When parents were bad

We tend to take an all-or-nothing approach to how our parents raise us.

We are in total agreement with the way our parents are and look for partners precisely like them.

Or we despise everything the parent has and look for the opposite of one or both of our parents, especially if a parent has hurt us and was distanced from us.

Deep down, we have developed some hobbies just like what they have. It would not be easy to separate our interests from our parents completely. 

If we try doing that, we most likely won’t have any feelings for the new hobbies we develop and will end up feeling this intense love for the things we were raised with.

For example, I am interested in finance and singing because my dad loves investment, and my mom always sang when I was growing up. I now work in the biotech field, in which I don’t feel the same passion as singing or finance because it was my chosen field after I was 27.

It's the same as looking for a life partner. We either want someone exactly like our parents, or we try to look for the opposite of our parents. If we try to look for the opposite of our parents, we often won’t have a strong feeling for the person.

If we look for someone just like our parents, we will have this fatal attraction that might result in a bad relationship.

For example, I was always looking for a partner like my mom. She is absent-minded, aloof, doesn’t care about her kids, likes to spend time with friends, and is very childish.

But I realize that some parts of her are good, like how quiet she is and not loud or her love for music and her sensitivities. 

So the key is to embrace some good qualities in our parents, understand what are unhealthy, and do our best to shift into some parts of sound qualities from our parents and none of the toxic qualities.

Perhaps a better look at this would be acknowledging the good qualities in our parents and adapting to healthy qualities another healthy partner will have.

This also applies to our work and our chosen hobbies. We will always have the imprint of our family, and we have to see them for what they are. Good or bad.