FAQ#3 7cups online therapy w/ RoryBoutilierRPC

FAQ 7cups online therapy #2 w/ Rory Boutilier RPC

Member: Hello, thank you for doing this. This might be a bit of a strange question, but how do I seek help when I know I have an issue but am not really the expressive type?

I've tried going to a psychiatrist before, but my thoughts and feelings were all over the place, I felt discouraged to go back because I couldn't really "talk", and couldn't help but feel that they didn't really get me.

And now, when I feel like I should give it another try, I just don't know where to start. I'm having a really hard time putting my thoughts into words. So any tips for this?

RoryBoutilierRPC It is completely okay if your thoughts are all over the place, that's what we are in therapy for. Especially at the beginning, therapy can be disorganized and seem a bit scrambled until you find your footing and your and your therapist come up with a plan of action. Here is my approach when I meet someone who feels they cannot get their thoughts together about therapy, or feel like their thoughts are all over the place.

Think of your reason for going to therapy in the beginning; what are you hoping to accomplish by talking to the therapist? What do you want them to help you with? Honestly, this can be the most difficult question to answer because you may not know right away. A lot of people say they 'just feel off' or 'just want to talk to someone', but once we get talking there is more that comes out and we start to see a task list. We call this the therapeutic goal.

Talk to your therapist about whatever is on your mind, it doesn't have to make sense right away - we will get to that later.

Once you get it all out, consider what you want to be different.

Working with your therapist, make a priority list of the things that are bothering you the most and what you want to work on first.

Another aspect of therapy is that many therapists are actually trained to help people put their feelings into words and work on being able to express themselves in therapy. It can feel like everything freezes up as soon as you get in front of your therapist, but try not to worry about it too much. Just talk naturally, don't be afraid of repeating yourself or filling in details as you go along.

The relationship with your therapist has differences and similarities to other relationships. Different in that you talk about very personal things. But it's the same as others in that sometimes people just don't 'click' and there is nothing wrong with that, it can take a bit of time to find a therapist you really like and who you feel understands you.

Here is a Link to my therapy page https://www.7cups.com/therapists/profiles/Rory-Boutilier-RoryBoutilierRPC/

Member: I want to be there for my boyfriend while his mother has cancer but I'm worried that I'm not doing enough for him. With this pandemic going on, I can only offer my support through video calls and texts. I'm so worried like what if he falls into a depression and I can't help him. I feel so useless. I guess my question is how can I show my support with his situation when I can't even be in the same room as him? I wish I could be there and hug him. I wish to do that more than anything.

RoryBoutilierRPC That's a great question; helping someone who has a sick family member can be very difficult. Sometimes the person doesn't even know what they need in the moment and it pains us to see our loved ones in pain. Offering your support to him through the means that you have (video

calls and texts) is a big help, and likely makes him feel like you're there with him even when you cannot be there physically.

Another thing you can try is asking your boyfriend what he needs or what you can do for him. When we see our loved ones hurting we want to do whatever we can to take their pain away, but quite often don't usually know exactly what they need in the moment and it can feel frustrating to be offering all this help and they are not receptive to it. Simply asking 'What can I do for you?' leaves it up to them if there is anything you can do, and also if they want help. The wording can play a big part in this so try not phrase it as a yes/no question ('Do you want me to do anything for you?' vs. 'What can I do to help?').

Overall, letting him know you are there for him and you will listen to whatever it is that is on his mind can be the biggest help of all. You may even find that he just wants to spend time away from the stresses he is facing; video calls, word games, etc. are all good ways to keep connected with each other when you can't actually be around each other. Here is a Link to my therapy page: https://www.7cups.com/therapists/profiles/Rory-Boutilier-RoryBoutilierRPC/

Member: I have been struggling with multiple traumas that have happened over my lifetime. I find that some days are really difficult. I have night mares about one particular trauma. I would like to find ways to help with the nightmares because they can be very difficult to handle and I have a hard time falling back asleep, which affects my mood they next day.

RoryBoutilierRPC Handling nightmares related to trauma usually involves backtracking through what took place and working through the underlying issue. There are things you can do that will help with getting a better night's sleep, and you should speak with someone who can help you through those traumas and overcome them.

Creating a space in your bedroom that feels warm and welcoming, and above all - safe, is important when you experience nightmares. Sleeping in a dark room is often best for a good night's sleep, but some people feel their anxiety increases too much or they have a more difficult time sleeping in the complete darkness, so a small nightlight can be a good middle ground for sleeping in a dark room but not the complete darkness. You may try moving your bedroom around to create a new-to-you space, giving a new feel to the room.

Find ways to manage the feelings you are experiencing on a daily basis; exercise, yoga, and a good self-care routine can all be beneficial. Try to avoid things that can make you more alert before bed, such as caffeine and chocolate.

Try to get a good night's sleep but don't force it on yourself. If you go to bed and find you cannot get to sleep, get up and do a quiet activity until you are ready to go to sleep. If possible, get out of bed to do something; sit on the couch and read, do a puzzle, or snuggle with a pet if you have one. Try to keep your bed as a place where you go to sleep rather than where you go to scroll social media or play a game before bed. Getting your mind into an association that bed=sleep can be tough at first, but it can help reduce the number of sleepless nights you have. Here is a Link to my therapy page: https://www.7cups.com/therapists/profiles/Rory-Boutilier-RoryBoutilierRPC/