Check-in, Trauma Support Community, Wednesday-Thursday 28-29 April 2021
Loyalty and Trust
This is my last Check-In. I will also withdraw from most activity in the Forums.
For this last Check-In, I will bring up a sensitive topic that is at the root of many traumatic experiences: the betrayal from people we trust.
The feeling of betrayal comes when we are let down, or worse, by someone we trust. Many serious traumas come from this.
You don’t feel betrayed by an enemy, but by someone that is supposed to care. By someone you expect to be loyal to you.
There is an instinct in human beings to trust strangers beyond rationality. This is because we are social animals, our ancestors needed to bond in communities in order to survive. They didn’t have the luxury to test everybody for trustworthiness.
Also, we Homo Sapiens are born immature. In contrast with most animals, it takes many years for us to be able to survive on our own. So we also have an instinct to totally trust our parents and family, because we depend on them for survival.
Unfortunately, all of this makes us particularly vulnerable to betrayal and trauma.
If we are betrayed, in our minds the belief in the loyalty of other people might get fuzzy or even disappear as a lateral consequence. The human “trust instinct” can be lost. Distrust becomes the norm for us.
For as long as the human species existed, there was a “domino effect” of people that lost trust, because they were hurt by those that should have been loyal to them, and then they ended up hurting others. This is most visible in child-rearing practices, and endless “vendettas” among and within families.
If we identify this even minimal risk within ourselves, we have the opportunity to stop these harmful waves to continue into the future, and “Be the change you want to see in the world” (Gandhi)
Practicing unbounded loyalty to the people we care about, with no tricks and no cutting corners, we help expand trust in the “concentric circles” that we influence. Our friends, colleagues, our families, and finally, society at large.
Sometimes we might have to pay a price for been loyal and standing for what is right. But by avoiding the route of less resistance, based on a “victim stance”, that sometimes justifies hurting others, we get stronger, we get better, and we project that goodness to the world.
Having been hurt, we give love. Having been betrayed, we are loyal and inspire trust.
We are a force for good. We can change things for the better.
Our lives are full of challenges. But also of opportunities to make the world a better place.
And give more meaning to our troubled lives.
Questions:
- How are you feeling these days ?
- How trust and loyalty are getting stronger in your life ?
I look forward to your comments, and wish you all the best,
Marcelo.
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I am feeling wonderful this evening/early morning. It's been a long day but alot was accomplished. Now it's off to bed and if my luck is where it needs to be I will get up and start this grind again. Trust is something which doesn't come naturally to me. I trust people to be true to themselves if nothing more. Loyalty is what I give to all I meet. My loyalty to family and friends has grown tenfold in the last two years. A place I couldn't get away from fast enough 6 years ago has become a sanctuary for me now. It's incredible how much change can take place when you remove yourself from the equation. People appreciate you more in your absence. Kind of like how most people don't get flowers given to them until they're gone. Speaking of leaving, I am sorry to see you go. This is a beautiful check-in and I must thank you so much for doing these. May your journeys be full of wonders and happiness my friend.
@Understandingempath
I am very glad that you are so well and productive ! All in your post implies that you have almost reached the Promised Land.
You always encouraged people to work intensely and wisely on themselves. Now I see that was the other side of the coin of a great transformation through hard work on yourself.
You walked your talk, and you talked your walk. What an inspiration for all of us !
Your huge improvement in trust and loyalty might be part and product of this wonderful transformation.
Yes, we value people a lot more when they are no longer with us. It makes us better understand how valuable they are. It's a pity sometimes it is not the case when they are present.
My check-in text was plain bad. I sent a draft to @hopebeyondpain, our top SubCom leader, who made many detailed suggestions. After the edits, the text got a lot better. I was ashamed of the first version, I am proud of it now.
Regarding your very affectionate farewell, which I thank you a lot, I won't leave the SubCommunity. I will just get back to a normal, sustainable work level, doing some things here and there. I was lately answering the posts of all the forums. While a very rewarding life experience, it is not sustainable.
During this time, Members would see me often in "their" Forum. This will no longer be the case.
