm so sorry to hear what has been going on with you, your ex, and her son. I highly laud you for doing your best to work things out. I can only imagine how conflicted you feel about cutting her off completley. How have you been coping lately?
Feel free to check out these links for further help and support.
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Whatever you decide to do, I'm sure it will be for the best and done with great thought. We are here for you! If you have any concerns or questions, let us know. Best wishes! :)
You are having a hard time moving on from the marriage, yet - on the other hand - your ex-partner knows this vulnerability and is wanting sex when she's had a few alcoholic drinks.
You've been divorced for two years now and the reason your relationship ended was because she treated you unfairly throughout the marriage. It's only fair to be honest and say that she is still treating you unfairly.
It appears that your ex-wife is brilliant when it comes to 'hiding things'. She was hiding her drinking from you. Her son would likely have not seen her drinking either. What about her new boyfriend? How much of the drinking does he know about?
Much of this situation depends on what you really want and what effect it is having on your own life. The problem appears to lie with the fact that you are unable to move on.
Your ex knows you are not able move on and is taking advantage of your predicament to fulfill her own needs.
You also discuss her drinking and use the term 'high functioning alcoholic'. Your description of her dealing with the alcohol addiction does sound rather commendable.
There is the question of how well she manages her job, finances and the home. Has she got some spellbound colleagues at her place of work covering for any mistakes she has made during the working day?
How well is she really managing the finances? Yes. She is clever. However. Do bare in mind that your ex could well be giving the impression that the finances are in order.
Yes. Your ex-wife may be a high functioning alcoholic. However. That does not mean she is physically and psychologically well for it. Both herself and everyone around her will genuinely believe that she is coping amazingly.
It is likely that many people will not know about her drinking because - as with any addiction/misuse - it can be very cleverly concealed. A person experiencing your wife's circumstances can be very deceptive and manipulative in order to keep their misuse out of the public eye.
Moving on to your ex-wife's home life. This is a situation in which people are going to get hurt at some point.
Let's take a look at the 'new boyfriend' situation. Your ex-wife has had a new boyfriend for the past 5 months and not yet told her son.
It would not be unreasonable to make the presumption that she is not too forthcoming about your sexual encounters with the new man in her life.
There is a part of you that wants to 'cut her off completely' - as you have written in your post - and that really is going to be the important area to work on. No matter how hard that is going to be for you, this will need to be your goal.
You are in a 'love triangle' which - let's be honest - is going to end unhappily.
Your ex appears to be using you and there does appear to be an element of control going on here.
At the end of the day, it's time to accept that this arrangement will not rekindle the failed marriage.
Having someone over for sex is about choices and so long as nobody gets hurt in the process, that's fine. However. Your situation is rather more complex because people are going to get hurt.
It's understandable that you wish to continue the relationship with her son and arrangements could be made between you both for that.
You've not mentioned her son's age or his own personal circumstances.
However. It's time to let go and 'call time' on your arrangement. One way or another, you must move forward yourself and put this marriage behind you.
Wish both her and the new partner well and make arrangements should you wish to be involved with her son.
This is your time to move forward, consider yourself and the opportunities that are ahead.