The little things

Today is my birthday. To be exact my 19th birthday. I have always struggled with wanting to be alone and feeling lonely. They are both two different things, well for me atleast. I hardly have any one who I considered a friend and honestly the only time I have friends is when it comes to partying, other than that I basically have no one. My family, well my Intimate family like my two sisters and my mom, they are not perfect but I appreciate what I have.

to begin with, I like solitary. I like being independent , I like having silence. I like it. But I don’t like feeling lonely. And I feel like no matter how much I tell myself that it’s me who chooses to be that way, I often think that no one ever fights to be there. No one has ever crossed this imaginary line in my brain that confiscated every single feeling known that isn’t near happiness. No one has tried fighting to even get to know me. They have this idea of who I am or who I was but they don’t know me. They don’t know how much I struggle to fight with a damn chemical imbalance in my brain always questioning what I did wrong to feel the way I am feeling. I’m lonely, emotionally, mentally, and physically lonely. Today is my 19th birthday and I have never felt so lonely, this type of loneliness scares me, so much, because am I always going to feel this way?

(just a little birthday reflection)