More and more Forum Supporters are joining Trauma and we expect that next month things will get back to normal.
Trauma is a very intense SubCommunity. Being a Forum Supporter here is extremely rewarding, but it also could become exhausting, both emotionally and mentally. Paradoxically, because the work here is so meaningful, you always feel you should do more, more, and more. Burnout is just around the corner.
Trauma has lost to burnout some exceptional leaders, people with top professional level expertise, superb work ethics, very humane and compassionate, with the ability to reach tenderly the most hurting heart. I am thinking of you, Wize, Hox, and many others (breaking the rules, ha ha)
I am of the opinion that work here should be sustainable, with two or more FS in the most active Forums. What would have happened if you had two other FS in your forum sharing the work, answering posts, writing discussions, etc. ? You would probably be still heading your Forum here.
Hopefully, someday you can come back to it under these sustainable conditions, if you find enough time within your increasingly busy schedule.
Thank you very much for your kind words, and for participating in this check-in !
All the best !
Marcelo.
@WelcomeToChat, Hi Marcelo!
- How are you feeling these days ?
Great! I have been doing activities that makes me happy. Like, playing a mobile game, reading an e-book or participating in this check-in. My phone is like my best friend.
- How trust and loyalty are getting stronger in your life ?
Trust and loyalty gets stronger depends to my relationship with that person. My loyalty depends on my trust percentage. The lower it is, the more likely I won't take someone seriously.
Goodbye. You will be missed.
Have a nice day!
@SnippyHam
Hi !
You are a gamer, but also a reader. That is a good combination. Playing games train us in thinking fast, and books promote our imagination and deep thinking.
Thank you that you include this check-in among the things that you enjoyed ! This is a huge compliment !
You are right in being more loyal to people you trust more. It is fair and it is safe. As the other person shows they are trustworthy, they deserve more loyalty. Sometimes you have to make the first move and take a risk to see if they can be trusted. Other times they show their good nature by themselves. In either case, you respond similarly. That is reciprocity, the way healthy relations are built little by little.
Thank you for your goodbye ! In fact, I will remain in this SubCommunity, but more focused on certain tasks. There are more and more forum supporters joining the SubCommunity, and this allows for more specialization.
In any case, you can always send me a message or tag me in a post, and I will be there.
All the best !
Marcelo.
@WelcomeToChat Sorry to see you go. You've done alot of good for people here. They'll miss the encouragement and your enthusiasm for their accomplishments. They'll be happy to see you taking care of yourself.
Trust is difficult. I don't trust easily. Loyalty is a problem because for me loyalty can be undying. Even if it isn't return or given by others, I often remain loyal even to those who don't deserve it.
I hope you take good care of yourself.
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you for your compliments !
As I told in a previous post, I will remain in this SubCommunity, but more focused on certain tasks. There are more and more forum supporters joining, and this allows for more specialization.
For some time I have been answering posts in all the forums and doing these check-ins. This is great for a time, but unsustainable. Trauma has lost many good people to burn out. I think this is because the work here is so meaningful that we always want to do more, and more, and more, beyond what's healthy and sustainable.
I understand that our past life experiences might make it very difficult to trust. This is natural and should be accepted. Only with time and getting to know good people we might begin to trust more.
Enduring unconditional loyalty, I think, can be justified when you reciprocate some extraordinary help you received in the past. But It should be abandoned if the other person repeatedly betrays or hurts you. Self-preservation is first.
Thank you for your good wishes !
All the best !
Marcelo.
Hi Marcelo,
I'm sad to see you go, but I'm glad you're making the right decisions for yourself to take care of yourself. Thanks for all your detailed responses to my & others' messages. I appreciate your thoughtfulness and insights.
- How are you feeling these days ? I am feeling good. I am working on bring myself up and giving myself positive self talk to feel better.
- How trust and loyalty are getting stronger in your life ? I am learning to trust people, and myself, more and more in life. With myself, I used to not understand why I feel certain ways and I doubted my feelings (because I've been taught to do that), but more and more I'm understanding my emotions and the messages they tell me, and I can trust it more. It's not over-reacting, but rather signals that's telling me something about a trigger.
