Secondary trauma???
My boyfriend of two years, whom I live with, recently got hit by a car (a hit and run) while walking on the side of the road to come visit me at work. He did not die, only received a few mild injuries, a concussion, and a compound open broken right tibia. He had to undergo surgery and I spent 3 nights and 4 days watching them pump him full of meds that scared him, made him uncomfortable, and all I wanted to do was take everything away from him. So he wouldn’t suffer because he didn’t deserve it.
when I arrived at the initial scene the cops were everywhere, the ambulance had just arrived and I felt like no one would tell me what had really happened. All I saw was his pale face and a puddle of blood on the street where he once laid. Part of me feels so traumatized by that. I can’t leave his side, I can’t sleep, I feel like I need to be right there at all times because I couldn’t before. I constantly have attacks thinking about him screaming in pain on the road with no one there to comfort him.
I feel like I have no place to feel the emotions I do because what happened was damaging to him, it shouldn’t be to me. But also the strain that taking care of him has on me. I love him and I would do this and more if he needed it but he’s so doped up on meds that it doesn’t even feel like him anymore. Which isn’t fair and I know that. I think I have a lot of internal guilt and fear that I’m dismissing because I need to focus on him. We haven’t talked about it because I know he will feel guilty. And he’s struggling enough as it is.
help! Is what I’m feeling validated? Am I being selfish for mourning the past of our relationship? And the change it’s now going through?
@Secretpreacher Hi, I am so so sorry to hear about your boyfriend's accident. I can't imagine what the both of you are going through. I want to assure you that this wasn't your fault and please try not to feel guilty. This was a horrible accident, but I am very happy to hear that he is overall okay. Please know that the side effects from the medication will subside and things will return to normal soon enough. Once things settle down, I am hopeful that your relationship will be just as strong, if not stronger. Neither of you are at fault here ❤️ Please try to seek support if you can from loved ones and take some time for yourself so that you don't burn out. Being a caregiver for any amount of time can be very mentally draining, but this time won't last forever I promise. We are always here for you too! 😊 Thinking of you both.
It's not your obligation to take care of anyone, always remember that! But as God's children God insured in us the beautiful feeling of "Love" and all those feelings you felt was because you love or loved him at that particular moment. And your becoming to tired to deal with it anymore because he's doped up? That honestly sounds like an excuse. Relationships are built on trust, honesty and communication. Set boundaries, x amount of time to get off meds.. Talk to him about what you said on here. And if you both truly love each other then you will adjust for each other.. If you don't, walk away.... I genuinely hope he is going to be ok and recovers fully. You too as well
@Secretpreacher
Personally, I didn't understand the concept until my brother explained it to me not long ago. For him, "secondary trauma" is worse than actually experiencing it. He imagines the worse and feels even more helpless and afriad for longer. After hearing and seeing how he is coping with things that happened to me versus things that happened to him, I realize that he may be right.
So to answer your question- yes. What you are feeling makes sense. It's something you and your partner can work through. While it may be difficult (like any trauma is), working through it takes time, cooperation, understanding and trust. I hope the two of you make it through this and really lean on each other.
Anyone we grow intimate with definitely becomes an extension of ourselves in an emotional sense, especially those to whom hold the keys to our vulnerabilities, loved ones to whom we trust to support us. I understand your dissonance is the emotional fighting against the logical. When fear grips us we act upon it selfishly indeed, we must acknowledge our fear, forgive ourselves for our thoughts and behaviors that act to protect us, process our new reality and detach ourselves from our emotional response and eventually reach logical conclusions. Forgiving oneself is the key. Best to you. I'm so sorry for the emotional ride this has been and for your guy. Keep both of you in my thoughts. ❤
@Secretpreacher
I'm so sorry to hear of his accident and relieved that he is going to be okay.
Yes, your feelings are valid, all of them. The trauma you felt with the blood on the street, the guilt at not being there to comfort him at that moment, the exhaustion from the caregiving, the fear of the future. It is all valid.
Major life events can cause change so with everything going on, it is quite likely that your observations about this change are accurate. It is reasonable to mourn the past of the relationship especially as you feel unable to express your fears with him or discuss the relationship while he is still recovering. You are showing him support and compassion through his current struggles even while you suppress your own emotional needs for the moment.
I hope he gets well soon and you are able to take the time/space to heal from this event too.
Much strength and peace to you!
