Why do I keep on coming back to meth?
I've been trying to quit this *** for the better part of 3, coming up on 4 years. I've learned a lot about what triggers me, I know how to play the tape all the way through, I know box breathing and all it's variations, I know just about everything that should be able to keep me from relapsing. But time and time again I find myself back in the exact same ***.
I was clean about 3 months this time around, never had much longer than 8 months consecutively. I've seen this drug take everything from me and leave me with nothing but a Stockholm syndrome with meth at the helm of my obsession. It's not like I don't want to quit... I want nothing more in this life than to be free of this damn drug. I don't want to live in chains my whole life, so why do I always, always, always make the same decision to lock myself right back up into the *** I know will destroy me?
My mom found me out the other day. She called me a "*** idiot" and said I "deserve to feel like ***" and I'm thinking she's right. Because no man in their good sense and honest word could be in the situation I'm in and have been for so long. Most of my entire adult life has been taken by this drug, I'm 23 and have been struggling with addiction since 19.
Who can I really blame but myself though... Nobody put the pipe to my mouth. Nobody held me down and stuck a needle in my arm. Nobody forced me to sniff a line. I do it all to myself just fine enough and every day too. Childhood trauma can only excuse my severe intellectually lacking self destructive decision making for so long...
I wonder who I would have been if I had never decided to take this awful drug.
Will this ever end?
@JustaJunkie hey man, i feel u fr ive been there and i know the struggles. addiction is rly a *** and quitting sucks *** and ik its hard af. what helped me was having a friend who wasnt a junkie and who was dead set on me quitting to hold me back. withdrawal was an absolute hellhole and it was awful but i mean u gotta do what u gotta do. then after i would still keep in touch with said friend to like try n keep ya responsible n have someone check in. also someone to go to when u js feel like u have to use. ik its hard to quit man n im hella proud of u for trying this long. keep going gng, keep trying, believe in ya
If others did it, you can to. Never stop believing that you can recover because no one that ever recovered ever thought they could. But they kept going. You want to know how you would have been without drugs ? Keep going. You ll know it sooner than you think.
If others did it, you can to. Never stop believing that you can recover because no one that ever recovered ever thought they could. But they kept going. You want to know how you would have been without drugs ? Keep going. You ll know it sooner than you think.
@JustaJunkie I’m really glad you said all of this out loud. What you’re describing isn’t stupidity or weakness. It’s what happens when a very powerful drug collides with a young brain and a nervous system that learned early on how to survive pain.
Meth doesn’t just create cravings. It rewires motivation, stress, memory, and identity. So even when you know the tools, know the consequences, and genuinely want to stop, another part of your brain is still running the show. That’s why it feels like you’re choosing it even while hating it. It isn’t a lack of insight. It’s conditioning at a survival level.
Something people don’t say enough is that relapse after months clean doesn’t mean nothing worked. It means you built some capacity, and then your system got overwhelmed again. Three months is not nothing. Eight months is not nothing. Those are signs you can live without it, even if you haven’t stayed there yet.
The shame you’re carrying, especially after what your mom said, is heavy. Shame doesn’t fix addiction. It fuels it. Wanting to be free this badly tells me there’s still a strong part of you that hasn’t given up, even if you feel exhausted and broken.
You’re 23. Your brain is still healing and still capable of change. This doesn’t end by beating yourself into submission. It ends when the load you’re carrying finally gets lighter than the drug.
You’re not asking the wrong questions. And no, this isn’t how your story has to end, even if it feels endless right now.
