Healing from past abusive friendships
Nearly three years ago, I cut all ties with an autistic daughter and her mother because they proved to be abusive friends who were extremely toxic. Though I have not seen them in a couple years, there is a lot of damage that was done.
For that reason, I have been experiencing a lot of anger towards them for the way they they mistreated me. I am angry because these are people who tend to think they are right all the time. However, I realize that anger is covering up hurt feelings because I thought they were my friends.
@Summershy
I can hear the hurt in your words here. It is painful when we recognize that we have been betrayed by people we thought were friends, but don't let the anger toward them take up more of your time and energy because they don't even deserve that from you.
Focus on yourself and building new relationships with people who will love you and treat you the way you deserve❤️
@Summershy
There are days where I would love to tell them off for all the bad things they did and said to me but I know it won't make any difference and especially people who have a self-righteous complex. People like that will always find a way to play the victim and start blaming you.
Additionally, they have the tendency to act like are A-list people in my city who thinks everyone should just bow down to them. When in reality, they are just average people who are full of themselves.
Regardless, what are some good ideas of coping when I feel this angry?
@Summershy I read your post and wow - it's like you took the words right out of my mouth! I'm so sorry you went through this too with people you thought were your friends. I know what you mean about wanting to tell them off and like you said - to tell them off would just have them turning things around and it would end up being made out to be all your fault. They'll never admit that they did anything wrong and they'll never apologize and they never seem to really care about the damage they've done to people. Been there - done that myself. All it did was made me feel worse about myself. I've found that it helps to talk to someone about it. I know it may not seem like much but it helps me to see just how truly toxic the other person was/is when I lay it all out. You could try writing them a letter - you don't actually have to send it to them of course but it would give you a chance to write everything down and get it out of your head
I hope it gets better for you ❤️
@mytwistedsoul
1. I am currently working through this situation with my counselor
2. I have written one fake letter
However, I am talking about circumstances where I have triggers and start feeling the anger in really awkward times.
@mytwistedsoul
Luckily,
They moved a half hour away from my city and have seemed to be drifted apart from my other friends and have seemed to move on with their lives.
However, no only are they self-righteous and arrogant, but they are also extremely phony and self-absorbed people as well. Honestly, one would think her mother would know better based on her age but some of the things that she would pull on me were very immature.
That said, we ended up that relationship for the wrong reasons being that the daughter and I both autistic. That said, we were just not compatible.
- I am a level 1 autistic, and she is a level autistic and behaves like a 10-year old though she is 38.
- She and her family are negative influences when it comes to people with disabilities.
- They like to put all disabled people into stereotypical boxes which I didn't fit into. So, they didn't like me for those reasons. They were also extremely jealous
@Summershy I'm glad to hear that they moved away and aren't hanging around with your other friends. That way they're not there as a constant reminder for you. It sounds like they were jealous of you - like they felt you weren't autistic enough for them because of not fitting into those boxes. It's not helpful to anyone when they're being a negative influence - that just ends up getting people hurt. It's hard dealing with self absorbed people because they'll never see what they're doing wrong and it makes it allmost impossible and totally frustrating trying to have a conversation with them
When you get triggered - does it help any to take a step back to see if you can recognize what triggered the anger?
@mytwistedsoul
1. Sometimes, it does help to take a step back
2. They used to be really close to my boyfriend but lately they have been brushing him off
A. He invited them to a nice event recently, which would have only been a 20 minute drive for them. The mother used the fact that she was "Getting a surgery" which was scheduled for a week later.
B. The autistic former friend has also not been volunteering any information to him about how she is doing or what she is currently doing in her life. Before, she would talk up a storm about everything going on in her life and family.
C. He said that he attempted to ask this former autistic friend about how the surgery went and she told him to "Call her mother himself."
He's autistic too, so I have been helping him understand the nuances of relationships when a person is not interested. So, I keep telling him to just forget about her.
@Summershy It sounds as though they've decided he doesn't fit into their boxes either and they've decided they don't want anything to do with him. Do you think that maybe they're distancing themselves from him because of your relationship with him? I mean - it's pretty lousy of them if that's their reason and it says alot about how they see people. I'm glad you're helping him to understand the nuances of relationships. It really sounds as though they're just not the type of people to have a good relationships with other people
No, they probably have met other people and are now occupied with them. Neither of them bullied my boyfriend.
However, they have gotten into it with other people before. In fact, one of them put them in their place by being very blunt. That ticked them both off.
@Summershy That's not right either. Its like they only have so much room in their lives. Kind of like people are disposable. I'm glad they never bullied him. Yeah some people don't like to hear things point blank. They kind of sound like they need to be in control of things
Yeah, I agree that it isn’t right to dispose a close friend like that once one moves away. That said, it came to me that they were jealous of me that were possibly jealous of my boyfriend too.
He happens to be a spokesperson for an organization and has been recognized for some things. Both times, that mom has said she has knee surgery in a month. meanwhile our former friend was not interested either.
However, they didn’t get their chance to trash me because I cut them out of my life nearly three years ago.
@Summershy I am sorry for the loss of those relationships. Anger can also be a step in grieving too. We lose relationships that we once depended on and then they are gone.
I have losses like that too. The anger became a source of irritation to me so I started gratitude journalling what the positive things in those relationships that I valued and cherished. That has helped me get rid of some of the negative feelings and leaves me with more feelings of gratitude for what we did share together.
To me coping with my anger was the most important thing.
It breaks my heart because they kept jerking me around and pulling mean things.