Lectured once again and told again that I have a problem
I recently got my first DUI. I use to drink very heavily in my 20's and it did altered my life path...I see and admit that. I feel wise and mature enough at this point in my life to know I messed up and it was never an active choice for this to happen (after my 20's). I feel like because I have such a bad track record in a sense of drinking, my mom and stepdad still see me as who I was and not that I made a terrible mistake. I got this DUI and I didn't even remember driving. Although I used to drink to an extreme I wouldn't blackout. I at least would have the capacity to half decent qdecisions on not to play with fate.
But on this hateful night, at 31, I blacked out and still chose to drive home, needless to say I don't remember.
That has never ever happened before*** I had just broken up with the love of my life and I made a bad choice to drink until I felt better and to leave a place of business to go pick up my dog from my ex's house.
No one was injured and there was no significant damage but any way you've cut it I'm in the wrong and I know that. I have been back in therapy and attending virtual AA meetings since it happened.
Of course I'm worried about the legal ramifications but I hired an attorney to take care of those things for me. I pray they are able to reduce whatever happens.
But I can't hire someone to fix my heartache and I'm just trying to make myself better.
My problem with drinking is because I casually drink there's a hard time knowing when to stop if I'm not sloppy drunk. After attending enough therapy, I understand my alcoholic father and his side of the family has normalized drinking in my eyes from a very early age. And my mother and her side of the family is normalized explosive rage and anger.
When will the world know that I have really grown and that I am trying with all my might to become better. Drinking as much as I did and driving was obviously the worst decision I could have made. But because of who I used to be. There's no way people believe me that I'm doing better, everyone thinks I'm sick and that I still have the problem that I'm not choosing to face. That's the most frustrating part...
Idk what the point of this post was but I really feel that I had to share.
@goldenBranch8894
Drinking is normalized most everywhere.... it sounds like you are a functional alcoholic that for the most part can do everyday life. My partner was like that he had a few DUI and while that can be expensive and a pain to solve. My partner "attended" AA meetings but did not really participate only a show up to get credit looks good for court, right ?
Parents or friends may talk to you about past and now trying to convince you but unless you see a problem it won't matter. I gave my partner far more benefit of the doubt then I should have but it was not the tons of money spent on dealing with the DUI or the things we could have done it is his health is now failing and many are attributed to his prolonged alcohol use.
Sorry you have had a relationship fail and most can understand the heartache and wanting to be numb but this is not time for someone else to lecture....... but maybe you look beyond the idea of " wow i have never blacked out and drove etc" and really think about your drinking... we can rationalize and excuse to others it is if we can make excuses we BELIEVE.
I feel your suffering. It’s not easy to deal with a problem with alcohol. I’ve blacked out myself many times but never outside of my own home. I’ve done damage in other ways such as messaging or emailing people saying mean things. I learned from this and figured out how to handle it. When you black out your subconscious part of your mind takes over. And it will wreck havoc on you unless you can learn to control it. I understand that this sounds very strange but trust me, you can do it. To do this you need to keep telling yourself while in a sober state that you will not do these things ever. It’s kinda like a personal mind control. I understand that this is a hard thing to do and it takes a lot of self control. Or you can just quit drinking alcohol. That’s way easier…