@purpleWheel873
Hi !
Thank you for your kind words !
As I told in a previous post, I will remain in this SubCommunity, but more focused on certain tasks. There are more and more forum supporters joining, and this allows for more specialization.
For some time I have been answering posts in all the forums and doing these check-ins. This was a great life experience, but ultimately unsustainable. Trauma has lost many good people to burn out. Voluntary work should be distributed fairly among as many people as possible to become healthy and sustainable.
I am glad that you are feeling well these days, and getting under control the constant self-talk we all have. I think paying attention to this self-talk, getting to know it, is a good base. That's why meditation is so beneficial.
And then, learn to talk to ourselves with the same kindness we express to someone we love. We should feel loved by ourselves always, under any circumstance.
It's great that you are also getting better at sensing your emotions and interpreting what they are telling to you. Emotions are "modes of being". Like in the same PC you can run Word or Excel (not very poetic analogy). They have reasons and functions, and put us in the appropriate mode and attitude according to the situation. They also could tell us intuitively what is going on. Many times we feel something, and act accordingly even without a rational conscious reason. For example, love can attract us to the right person, or fear make us avoid a danger we have not identified.
They must be proportionate and reasonably bounded. For example, rightful anger is good, but uncontrolled rage is not.
Trusting your feelings and intuitions is a great achievement in the path to integrating all your "pieces of the puzzle" into your being, to feel one, authentic, and whole.
I wish you all the best !
Marcelo.
Hi Marcelo, I've only been here a short time but I've been touched by your empathy, engagement and investment into others. You will be missed I'm sure. How am I feeling these days? After a hospital admission last Friday for a heart arrhythmia seemingly caused by stress, then two days solid feeling like a bag of nerves, I'm in a better place today. Reasons - putting more trust in others, realising that the relationships I have with my colleagues, many of whom I consider friends, these relationships are strong and will help me through this. Together with that, having watched and rewatched The Power of Vulnerability by Brené Brown (a TED talk) - her comments on only being able to make connections with people if you deem yourself worthy of connection, the importance of authenticity in being able and happy to be imperfect... I'd strongly recommend to anyone who hasn't watched her TED talk to take the time to do so. It's hit home with me, and explained for me who I am, how I feel and contextualised how I interact as well. I'm still struggling with sleep due to flashbacks, but right at this point right now I'm calm. If only for a moment, but I'll take the moments when they come.
@marcelo I hope you are pulling back from here for happy reasons and are doing well. Thank you for your thoughtful contributions abd best wishes.
@marcelo
Marcelo, I have felt the best with you around, in so many ways. Your supportive comments have really reached me, as others didn't.
I want things to be good for you, Marcelo. I want you to be happy, be okay, and be doing what you want and feel is best for you. You are a wonderful person and thank you for being just who you truly are.
@WelcomeToChat
Don't go 🥺
I hope things get better in your life. I know you have to take care of yourself first but I don't want you to go. I will miss you so so much. 😭
@WelcomeToChat
I feel ignored and forgotten. My friend and I had a scheduled meet up time and she forgot all about it. It really hurt my feelings as we haven't spent much time together lately. I don't trust many people but I am loyal to those I trust. Take care. You will be missed.
@RedHawk6547 I'm sorry your friend left you hanging and forgot the plans you had made to meet up. It's hard when you're looking forward to something like that and then you end up feeling like an after thought. Hopefully the two of you can make plans again soon.
Take care of yourself - sending good vibes
- How are you feeling these days? Today is not too bad. . . I broke my glasses the other day so I am wearing my old pair. I found out that my doctors does not have my frame so I have to get a new pair. I talked to my boyfriend today. I made a good meal, and I got most of my to-do list done. I have to clean tomorrow.
- How trust and loyalty are getting stronger in your life ? Loyalty and trust go hand in hand and they are processes for me. They are like glasses. . . they need to tempered and molded, and with one wrong move they can shatter.
