Ex

I don’t know if this is the right section but I feel the way everything became, this is where to start even if by purely admitting to myself the addiction. My addiction. Meth.

6yrs later….

2yrs since seen or spoken….

Here I am.

He is in gaol, not a completely uncommon situation.

He has called a few times… I don’t answer.

Ofcause he calls now, to guilt me over his circumstances and also for money…..all I was ever good for, not that I have or come from money but am the only one who cares so much and gives so much. Too much. Bad for him and me….makes me question if he even ever did love me or was it to use me this whole time.

I have to own that I allowed myself to be used, wanted to show love…be love….have love to only find myself broken and questioning my worth.

I didn’t respect myself, how could he yet why was I not enough for his love….

I wonder if they call it ice because it freezes over your soul.

Why would someone you love let you use with them and inject you when you ask? Why would you ask someone struggling with addiction in the first place?

Why to have light must we know true darkness and why am I here….now….lost despite all the abuse that should have me be lucky am still alive!!?

I had choice….

Meth is to blame?

How can I forgive myself without the acceptance of the role of Meth and then not forgive him who too is under drug influence….battling heroin and Xanax also…..

I want so much to speak to him, I love him or maybe still just want to believe I had my fairytale despite the nightmare. I don’t want to acknowledge such evil, how can such evil exsist. I want to believe after all this time he will make it better……

take away the cheating

take away the abuse and letting me sell myself

I can blame him…. I let myself…. AHHHHHHHH

I want to hear his voice and hear him out

i hate it takes him being in gaol to reach out AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH