Almost clean…Almost free…
In the past 7 years of using, I got to know methamphetamine, heroin, OxyContin, tramadol, amphetamine, MDMA, LSD, DMT, NBOMe, DOB, cocaine, phenazepam, pregabalin, barbiturates. Not out of stupidity, and not for fun. I was already an adult. It was a conscious choice. Alone, not with friends. Sometimes to silence the noise. Sometimes to figure out what the *** was going on inside me.
Now I’m on methadone maintenance therapy. I didn’t come to it on my own — life pushed me there. We’re expecting our second child, a son. And that gives me strength to keep going, to stay focused, to not give up.
But I’m scared. Scared to lower the dose. Scared to quit. Because I know what can come back: withdrawal, insomnia, that adrenaline-fueled emptiness, inner collapse. I’ve been there. I don’t know if I can survive it again.
I’ve been smoking marijuana for over 15 years — since I was 10. It’s always been there. Now — every day. Psychiatrists say: let it be, better that than a full relapse. But I want to live without it. I want to breathe freely again. And I honestly don’t know how.
I’ve also been prescribed heavy antipsychotics and mood stabilizers — for life. But I don’t want to be under them forever. I don’t want “chemical peace” at the cost of who I am. I want to be alive, not just manageable.
I’m not trying to sound strong or broken. Just one of those who made it — and is now learning how to live with it.
Tell me how you made it through. What helps you stay on track when energy runs out and the past starts pulling you back?
If you’ve figured something out — do a good thing and share it.
Keep it short. Keep it real. Keep it honest.
@LpSyD
Dear LpSyD,
Short.
Real.
Honest.
Sharing here on this site, reaching me and others reading, is yet another in the many little actions that you’re taking to become a better, even the Best, person, for your already-here child, and soon-to-be child.
Doing something positive, even if it is “only” so your child can enjoy a childhood during which you exert every opportunity to “show up” for your child, can go a long way in breaking any cycle of trauma that past events, brain wiring, or environmental stressors barraged you with, not saying these factors as excuses, but it’s common within this mixed up world.
Here are some things I did to stay sane:
1. I add a passage to my journal, “Good things are always happening to me,” every day, to exploit the gratitude of waking up in the morning. The passage can be as simple as: I’m alive. Or, as complex as an essay about a rain-kissed rose I spotted when retrieving the morning newspaper.
2. Kept on top of the medical stuff. I keep appointments, try to listen to the docs while advocating for my own needs. (With doc’s supervision, titrated off meds, carefully noting how I felt very step of the journey.)
3. Looked at any setbacks as part of learning about myself and how to create better coping avenues within my environment.
4. I surround myself with cheerful and positive people. I cut off or severely limit contact with people who drain my energy.
5. Don’t be afraid to ask: “Is this good for me?”
6. Tune into my feelings: am I angry? Overwhelmed? Bored? Or the classic mental health HALT: Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired?
7. Naps are under-rated.
8. So is the power of reaching out, forming new communities, sharing.
9. The past is a bucket of ashes. Live in the now.
10. Be the story you want to tell your grandkids someday.
I hope this passage was short, real and honest, and welcome to the community. Some exceedingly kind people here.
Love and Courage,
Calm Rosebud
Image of rain-kissed roses attached for tax. Real roses from our real garden.
