Can you help me find the words?
I've arranged therapy for myself.
I'm scared to tell my partner.
I'm afraid all the anger and resentment will come out.
They used to be supportive of me getting therapy. Now they acuse me of running off to get sympathy.
I want to blame them. Tell them that if only they would/could give me the support I need, then I wouldn't have to go and get it elsewhere.
Except that blaming them is going to make them less inclined to be supportive. Not more.
So I want to seed some alternatives to the inevitable "why?"
"Because I need support to achieve what I want to achieve."
"Because I need it."
I don't like the feeling I'm justifying myself.
But I don't like "I don't need to justify myself to you" either.
I've told my partner that I find the "why?" questions unhelpful. And that I won't respond to them. So I could just not respond. But that's not promoting communication.
Reassert the boundary? "I've said I find that question unhelpful so I won't be responding to it"
Or just "I'm doing it because I'm going to be ok".
What would you say?
@Clio9876
The best way I found to end the conversation is ask "why not? " It is not a him or them situation.
What is your partner afraid of you growing in yourself and changing or succeeding in what you have in goals?
Therapy is not like talking to friend or partner.......... they are not just support and cheer leading.
A good therapist often challenges you to find ways to deal with things and situations. They will call you out on rationalizations or excuses it is work to evaluate yourself and your mind frame.
@toughTiger6481
Why not, indeed!
Thanks.
And thanks also for the reminder that they might be scared. That's a definite possibility.
@Clio9876im doing it for my emotional and mental health.
@Theuselessfool
Those are good reasons.
@Clio9876
essentially, if they aren't gonna be supportive, my advice is to not even bother staying
@BenDavis
So I should expect them to stay and be supportive. But not expect to stay and be supportive in return?
They are finding this difficult. Should I not support their difficulties? I know I'm imperfect in my support. To expect otherwise from them is unreasonable.
They are not preventing me from having therapy. Just finding the fact difficult.
Good question. You can just say that you think it will be helpful. If he asks for elaboration, you can tell him that you'll be happy to explain as long as he listens without judgment, but if he is going to judge you, then he should tell you beforehand.
@walkalot
That's quite a nice way to point out that I'm worried about someone being judgemental, without accusing them of being judgemental.
@Clio9876
Right, because the fear of judgment might be the issue that you're trying to avoid in this case.
@Clio9876 you just need to be honest, and not let it descend into point scoring or a blame game. We need support and empathy from a partner but they cannot fix our problems or give us what we need, sometimes they simply are just not equipped, we can take our hurts out on the people closest to us or get angry when they don't give us what we need, but this is unrealistic because sometimes we don't even know what we need, thats why therapy helps and if you need it, go for it, stay strong and it's not for sympathy, its a brave step for the betterment of you all, wishing you the best with all of it 😊♥️
@Clio9876
You've done such a good job of expressing your feelings, I can't think of any open ended questions at the moment. :)
"Because I need it," sounds like a valid answer.
You indicate that you used to feel supported. Any idea what's changed?
I will say, concerns about feeling judged while in a relationship that should be mutually accepting, accommodating and supportive, especially since they were supportive in the past, suggests that therapy may help you navigate these changes, or at the very least, help you feel validated.
In my experience, the more I've tried to explain myself to a judgmental person, the more tense the situation became. I might be inclined to say, "this is serious. I genuinely feel the need to do this." Then if they pressed the issue, I might say, "I'll consider talking about it after I've received some therapy."
I agree with you, blaming isn't productive, and generally makes things worse. I think that's because even when a relationship is having problems, both parties usually feel they're doing the best they can or they can't help the way they're acting.
@Spiritriver
What's changed? An element of impatience?
My partner believes they can change their behaviour just like that. I can't agree that it is always as quick as that, but it is true that they don't pattern behaviour like others do, and definitely not like I do. So they probably expected one set of sessions and I'm "fixed". Tada!
They also had an experience of useless therapy, so with me not being immediately "fixed", they quite possibly now feel all therapy is useless.
Me, I have to go down a long tedious path of first learn to be aware of the current habit, then try to implement another multiple times before finally a new habit starts setting in. I think this is normal, so it is what it is. But I can see how it might be frustrating for someone who doesn't have to do this.
@Clio9876
In my experience, those who "fix" themselves "just like that," regress into an unfixed state before too long. It's like the person who says, "I can quit smoking (snaps fingers) just like that." Of course they can... hundreds of times, and will continue to quit hundreds more.
That may not be the perfect metaphor because some people do quit cold turkey, but that involves focus on just that one thing. Things that call for therapy are far more complex.
I think your approach, that involves introspection, perhaps therapy and focused effort, is the most effective. The advantage to that process is that it's far more likely to be permanent. A person may feel confident in saying they can change a behavior, but it's also important to determine what inner thoughts and feelings led to the behavior in the first place. Behavior is an effect. I think in most cases, it's better to deal with the cause first.